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User Topic: Where do you find the strength...
movingbackwards
♀ 40612
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where do you find the strength to move on? To finally say, I deserve better than this? To say, you don't deserve a second chance? To say, I'm doing what's best for me and I'm done centering my life around you and your selfishness? It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world to do when you've been hurt like this, but I just don't know how to do it. I told my WH originally that I wanted to try to R, and for some reason I feel this guilt about taking that back so I have yet to say anything to him, even though my heart's pretty set on moving on. Is that not the most insane thing, that I should be the one to feel guilty?!? Ugh. What a mess.


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Heal&Deal
♀ 30910
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems that the guilt can spring from a multitude of factors - religious beliefs, vows and promises, children, giving up on the dreams that we dreamt with our wayward spouses. It is also hard to let down the wayward spouse, even though they created the mess, to actually say, hey, I'm done. As faithful spouses we lived years thinking about and defending our spouses' feelings and needs. To choose a path outside that can stir some guilt.

For me, the strength came from a desire to have a good life. I wanted to feel safety, love and trust in a relationship again and I knew I could never have that with XH. It was not so much about saying that XH did not deserve a second chance but about saying, I did.

Strength also came from the realization that a guy that could cheat on me, gaslight me, etc, was a guy more than capable of screwing me over financially. Knowing that I needed to secure my financial stability for myself and my infant, sent me scrambling to consults with attorneys, so I could file and receive the protections thereof.

Strength to you.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You recognize that actions speak louder than words. His actions have told you plenty.

You recognize that maybe he wants to stay married - but married doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to you. You got married and envisioned growing old together, your 50th wedding anniversary - a lifelong love. He was scoping out Craig's list before your first anniversary...

You recognize that love doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to you. You are not compatible. The good news is you are still young enough to have a golden anniversary but it will only likely happen with someone else...

I'm sorry, movingbackwards, but cheating in the first year of marriage - hunting to cheat and to the degree you describe... I mean, what is there invested in the marriage to save? Save yourself!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4171 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
movingbackwards
♀ 40612
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take2, I know. It seems so plain and obvious when someone else says it. I'm scratching my head about why this isn't a no brainer for me. Wish I had had the guts to kick him out on d day.


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You appear to be extremely close to your Dday - which would mean you are still in triage mode at this time. Your goal right now is just to survive day by day and go through the motions the best you can. And I won't lie to you - it sucks and it's extremely hard - but it gradually DOES get better - but it takes effort and time.

KEEP POSTING - you CAN do this. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
sunsetslost
♂ 39885
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The strength comes from within. It's there. You may not think it is but it's there. The strength comes from family. From life long friends. From your spirit. It's there. I promise. The strength comes from loving yourself. From the courage to change and choose happiness. The strength comes from knowing you woke up today. And you will tomorrow. It's so damn hard. But each day it gets easier. I'm so sorry for you. The strength comes from us. We are here for each other. We are here for you.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 781 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Iamhappytoday
♀ 39051
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I need to print the response above and tape it to my mirror.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength came to me in knowing I had to put the M on the chopping block and risk it all in order to determine if there really was any chance of R, and knowing I was prepared to see it through. It came when I finally said enough is enough. Everyone has their own limit, and you will know when yours has been reached. Listen to your brain over your heart because it might take a while for your heart to catch up...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1313 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
MissMoneypenny
♀ 34714
Member # 34714
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is not a popular opinion on SI but honestly my strength to separate came from meeting another man while I was still desperately trying to save my marriage and accepted every imaginable shit treatment and humiliation by my WH who was parading his whore.

The other man showed so much love and care and respect for me that I realized what I never had in my marriage and what I would never have in my marriage because if my WH couldn`t show me this in 15 years before DDay no miracle on earth would convince me that he would change that much even with the best efforts to reconcile.

Although I struggled with many issues after separating I never once really missed my WH as a partner because he just never was one in the first place.

I still mourn our marriage every day, our broken family , the sometimes good old times, miss my sweet in-laws incredibly- and yet I know I am better off without him.

The other man is still in my life, we were separate for six months because I had to sort out a lot of emotional issues on my own and get the feeling that I am strong on my own, we are back together now and yes, life is good, but after everything I went through I know I will always be fine on my own.


" The only thing I have in common with OW is our birthday "

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Europe
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I realised that the hurt/hell I was trying to avoid by not walking away was but a drop in the ocean of the hurt/hell I might live for years if I stayed.

Much like those of us who start off trying to stay for the kids and end up leaving for the kids.

There's only so long you can do CPR on a dead M. I was lucky in that his total lack of remorse was so transparent despite his pretty words that I really had no other choice. When it came down to it it was either keep trying to save that dead M or start saving myself and my girls. I chose us. I chose me. Perhaps for the first time since that relationship started.

I have found that I had the strength in spades, it was courage I was lacking. I let my fears numb and immobilise me. I reverted my childhood coping mechanisms.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:21 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My strength grew when I stopped beating myself up.

Also, when I educated myself about the stages of CHANGE!

