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guiltyandashamed posted 9/10/2013 16:21 PM

I am new to this site and this situation, having told my wife about my 4 month affair on Easter weekend this year. We are still together and are in marriage counselling. I am also going to individual counselling.

I realise the stupid, selfish, cliched thing I did and how close I came to losing all that was important to me i.e. my wife and 3 beautiful children. I want to make it work.

I am open and transparent now about all aspects of my life. I have not had secret contact with my affair partner and would have happily broken all contact except we occasionally see each other at work (we work in the same department). If we have to speak we are civil to each other but nothing more and I tell my wife about it in the evening.

I have answered all my wife's questions to the best of my recollection and have not kept any details or events secret from her - she knows everything that went on in gory detail.

My wife says that I am not supporting her emotionally - that I am cold and lack empathy. I don't know how to help her as she seems angry and depressed all the time and either doesn't want to engage with me or her responses are filled with bile and profanity.Not that I blame her of course but it makes it difficult to know how to get close and make this emotional connection. I have been trying to demonstrate caring in other ways and being affectionate.

Any thoughts/suggestions/shared experience welcome....

scream posted 9/10/2013 17:49 PM

I'm no expert to say the least. But letting her getting those feelings out is a start. And staying there and acknowledging her feelings is a start. Feelings are tricky. They change constantly for everyone. Not just a BS. So yours my not be in sync with hers. But being willing to listen to her and really show that you understand what she is saying to you behind all the words. Just stay strong and don't give up. Try your best to not be defensive. Just show her that she is first. And not your second choice.

hardlessons posted 9/10/2013 19:30 PM

Well, she may be projecting her feelings onto you or she may be spot on, the point is that your empathy or lack there of has nothing to do with her. At least that was a big thing for me to get, I still struggle with empathy, but understanding that it comes from me and not due to any validation or meeting a criteria to earn it, nwim?

guiltyandashamed posted 9/14/2013 11:13 AM

thanks for replies - i am continuing to try.

BaxtersBFF posted 9/15/2013 09:11 AM

What is your response when she blows up at you?

guiltyandashamed posted 9/15/2013 12:28 PM

my response to confrontation in past has been to avoid. i am learning to stay put now although often i have little to say as there isnt much to argue about/defend about my behaviour during affair

LosferWords posted 9/15/2013 17:21 PM

Hello, and welcome, guiltyandashamed.

One thing I might suggest to you is putting together a written timeline of the affair. Is this something your wife has asked you for? Regardless of whether she wants to see it or not, you can always have it on hand for if/when she wants to see it.

The big question that usually gets asked is: why? Why did you cheat, anyway?

IC and MC are both a good thing. Is your IC helping you get closer to the root of your "why", and what you need to do to fix that part of yourself?

Good luck.

confetticheck posted 9/19/2013 22:33 PM

I can only tell you from my experience,
You have ripped her heart out of her chest. If you want to heal her you have to feel it all with her, it is incredibley tough. You just cant just bear your soul. She has to know that you are a new person, you are different, you feel this was repulsive. Her trust in you is destroyed. Every true thing you tell her is probably a lie in her eyes. How can blame her. If you love this woman you'll make it right by her. You can only do that by YEARS of doing. If it hurts when she wants answers and WHYS 1 month from now or 20 you take care of her even though it hurts so much going back there. I can't stand the person I was back then, I'm so glad he's dead. I have to clean up the mess now, I will. Its the least we can do for our BS's Don't be "Spock" with her, feel this with her, IT will make you a better person for her.