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Newest Member: bigpockets (45700)

User Topic: What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my husband and I are sort of in limbo. We are both in IC and MC starts next Monday.

My question is this: he was/is so angry over the state of our sex life in our marriage that he purposely set forth to kill his sexual desire for me. It worked. So now he says he has NO sexual feelings for me at all.

Anyone else been there? Advice? Suggestions?

Any advice on helping him to let go of the anger?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Simple
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I haven't been in your situation. All I can say is you guys got married in the first place because you found something in each other. Sexual desire arises from liking and loving each other. I guess you guys can start there. If there's a will, there's a way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my H was sort of there. Very angry and hurt, which was some about our sex life, and a some about stuff that predated me. He has had to get really real about some of his motivations, and the more he looked, the more he realized that our sex life was part of the issue, but how that got acted out had really had to do with him.

But he was good and angry about his lot in life. Furious, and it is what gave him "permission" to do this. (Overlooking, of course, his role in our somewhat of a sexual stalemate.)

So, maybe your husband is making you the bad guy so he doesn't have to take much of a look at himself. It helped us that I was willing and able to work on the marriage, and whatever issues I had, which I think resulted in my H realizing that there was more going on than met the eye.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not been in your shoes either nekorb but Amen to what bionicgal said. He is making you the fall guy here and that is so unfair.

I would focus on you for now.

He can deal with his anger in IC.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2577 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheaters are basically broken unhappy people that make the WRONG decision. Truth be told, you yourself probably recognize your marriage was not at the best place when the A started either. However, the wrong choice is NOT going to fix things. He should be pissed of the fact that not only is the marriage need fixing, but throw in his freak'n affair. That means it's going to be even HARDER than if he wouldn't have had an affair. But that's his fault, not yours.

My FWW didn't want to have sex much prior to A. Did I cheat? NO! Did I want to and have the temptation? YES! Am I special? NO! Just didn't want to loose my wife. Sexual frequency can be helped.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.

I'm really hoping this MC is the cat's meow - he has his work cut out for him.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Painfuljourney
♀ 40208
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's not attracted I think it's because he's not deciding to be. He's still holding on to resentment maybe. My WH went through this and during it all he was extremely angry with me, he blamed me. He had animosity towards me.

It wasn't until he let go of that blame and anger did he have the capacity to love again. I'm not talking physical attraction. I'm talking the soul connection. With that comes the physical attraction. Sexual attraction in and of itself is hollow and meaningless. It can be with anyone that is attractive I think. But soul connection is deeper. It comes from the commitment, the decision to love.

I recommend reading the Love Languages book and His Needs, Her Needs. You may not be loving each other in the right languages. Those 2 books really helped heal some issues in our connection with each other. Now we are touching (because we both value physical touch) and talking a ton (one of mine is honesty) and we are meeting each others needs.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry but he is using this as an excuse.
If he isn't "attracted" to you that is on him. You my dear are the same person, but even more awesome, and he should be in awe of you. Seriously, you have provided him the gift of R. And shown your strength by demanding the respect you deserve. If he doesn't find that attractive, then that is on him, and shows his own brokenness.

He is making an effort to choose to not find you a sexual being, this is probably because he hates himself, and does not have the tools he needs to fix that. This is something that needs to be discussed in MC, and he needs to definitely read the 5 love languages, the seven principles for making a marriage work. There are exercises in it, and should be done together. I would start on these prior to even going to MC, because it will take several sessions to even get to this issue.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?

I am one to take things at face value and if someone says something like that to me, I believe them. I firmly believe the only person you can change is yourself and it is not all that valuable to "inform" the person who says he is not attracted that is just an excuse, or he is deciding, or making a choice not be attracted to you.

I'm not suggesting anyone should do what I'd do, but if my spouse said that to me, I'd find a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. I will not be with someone who does not want to be with me as much, or more than I want to be with him, even if I am married to him.


Posts: 5773 | Registered: Apr 2006
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to feel very hurt by this. I could not get my wife turned on but OM didn't even have to try and she was melting on his hand. You know what that does to one's self esteem?

Truth is, everything new is exciting and then it gets old. It's up to the couple to keep the fire burning. Obviously infidelity hurts things to an umf degree and it is harder to get things going good again. He's attracted to you. It's why he's with you in the first place. He's just in the limbo faze. Shit hurts.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sort of with Bobbi_sue on this.