There are 5 stages of change:
1. Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or underaware of their problems.
2. Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action.
3. Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
4. Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
5. Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.

Also, by finding my humor.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Gather your facts. Look at finances, new places to live, and educate yourself about Divorce in your state. Break it down. Take one step each day.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've received lots of great advice already about finding strength, and I agree with all of it. I've also found that different things work at different times. What helped me feel strong one time may not work the next time, but something else will. Just don't give up!

I want to respond to your mention of guilt. I didn't get the chance to even consider R. My XWH was remorseless and left immediately to start his new life with OW. So I can only imagine the complicated feelings that come over you when you're in that position.

JMO, but he forfeited any right to be able to continue with your marriage the moment he decided to cheat. At that point, the decision whether or not to continue became yours and yours alone. Some things really are not forgivable, and IMO infidelity is one of them. I have great respect for those who try to R, but honestly I don't know how they do it. It's got to be agony.

Don't forgot who drove the bus to the point where it is now. HE did. And there is nothing wrong with you saying that you want to get off. You shouldn't feel guilty that you've come to realization that what he did was a deal-breaker for the marriage. It was still HIS action that broke it, not yours.

((((movingbackward))))

Hang in there!


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1047 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From a more practical standpoint:
To finally say, I deserve better than this?

When you're ready to step out of Ambivalence and finally make a choice, I suggest you check out your library's copy of "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship" by Mira Kirshenbaum.

She provides a list of 36 questions that helped me decide.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take2 said it nicely. I agree 100% with that.

It is tough, though, to process everything that has happened. It may take time some more time for you to do that. More time would be OK.

You are fully within your rights to say, "Hey, look. I need more time. I may not be able to stay married to you. Right now, I don't know." Then, take whatever time you need and see how he acts.

It's also worth pointing out that for some, infidelity is simply a deal breaker. You may still be figuring out if you are one of those people.

Please don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself the permission to be ambivalent, if that's how you feel. It's ok. You've been traumatized and are still processing what has happened and what you need/want to do about it.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and another really big thing. You two have no kids together. That is huge. It cannot be overstated. Once you have a child together it all changes. You are connected to him for the rest of your life.

You're very young. It may not feel like it to you, but you're kind of in the driver's seat here. I'd probably vote to drive away from the asshole, and as you're driving breath a huge sigh of relief. But, that's me.

Good luck.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Dawn58
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never thought of myself as a strong person. I was always dependent on the men in my life. I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety and thought I would fall apart.

Over the past 9 months, I have found a reserve of strength I never thought I had. He told me to leave the house and I did. I woke up each morning and somehow got through each day. Some days, I spent in a ball on the floor, sobbing my heart out. Other days, stomped around in my living room with so much rage, I could not see straight. Other days, quiet, contemplative. Some how, I am where I am today. Feeling stronger, feeling whole.

How I did it? Breathe through each moment. Be where my feet are. Talking to friends and family. Posting and reading post here. Pray. Walks. Long bubble baths. Honoring myself - honoring my feelings. Taking care of myself the best way I knew how. Doing the things that scared me - talking to attorneys, expressing my needs, living my life.

Taking each step as it came.

You have no idea the strength that is within, the courage you possess. it is there, you will uncover it.

(((hugs)))


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
movingbackwards
♀ 40612
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies. You are so kind and helpful. I am so grateful that I found this site.


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength comes for me in several forms. Sometimes in realizations and new thoughts about life and sometimes it's come from things he did or said...actions and words or lack thereof.

One of the big realizations that I still work on is giving thought to myself as a person now, where before I was so devoted that most of my thoughts and time went to my marriage and family. I got lost in that life and was in love with that life so much so that he steam rolled right over me and my life and our child's.

Other realizations have come as my BS fog lifts...a mix of posts already here. One thing that was big was the idea that he had zero respect for me and was also mocking the very life that we had worked 20 years to build. He was mocking what I stood for and believed in and he was mocking me and our child, as well.

I think, finally, or also, the realization that we were living two totally different lives and behind my back, over time, he had changed from being what I thought was my best friend and confidant besides loved one...he was now basically out to get me. And I want very much to be taken seriously as a person, which,, by his actions, he did not. This idea really pushed me forward, for it was only I living the marriage, but no one told me.

ETA that as I learned more and more about his double life, other feelings took over me and grew...disgust and a realization that because of all of his activity (different women), he didn't really have respect for anyone.

And someone that could abandon his own child and bring strangers to our home...my respect for him went out the window, then.

I'm so sorry that you are having this happen in your life but I also agree with the posts about your having no children - it may not seem like it now, as people told me, but once the fog starts to clear maybe you would be able to rebuild the life you had before and even find someone who will show you the respect you deserve.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:33 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a question I have asked myself. I wish I had left the first time but I was older and afraid I'd never have kids. Now I feel guilty for bringing a child into this mess of a marriage.
I agree to take your heart out of it. Run while you can!

There's only so long you can do CPR on a dead M.

Thank you for this. I'm an ER doc and can really relate to a senselessly prolonged code yet that's what I've been doing!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 19

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