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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Choose Discomfort over Resentment
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a concept by Brene Brown, who researches shame, courage and vulnerability and offers the message below...

"Choose discomfort over resentment. My mantra reminds me that I'm make a choice that's critical for my well being - even if its not easy."

We all have that moment post D-Day (let's face it, there are many )where we have to address something that is disturbing. It could be asking a question that will bring us pain before it brings us peace, speaking our true thoughts instead of just playing nice, or in my case, seeing the AP for the first time at the event where the A got its start.

Today ((blakesteele)) made a solid move in recovery when he walked his daughters to school. He so loves to do this with his daughters but since D-Day one year ago he has not been able too bc the AP's kids attend the same school. But today....he did it! How difficult it must have been for him. How uncomfortable. But, he chose the path of discomfort. He walked it. And we are so happy for him!

I think if we don't ask that question. If we lift up the rug while our spouse sweeps the mess under it, if we don't do the thing we really want to do or say the thing that really needs to be said, bc it is soooo uncomfortable, then we will find ourselves in resentment. We will resent our WS (and likely we already have enough of that!) and worse, we resent ourselves.

We (me and Rebuilder2) will be attending his company work conference next week at this time. I was not sure if I wanted to go. Part of me is still there. Sure, its in a beautiful place. Sure, the program for the spouses is AMAZING, and sure it will give me and H time together. But the AP will be there. I am dreading the moment when I see her in the flesh for the first time. Dreading it. I suppose I could have waited until the next conference in the new year. Or the one after that. But Brown's quote stuck. I thought, "you can do this, LA. Chose discomfort of seeing her over the resentment you will find yourself in by staying home."

These are my thoughts for Tuesday night.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:05 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to take the power back!

Let us know how it goes. I hope it is a wonderful evening for you.


Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy-maker in the world. I'm a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins!

Posts: 8259 | Registered: Dec 2010
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LosferWords...it will actually be 4 days long. Yikes! You can be sure I will be posting my SI peeps for support.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're going to do just fine. I know it. I hope you have an incredible time and are the envy of every spouse that sees you!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5237 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love Brene Brown. . .she is my hero. Now that summer is over, there are increased chances to run into OW. I cringe when we go out to places I know she and her BS are likely to go. There is an event Fri night that I am worried about. . .seems to be one a week these days. I haven't come face to face with her since DDay, but I will try to be less guarded about it.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread. I only hope I can be that big a person.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5773 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful post....is there a specific book you recommend from Brene Brown?

That quote has power...discomfort vs resentment....very cool to think on.

I will pray for you, your husband, and the fOW...this is soul wrecking stuff for all involved really.

But you have avoided the rocky shores thus far...and your seas are quieting....your compass is working....the sun is rising .....so I know you got this, with or without my prayers.

((LA44, Rebuilder2))

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:59 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can do this. And are doing a great job. I imagine you have this figured out already, but know your plan when you see her. Have your husband aware. Have some agreed upon cues if you need to retreat.

Take care of yourself. Fingers crossed.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1482 | Registered: Dec 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really like Dr. Brene Brown. I haven'e read her books, but have heard her interviewed/speak many times, listened to TED Talks. She has many great quotes. I like this one for reconciliation, and for you, LA44 as you go to your H's work conference.

Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.

You have lots of courage, LA.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10087 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate. We have so many potentials to see the OW within our industry.. All types of gatherings...social but work related.. I get so anxious but anticipate them as I show off that I am the better woman... And my WH is always my peacock flaunting his love. I tell him if I am super insecure or scared and tell him nor to leave me alone too long. Honestly look at this as an opportunity to shove it in her face .. You won .. He chose you.. It's hard but I have to tell myself that constantly.. He begged and asked for forgiveness to stay with me. He told the OW from the get go.. I will never do anything to hurt my wife or child.. Funny how they really though they weren't hurting us.. Well she lost with all her conning and coniving she couldn't keep him. He dumped her the minute I found out. So hold your head high and ruffle your feathers.. Show off your man and be proud to be with him..
I have a function this Friday. Not sure if the OW will be there but we will be there with our friends and coworkers showing off my peacock.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread. I only hope I can be that big a person

Oh rachelc....me too! It's one thing to write it, another to live it.

