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A general Reconciliation question

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damaged71 posted 9/10/2013 16:09 PM

Before the A my wife was literally madly in love with me and had been like this for 18 years. Until...she was madly in love with someone else.

After the discovery of her affair she became the vilest most deceptive person I have ever been around or witnessed.

After a while she seemed to have snapped out of it and gone back to her old self.

We are 16 months out from D-day and the other day my wife plops down on the couch next to me with the sweetest smile in the world and says "I'll love you forever". This is similar to the behavior that I experienced for the first 18 years of my marriage. I responded with "great".

Internally I said to myself "yeah right".

She then asked me if I'd do the same. I responded affirmatively.

The whole thing just really sat with me the wrong way. I don't know why but it just did.

She hasn't done a single thing wrong in the past year. Not one thing. She is very sorry about her behavior in the past and expresses it often.

After seeing how deceptive she was capable of being I still ain't buying it.

I believe that we are married as long as I am useful and I have no illusions that it is otherwise. Before her indiscretions I would have bet you a million dollars she would never have done that.

Now I feel that my marriage will always be marred by what happened. I will always see "us" through that lens.

Will this ever go away???

bionicgal posted 9/10/2013 16:19 PM

Damaged71 -- sorry you are having a rough time. It isn't really possible to know, is it, what is really going on in someone else's mind. If your W has been truly remorseful, worked hard to figure her issues out, is working hard on making you feel secure, and is genuinely present for you, then yes -- I think that the lens will change a bit over time. This is just from what I have read, though!

2married2quit posted 9/10/2013 16:25 PM

actions, not words. And it looks like she's backed up the words with actions. I know how you feel though. I've had the same exact thoughts. I look at her and I used to feel this sort of warm feeling, an endearing feeling of love for her. Now I see a liar, someone who ruined our marriage and that I'm gonna have to start loving again. It's not easy and it's going to take time, but sometimes I could just walk out that door. Only to regret it 5 minutes later.

Hang in there.

MoreWould posted 9/10/2013 16:27 PM


Get thee down to the Betrayed Menz thread in I Can Relate. We spend a lot of time on this question, been a pretty interesting discussion just the last couple of days.

The short answer to your question is, "It will, but it won't".

Knowing posted 9/10/2013 18:33 PM

If I were you I'd tell her exactly what I was thinking instead of "playing along" the way you did. If you still have doubts, express them. Obviously there is more she can do, ways she coukd change her thinking and behaviour for the better, like realize love and being in love are not the same thing.

Simple posted 9/10/2013 19:00 PM

As BS we tell our WS to be honest and transparent. That goes for us too.

Knowing is right and other people here. Look at the facts the actions to back up the words. Open up to your WS about your feelings, bad or good. My FWH and I have a key word that I use if I'm having a trigger (usually used in public or around our children) and FWH knows the drill when that happens. Do you guys have something similar? You should not hide these from your WS, it is also part of their growing up and healing to comfort the BS.

I hope that helps.

sisoon posted 9/10/2013 21:56 PM

On one hand, I think you're being properly self-protective. 16 months simply isn't enough time to rebuild trust.

OTOH, you describe that she's behaved the same over 3 periods. Pre- and post-A, she appears to be madly in love with you. During the A, you describe the same behavior WRT om. That doesn't sound like she's changed much.

What has she done to look inside and change the thoughts and feelings that allowed her to cheat?

If she has, in fact, changed her thoughts and feelings, then I suspect you'll feel better as time goes on. If she hasn't changed, then your mistrust is at best a yellow flag.

One way to tell the difference is to be up front when you're uncomfortable with something she says. R will go faster and better qualitatively if you confront issues like not believing what she says. Don't hesitate to pin her down so you can be sure you understand what she says and so you communicate your thoughts and feelings.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:58 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

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