Um...the MC has some work to do, but your H is the one who has to change the most. Is he ready and willing to do what he needs to do?

nekorb, Your H's dissatisfaction with your pre-A sex life is his problem. The fact that he wasn't effective enough as a man to get the problem solved is a heavy burden for him to carry. The fact the he cheated instead of getting the problem resolved is a heavy burden for him to carry. The fact that he's still angry at you instead of taking responsibility is IMO a sign that he's not ready to R.

You didn't cause your H's A. He cheated for his own reasons, and you, like most BSes, are just collateral damage. You hae some responsibility for your pre-A M troubles, but those troubles aren't a root cause of his cheating.

Please protect yourself. You deserve way better than he's giving you. Consider the 180.

BTW, your H deserves way better than he's giving himself, IMO - but he's not going to get it unless and until he confronts his own pain and changes himself.

(((nekorb)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:40 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the input everyone.

I'm really anxious to talk about this in MC with my husband. We don't talk about it now as it escalates quickly into an argument...because he can't talk about it without getting angry within a few MINUTES....but continues to try and tell me he isn't holding onto resentment.

He is taking responsibility for the affair - no remorse yet...but I think he is pretty numbed out to what all he is feeling...I think he is hugely disappointed in himself....

BUT - I think he blames everything pre-affair on ME...so that should be interesting to hash through...


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb,
If he is getting so instantly angry, it is a big issue for him. I, too, got the lions share of the blame for the A in the days after DDay (largely b/c it is how he rationalized it to himself during the affair). As time has passed, it has become more clear to him his responsibility for the A, both from within our marriage system, and just him, personally. We have gotten to remorse, but it came in pieces over the months since June.
If you go to MC and he reads some, he will start letting go of the sh*t that he told himself to have the affair. (Likely the "not attracted to" bit was part of it.) He is angry at himself, and the situation he caused. His libido should return as he starts getting real about himself and what he did. I don't know how foggy he still is, but he may feel like he is cheating on her with you. (Hated that one - crazy stuff!) Or, he may just be confused.

Hang tight!


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, if he brings up pre-A stuff when you discuss the A, he's shifting blame to you and thereby attempting to dodge responsibility for his betraying you.

If he gets so angry that you can't complete a discussion, he's using anger to manipulate your sitch.

Me, too - I hope the MC confronts him on this, and I hope he changes quickly and for the better.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he was/is so angry over the state of our sex life in our marriage

How do you, nekorb, rate your sex life pre-A?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our sex life pre affair was very stressful. Neither of us was happy with the frequency (too little), but there were other issues at play that were making me not want to have sex with him - I was feeling used and unloved- and he had laid the responsibility for "fixing" our sex life at my feet, basically. He never initiated anymore, there was no flirting or romance, etc, etc. it had been that way for a couple of years at least.

It was something I obsessed over and worried about, and I think that made me so stressed then I wasn't in the mood for sex!

Catch 22.

We both have responsibility for the lack of sex, but he blames it on me because, "I'm ready whenever you are." And he got tired of me brushing off his advance. Well, I got tired of getting groped while I was cooking or loading the dishwasher.

So yeah...there are some issues there that need to be resolved.

Doesn't excuse the affair.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb, i think we had the same exact situation before the affair, for more years than I'd like to count.

Also, we had the "I"m ready whenever you are, so I don't need to do anything" dynamic. That seems to have changed post DDay, which has made a TON of difference. That stalemate needs to be broken, because nothing is as unsexy as "I can do it, you know, whenever YOU want to." Ugh.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionic gal - did your husband have trouble letting go of resentment towards you over the pre-affair sex situation?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you two are going to see a MC soon.

As recently as Sept. 3 you were doing the 180; meanwhile, also on Sept. 3, you report "Yesterday DH confided in me that he desperately wanted to call OW, but instead he left his phone at home and went for a bike ride.I think this is the longest stretch of NC...8 days."

Has WH maintained NC or is he actively communicating with OW?

Have you ended your attempt at 180? (not sure how you flip attachment off and on like a light switch!)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
crazynot
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, after what you've been through, it should be about HIM helping YOU, not the other way round. All this 'no sexual feelings' stuff doesn't bear too much analysis when he's so recently been seeing OW. It's just a way of justifying himself. Don't let him off the hook too easily... remember to stand a chance of R with you, he should be the one doing all the work for now.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 904 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 25
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