((bionicgal)) and to all of you who have see the AP every now and then. I have so much respect for you. This is not an issue I have to deal with bc AP lives a plane ride away. I know how hard my healing has been so I can't even imagine when the person is around. Let us know what happens Friday.


OnanIsland... Thank you. Those words of encouragement touched me.

I imagine you have this figured out already, but know your plan when you see her.

He told me what he is going to do to help me, ie: united front, introduce me to others so I don't feel lost, spend our free time together but we don't have an actual plan....we need one. We are going to MC tomorrow to discuss but if you have any suggestions, feel free.

((blakesteele)), you brought tears to my eyes. I do need blake prayers! And yes, while the waters have been calming I fear finally seeing her will STIR the mighty ocean! Please watch for my notes next week.

Also, I have not read any of Brown's books yet - first saw her on Oprah talking about shame and if she writes for a mag, I read that. But there is a book called, Daring Greatly that I want to get. Her web site is full of great messages.

((SisterMilkshake)) I remember long long ago you wrote to me and said, "We (meaning me and you) got this, LA. We got this." I have said that to myself many times.

Skan...

and are the envy of every spouse that sees you!

I will say this.... my dress from pre-baby days is a classic that freakin' rocks!

Thank you SM for this great quote by Brown!

Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.

You have lots of courage, LA.

thank you my SI friend.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:24 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
alphakitte
♀ 33438
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

discomfort vs resentment

Choosing discomfort vs. resentment works if the WS is truly remorseful, emotionally intelligent and empathetic. If they aren't those things then attempting to dicuss things that make you feel vulnerable, or insecure, causes them to be defensive and resentful.

Wishing you a wonderful time on your getaway, LA44!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post!!! I am a firm believer in taking back every bit of our lives as possible. We have been systematically removing the A memories, dates, places, people, things, from our life by replacing them with new, happy and fun memories.

I do however think it needs to be well planned. I think worst case scenarios have to be considered and truely accepted as possibilities.

We ran into the OM at about 8 month out from Dday and it went horrible. There was no plan in place for it.. There were words exchanged. I spiralled to the worst place I had been. I was suicidal for weeks and barely left the house, let alone my bed.

We have three big ones we are planning on taking back in the next couple months. We have been preparing and planning for a year now.

I am not trying to scare anyone. Just be smart. Prepare, plan, don't force it, and most importantly do it all together as a team!!!


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daring Greatly is all about being vulnerable. She makes the point that if we aren't this, then the person who loses is ourself.
I read half of it. Need to get back to it. It kind of made me feel like a failure because I am no where close to that. But, I'll pick it up again....

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:11 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5773 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
VeilLifted
♀ 34692
Member # 34692
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just finished a book study about Daring Greatly. Definitely worth the read. My bff and I did this together. We are both working our ways through the aftermath of our h's As. While not directly related to affairs, we were both able to get a lot of help from the book to apply to all areas of our lives.
I highly reccomend this book. It was very readable and she gives real life examples.


Me - BW
Him - FWH
DDay 10-29-11 2 month EA 1 time PA
He had ended it 10-28-11
Broke NC 12-20-11
S 12-21-11 filed D 1-4-12
R started/H moved home 2-8-12
2 wonderul boys 17 & 14(now 20 & 17)
Now we have a beautiful grandson!
Married 19 years(n

Posts: 230 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing discomfort vs. resentment works if the WS is truly remorseful, emotionally intelligent and empathetic. If they aren't those things then attempting to dicuss things that make you feel vulnerable, or insecure, causes them to be defensive and resentful.

Interesting statement Alphakitte.

Does this mean that discomfort is only healthy if your WS doesnt use it against you...to harm you with it?

Truly remorseful = sorry?

Emotionally intelligent = have the ability to look inside themselves to fully recognize themselves?

Empathetic = the ability to relate to BS pain and hurt?

Dont mean to high jack LA44's post here...but didnt know how else to get further explanation to this intriguing comment.

