My question is this: he was/is so angry over the state of our sex life in our marriage that he purposely set forth to kill his sexual desire for me. It worked. So now he says he has NO sexual feelings for me at all.
Anyone else been there? Advice? Suggestions?
Any advice on helping him to let go of the anger?
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
But he was good and angry about his lot in life. Furious, and it is what gave him "permission" to do this. (Overlooking, of course, his role in our somewhat of a sexual stalemate.)
So, maybe your husband is making you the bad guy so he doesn't have to take much of a look at himself. It helped us that I was willing and able to work on the marriage, and whatever issues I had, which I think resulted in my H realizing that there was more going on than met the eye.
I would focus on you for now.
He can deal with his anger in IC.
My FWW didn't want to have sex much prior to A. Did I cheat? NO! Did I want to and have the temptation? YES! Am I special? NO! Just didn't want to loose my wife. Sexual frequency can be helped.
I'm really hoping this MC is the cat's meow - he has his work cut out for him.
It wasn't until he let go of that blame and anger did he have the capacity to love again. I'm not talking physical attraction. I'm talking the soul connection. With that comes the physical attraction. Sexual attraction in and of itself is hollow and meaningless. It can be with anyone that is attractive I think. But soul connection is deeper. It comes from the commitment, the decision to love.
I recommend reading the Love Languages book and His Needs, Her Needs. You may not be loving each other in the right languages. Those 2 books really helped heal some issues in our connection with each other. Now we are touching (because we both value physical touch) and talking a ton (one of mine is honesty) and we are meeting each others needs.
He is making an effort to choose to not find you a sexual being, this is probably because he hates himself, and does not have the tools he needs to fix that. This is something that needs to be discussed in MC, and he needs to definitely read the 5 love languages, the seven principles for making a marriage work. There are exercises in it, and should be done together. I would start on these prior to even going to MC, because it will take several sessions to even get to this issue.
What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?
I am one to take things at face value and if someone says something like that to me, I believe them. I firmly believe the only person you can change is yourself and it is not all that valuable to "inform" the person who says he is not attracted that is just an excuse, or he is deciding, or making a choice not be attracted to you.
I'm not suggesting anyone should do what I'd do, but if my spouse said that to me, I'd find a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. I will not be with someone who does not want to be with me as much, or more than I want to be with him, even if I am married to him.
Truth is, everything new is exciting and then it gets old. It's up to the couple to keep the fire burning. Obviously infidelity hurts things to an umf degree and it is harder to get things going good again. He's attracted to you. It's why he's with you in the first place. He's just in the limbo faze. Shit hurts.
Um...the MC has some work to do, but your H is the one who has to change the most. Is he ready and willing to do what he needs to do?
nekorb, Your H's dissatisfaction with your pre-A sex life is his problem. The fact that he wasn't effective enough as a man to get the problem solved is a heavy burden for him to carry. The fact the he cheated instead of getting the problem resolved is a heavy burden for him to carry. The fact that he's still angry at you instead of taking responsibility is IMO a sign that he's not ready to R.
You didn't cause your H's A. He cheated for his own reasons, and you, like most BSes, are just collateral damage. You hae some responsibility for your pre-A M troubles, but those troubles aren't a root cause of his cheating.
Please protect yourself. You deserve way better than he's giving you. Consider the 180.
BTW, your H deserves way better than he's giving himself, IMO - but he's not going to get it unless and until he confronts his own pain and changes himself.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:40 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
I'm really anxious to talk about this in MC with my husband. We don't talk about it now as it escalates quickly into an argument...because he can't talk about it without getting angry within a few MINUTES....but continues to try and tell me he isn't holding onto resentment.
He is taking responsibility for the affair - no remorse yet...but I think he is pretty numbed out to what all he is feeling...I think he is hugely disappointed in himself....
BUT - I think he blames everything pre-affair on ME...so that should be interesting to hash through...
If he gets so angry that you can't complete a discussion, he's using anger to manipulate your sitch.
Me, too - I hope the MC confronts him on this, and I hope he changes quickly and for the better.
he was/is so angry over the state of our sex life in our marriage
It was something I obsessed over and worried about, and I think that made me so stressed then I wasn't in the mood for sex!
We both have responsibility for the lack of sex, but he blames it on me because, "I'm ready whenever you are." And he got tired of me brushing off his advance. Well, I got tired of getting groped while I was cooking or loading the dishwasher.
So yeah...there are some issues there that need to be resolved.
Doesn't excuse the affair.
Also, we had the "I"m ready whenever you are, so I don't need to do anything" dynamic. That seems to have changed post DDay, which has made a TON of difference. That stalemate needs to be broken, because nothing is as unsexy as "I can do it, you know, whenever YOU want to." Ugh.
As recently as Sept. 3 you were doing the 180; meanwhile, also on Sept. 3, you report "Yesterday DH confided in me that he desperately wanted to call OW, but instead he left his phone at home and went for a bike ride.I think this is the longest stretch of NC...8 days."
Has WH maintained NC or is he actively communicating with OW?
Have you ended your attempt at 180? (not sure how you flip attachment off and on like a light switch!)
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.