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What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?

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nekorb posted 9/10/2013 15:49 PM

So, my husband and I are sort of in limbo. We are both in IC and MC starts next Monday.

My question is this: he was/is so angry over the state of our sex life in our marriage that he purposely set forth to kill his sexual desire for me. It worked. So now he says he has NO sexual feelings for me at all.

Anyone else been there? Advice? Suggestions?

Any advice on helping him to let go of the anger?

Simple posted 9/10/2013 15:56 PM

I'm sorry I haven't been in your situation. All I can say is you guys got married in the first place because you found something in each other. Sexual desire arises from liking and loving each other. I guess you guys can start there. If there's a will, there's a way.

bionicgal posted 9/10/2013 16:15 PM

I think my H was sort of there. Very angry and hurt, which was some about our sex life, and a some about stuff that predated me. He has had to get really real about some of his motivations, and the more he looked, the more he realized that our sex life was part of the issue, but how that got acted out had really had to do with him.

But he was good and angry about his lot in life. Furious, and it is what gave him "permission" to do this. (Overlooking, of course, his role in our somewhat of a sexual stalemate.)

So, maybe your husband is making you the bad guy so he doesn't have to take much of a look at himself. It helped us that I was willing and able to work on the marriage, and whatever issues I had, which I think resulted in my H realizing that there was more going on than met the eye.

LA44 posted 9/10/2013 16:27 PM

I have not been in your shoes either nekorb but Amen to what bionicgal said. He is making you the fall guy here and that is so unfair.

I would focus on you for now.

He can deal with his anger in IC.

2married2quit posted 9/10/2013 16:30 PM

Cheaters are basically broken unhappy people that make the WRONG decision. Truth be told, you yourself probably recognize your marriage was not at the best place when the A started either. However, the wrong choice is NOT going to fix things. He should be pissed of the fact that not only is the marriage need fixing, but throw in his freak'n affair. That means it's going to be even HARDER than if he wouldn't have had an affair. But that's his fault, not yours.

My FWW didn't want to have sex much prior to A. Did I cheat? NO! Did I want to and have the temptation? YES! Am I special? NO! Just didn't want to loose my wife. Sexual frequency can be helped.

nekorb posted 9/11/2013 08:04 AM

Thanks.

I'm really hoping this MC is the cat's meow - he has his work cut out for him.

Painfuljourney posted 9/11/2013 08:24 AM

If he's not attracted I think it's because he's not deciding to be. He's still holding on to resentment maybe. My WH went through this and during it all he was extremely angry with me, he blamed me. He had animosity towards me.

It wasn't until he let go of that blame and anger did he have the capacity to love again. I'm not talking physical attraction. I'm talking the soul connection. With that comes the physical attraction. Sexual attraction in and of itself is hollow and meaningless. It can be with anyone that is attractive I think. But soul connection is deeper. It comes from the commitment, the decision to love.

I recommend reading the Love Languages book and His Needs, Her Needs. You may not be loving each other in the right languages. Those 2 books really helped heal some issues in our connection with each other. Now we are touching (because we both value physical touch) and talking a ton (one of mine is honesty) and we are meeting each others needs.

tushnurse posted 9/11/2013 09:01 AM

I am sorry but he is using this as an excuse.
If he isn't "attracted" to you that is on him. You my dear are the same person, but even more awesome, and he should be in awe of you. Seriously, you have provided him the gift of R. And shown your strength by demanding the respect you deserve. If he doesn't find that attractive, then that is on him, and shows his own brokenness.

He is making an effort to choose to not find you a sexual being, this is probably because he hates himself, and does not have the tools he needs to fix that. This is something that needs to be discussed in MC, and he needs to definitely read the 5 love languages, the seven principles for making a marriage work. There are exercises in it, and should be done together. I would start on these prior to even going to MC, because it will take several sessions to even get to this issue.

((((and strength))))

Bobbi_sue posted 9/11/2013 10:18 AM

What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?

I am one to take things at face value and if someone says something like that to me, I believe them. I firmly believe the only person you can change is yourself and it is not all that valuable to "inform" the person who says he is not attracted that is just an excuse, or he is deciding, or making a choice not be attracted to you.

I'm not suggesting anyone should do what I'd do, but if my spouse said that to me, I'd find a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. I will not be with someone who does not want to be with me as much, or more than I want to be with him, even if I am married to him.

2married2quit posted 9/11/2013 11:49 AM

I used to feel very hurt by this. I could not get my wife turned on but OM didn't even have to try and she was melting on his hand. You know what that does to one's self esteem?

Truth is, everything new is exciting and then it gets old. It's up to the couple to keep the fire burning. Obviously infidelity hurts things to an umf degree and it is harder to get things going good again. He's attracted to you. It's why he's with you in the first place. He's just in the limbo faze. Shit hurts.

sisoon posted 9/11/2013 13:19 PM

I'm sort of with Bobbi_sue on this.