My goal is to have the courage to remain vulnerable...regardless of my wifes actions or abilities.

I really desire to NOT become one of the many jaded people we all know who have been abused by another person...and blame that abuse on NOT becoming the very person they wished their spouse would have become. KWIM?

I have changed because of my wifes adultery, but I am actively pursuing the man I want to be...and that man does not desire to build walls that keep people out and keep me "in". He does not desire to hold back from positive, healthy actions until someone else does them first.

I have grown much this past year, but have so much more to attain yet.

Thanks for your comment.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
StillStanding1
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LA44))) I cannot even fathom going to one event, much less 4 days of events where the AP would be present. I wish you all the strength and courage in the world. Good for you!

Unfortunately for me, my WH was still in his A when Dday hit and still had/(has?) lingering feelings for her. No matter how I try to R, the jealousy, anger, and resentment still boil over in me. I don't know how all the BS's handle seeing the AP. I honestly am feeling physically numb,cold, sick to my stomach, and full of dread just reading this thread. I respect all of you for your immense courage and strength.

I agree with the need to discuss all of this and not rug sweep or allow our WH to rug sweep anything. This is REALLY hard for me, but I KNOW it is necessary and am challenging myself constantly to do it. My WH, DD17, and I had a big blow out discussion last night and he and I discussed again this morning. I finally had the courage to say some things I've been thinking lately and holding in. I am glad I did, I know it is progress, but it is so scary and yes, uncomfortable!!! I commend all of you who push yourselves outside of the comfort zone so that you can vent and finally let go of some of that anger that would fester into resentment. It's the right thing to do.

Like blakesteele, I was struck by the profundity of alphakittie's post. In our discussions last night, my WH was wavering between that remorseful spouse trying to "get it" and heal, and that defensive self that was very angry. My head is spinning today, trying to figure it out. Need to sign off and call our MC/IC to schedule an appointment....

Great topic... thanks. Wish none of us was here....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 746 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((StillStanding1)))

In our discussions last night, my WH was wavering between that remorseful spouse trying to "get it" and heal, and that defensive self that was very angry. My head is spinning today, trying to figure it out. Need to sign off and call our MC/IC to schedule an appointment....


Yep, I too have seen that in my fWW. It sucks less now...and I think it does because of the new perspective I am gaining towards this whole trial. I dont like to see the defensiveness or anger directed to me from my wife, but that is her trial to work through. This whole notion that the only person that can change you is you...is so very accurate! It does seem like defensiveness and anger are really misplaced when my wife turns it to me and it is hard to swallow....but again, I am changing...and if I can change, I believe most people can. And we always have the choice to say enough is enough....though my threshold to getting to this point is MUCH higher then I ever imagined it would be. I venture to say that if it were I who committed adultery my wife would have left me. I say this not as a guess, but based on the fact that I did NOT committ adultery, did not do anything as remotely destructive as that...and my wife, with far less motive from me, "left" me for her AP.

This, of course, is another reason my wifes decision to have an affair was of her own doing...nothing I did drove her there, nothing I could have done would have prevented it. It is what BS need to learn....not just hear it, but learn it. I heard this from almost the very first day after DD. Read it in tens of books, online forums, and my IC spent hours focused on this one simple fact....and it still took me months to learn it. So just hearing it will not work...though that is part of the learning process.

Wish none of us was here....

Yeah, that too.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:00 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is funny what causes each of us discomfort and to trigger.

OW emailed my H a link to a TED presentation by Brene Brown and a short note about a month after DDay. My h forwarded it to me immediately. I cannot remember the subject of the video, but I recall thinking how the OW had twisted it to explain her role in the A and how she had no regrets.

I had not thought about that in a while. Definitely uncomfortable thinking about it, but now I can just shake my head without raging.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1611 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
learningtofeel
♀ 39543
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who don't have time or mental space to read Brene Brown's books, the TED talks are the same information in a distilled nugget, and very engaging. Highly recommended. We are leaning heavily on what she has to say and have also shared it extensively with our young adult children (who know about the LTA - the OW was a friend of the family and mother of our kid's pal).


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 28
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