Um...the MC has some work to do, but your H is the one who has to change the most. Is he ready and willing to do what he needs to do?

nekorb, Your H's dissatisfaction with your pre-A sex life is his problem. The fact that he wasn't effective enough as a man to get the problem solved is a heavy burden for him to carry. The fact the he cheated instead of getting the problem resolved is a heavy burden for him to carry. The fact that he's still angry at you instead of taking responsibility is IMO a sign that he's not ready to R.

You didn't cause your H's A. He cheated for his own reasons, and you, like most BSes, are just collateral damage. You hae some responsibility for your pre-A M troubles, but those troubles aren't a root cause of his cheating.

Please protect yourself. You deserve way better than he's giving you. Consider the 180.

BTW, your H deserves way better than he's giving himself, IMO - but he's not going to get it unless and until he confronts his own pain and changes himself.

(((nekorb)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:40 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

nekorb posted 9/12/2013 10:46 AM

Thanks for the input everyone.

I'm really anxious to talk about this in MC with my husband. We don't talk about it now as it escalates quickly into an argument...because he can't talk about it without getting angry within a few MINUTES....but continues to try and tell me he isn't holding onto resentment.

He is taking responsibility for the affair - no remorse yet...but I think he is pretty numbed out to what all he is feeling...I think he is hugely disappointed in himself....

BUT - I think he blames everything pre-affair on ME...so that should be interesting to hash through...

bionicgal posted 9/12/2013 13:18 PM

nekorb,
If he is getting so instantly angry, it is a big issue for him. I, too, got the lions share of the blame for the A in the days after DDay (largely b/c it is how he rationalized it to himself during the affair). As time has passed, it has become more clear to him his responsibility for the A, both from within our marriage system, and just him, personally. We have gotten to remorse, but it came in pieces over the months since June.
If you go to MC and he reads some, he will start letting go of the sh*t that he told himself to have the affair. (Likely the "not attracted to" bit was part of it.) He is angry at himself, and the situation he caused. His libido should return as he starts getting real about himself and what he did. I don't know how foggy he still is, but he may feel like he is cheating on her with you. (Hated that one - crazy stuff!) Or, he may just be confused.

Hang tight!

sisoon posted 9/12/2013 13:22 PM

IMO, if he brings up pre-A stuff when you discuss the A, he's shifting blame to you and thereby attempting to dodge responsibility for his betraying you.

If he gets so angry that you can't complete a discussion, he's using anger to manipulate your sitch.

Me, too - I hope the MC confronts him on this, and I hope he changes quickly and for the better.

ladies_first posted 9/12/2013 18:34 PM

he was/is so angry over the state of our sex life in our marriage

How do you, nekorb, rate your sex life pre-A?

nekorb posted 9/12/2013 19:22 PM

Our sex life pre affair was very stressful. Neither of us was happy with the frequency (too little), but there were other issues at play that were making me not want to have sex with him - I was feeling used and unloved- and he had laid the responsibility for "fixing" our sex life at my feet, basically. He never initiated anymore, there was no flirting or romance, etc, etc. it had been that way for a couple of years at least.

It was something I obsessed over and worried about, and I think that made me so stressed then I wasn't in the mood for sex!

Catch 22.

We both have responsibility for the lack of sex, but he blames it on me because, "I'm ready whenever you are." And he got tired of me brushing off his advance. Well, I got tired of getting groped while I was cooking or loading the dishwasher.

So yeah...there are some issues there that need to be resolved.

Doesn't excuse the affair.

bionicgal posted 9/12/2013 20:35 PM

Nekorb, i think we had the same exact situation before the affair, for more years than I'd like to count.

Also, we had the "I"m ready whenever you are, so I don't need to do anything" dynamic. That seems to have changed post DDay, which has made a TON of difference. That stalemate needs to be broken, because nothing is as unsexy as "I can do it, you know, whenever YOU want to." Ugh.

nekorb posted 9/13/2013 21:11 PM

Bionic gal - did your husband have trouble letting go of resentment towards you over the pre-affair sex situation?

ladies_first posted 9/14/2013 01:44 AM

I'm glad you two are going to see a MC soon.

As recently as Sept. 3 you were doing the 180; meanwhile, also on Sept. 3, you report "Yesterday DH confided in me that he desperately wanted to call OW, but instead he left his phone at home and went for a bike ride.I think this is the longest stretch of NC...8 days."

Has WH maintained NC or is he actively communicating with OW?

Have you ended your attempt at 180? (not sure how you flip attachment off and on like a light switch!)

crazynot posted 9/14/2013 02:02 AM

I think, after what you've been through, it should be about HIM helping YOU, not the other way round. All this 'no sexual feelings' stuff doesn't bear too much analysis when he's so recently been seeing OW. It's just a way of justifying himself. Don't let him off the hook too easily... remember to stand a chance of R with you, he should be the one doing all the work for now.

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