"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

heathenchristian posted 9/10/2013 21:55 PM

I have so many things going through my head.

Do I 180? Do I continue to R?

He starts IC tomorrow.

He has been late to work (not his fault) the past 2 days and had to work over to make it up so he doesn't get in trouble. He's thinking of going to his mom's tonight to stay(she lives 10min from his work)

I hate when he's not here.

He left this morning grumpy and I called him on it. Said he was thinking alot and he was sorry for being grumpy.

I found a letter he wrote me about 3yrs ago when he 1st told me the hooker story(was really the OW)
I copied it and was thinking of giving him the letter with some highlighted areas and comments.

I think maybe if I had been where I am today and been able to voice my concerns and anger that maybe all of this would not have happened.

Also, a guy he used to work with that I've never met in person or even talked to on phone or on FB before has sent me a friend request. This is the same guy that also had an A with the same OW. He baited my husband to make a move on her saying she was wanting it, well he was doing it to see if she would cheat on him(the other guy) and well once my H did whatever it was he did the 1st time(hooker story) this guy stopped talking to the OW and my H never put it together until just recently.
I am wondering do I accept this request and pry for info on OW? I only know her 1st name and that she lives in a certain area, nowhere near us thank GOD or I'd be a raving lunatic.

I don't know that I want to torture myself with anymore info about her. At the same time, I'd like to take her pic and her phone number and plaster her all over the place with "call me, I'm a slut who sleeps with married men with no regard for my family or yours"
I won't though, well, I don't think I would.

I don't want him to go stay at his moms but I know if he's late again for the 3rd day in a row, it won't be good.
I just don't want this to be a daily or even every other day thing.

It leaves no time for us and well right now we haven't been communicating well again.

I also double checked his phone calls and texts to the girl he used to work with (NOT THE OW) that he was texting on Saturday while I was out and he intially called her in early afternoon and then I was able to hack into his phone and he was looking for something to do with our child and thought that maybe they could get together and the two kids could play(her child is about 1wk older than mine, we were pregnant at same time)

I am still very upset about his calling her 1st though.

I am going to have to make a list of boundaries that he needs to follow if he wants this to work. I know he's not sure of anything right now but I need to have my boundaries out there.

I am also pissed because he seems to never fight for our marriage, If I say it's over, he's ok with that...well in the past he's like what can I do if you say your done? For one ASSHOLE, let me know you care enough to want to try and make it work.

I am a mess emotionally and I had a bad day. I ate chicken nuggets for lunch but did not eat the fries at all, not even one.

I've been doing so good, but the stress of it all got to me today. I have to be strong and not let this get out of control again.

[This message edited by heathenchristian at 9:57 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

heathenchristian posted 9/10/2013 22:22 PM

So he left for his moms. I'm
Why?
It's like no big deal to him.

It's a major big deal for me.

I've been thinking maybe I should go see a lawyer just to see what my rights are. I don't want a divorce, but I don't think he wants our M.

sammie posted 9/11/2013 04:40 AM

Hugs darlin. Lots of hugs.

Did he go to visit his Mum or do you mean he has left for good?

I think you should go see a lawyer for sure. Knowledge is power remember.

confused615 posted 9/11/2013 05:08 AM

He's a grown man. He can't get himself up a little earlier so he's not late for work? he has to spend the night at his mommy's house?

Im sorry.

You found texts from him to another mom..asking her to get together for a play date? And he didn't discuss this ahead of time with you? Im sorry...I think he was fishing there. And using his child as an excuse.

I can see why you're unsettled. I think you should implement the 180. Take care of YOU.

((((((heathenchristian))))))

heathenchristian posted 9/11/2013 09:30 AM

Did he go to visit his Mum or do you mean he has left for good?

Not for good, just so he was closer to work and wouldn't be late.

He can't get himself up a little earlier

He's never been a morning person. However he's been on 1st shift again over a month and then the last few days or so the traffic has been really bad and he's been late. We are 40mi away, he leaves about 6:30am gets up at 5:30 and doesn't have to be to work until 8. Took 2hrs yesterday.

found texts from him to another mom..asking her to get together for a play date

Yes. His other choice was going to his moms. He does not like to be alone. Very needy. I hope in IC he can work on this.

Hoops posted 9/11/2013 14:19 PM

Play-date for children ...

He gives the other woman your phone number and you arrange it. He has NO business talking/texting another mommie about anything!!

Maybe 5 years out, in full R when he has made MAJOR changes can he arrange playdate for kids with another female.

He is either testing boundries (no adult should be doing this anyhow, this is for children to do), being defient (another personality trait that is child-like), or passive/agressively punishing you (another negative personality attribute).

180. Hard.

There are multiple things in your post saying he is not in R, or anywhere close to being there.

Start living your life and let him see if he can work his out. He wont do it if you are trying to make him. He either wants to or he doesn't but that is HIS choice to make. Your choice is to live your life.

heartache101 posted 9/11/2013 15:34 PM

heathenchristian
He is not reaching for a playdate doll. If it was a playdate you would of been involved...

He needs boundaries. No texting other women..No FB other women. You get a joint facebook account.
Etc. etc....
Again there is no "I" in a relationship. It is "WE"..
Tell him that.

Also can you move to get closer to his work.. Just a thought..

Holly-Isis posted 9/11/2013 15:53 PM

There's a SAHD in our circle. The only time he's been at a play date my kids have had with his has been when another mom and dad were there and it was a pool party. Otherwise, if its just his kids and mine, I usually watch the kids and he goes home and does whatever he does with his free time. And this man has never cheated. He has the same boundaries with other moms.

There is no reason for your H to be arranging time with a woman alone.

Since he won't create boundaries, what are yours?

heathenchristian posted 9/11/2013 17:18 PM

Also can you move to get closer to his work.. Just a thought..

wish we could but then I'd have to find another job and right now mine is great in the sense I do not get in trouble for taking time off for sick kids. Not to mention we wouldn't be able to sell our house for what we owe.

I don't get the 180. We are communicating. If we stop communicating we would end up where we were before the A happened and then more would probably happen. That is a problem we've had forever is communication and we seem to be getting better at it.

I will have to tell him that she is off boundaries as well as the AP.
I am making a list of boundaries.

uncertainone posted 9/11/2013 17:54 PM

I am making a list of boundaries.

For him or you? If for him they won't work. He needs to establish those on his own.

If for you, excellent idea.

A good one may be no contact with him right now. Maybe he stays with his mom for a bit while you take some time to heal without incurring any further damage by close exposure to his choices.

I know you've posted recognition of your pre-affair behavior with him. Fine. Good start on building a better you. You can't do that by letting your guilt at past bad choices fuel current bad choices. That's just a circle jerk from hell.

He's still making bad choices using toxic thought processes. He hasn't even come close to the realization that nothing you did or are made his choice to cheat a viable option or a good way to handle things.

He may never care enough to dig, fix or grow. This sad reality is just like his choices to cheat...not about you or your marriage. It's about him and his lack of courage or strength to look inside, see the real ugliness and fix it.

Until he does have that he's no different than he was while actively cheating and therefore not a safe person for you to be around.

Even if he doesn't have that ability, you do. Make healthy choices.

heathenchristian posted 9/11/2013 21:06 PM

He may never care enough to dig, fix or grow. This sad reality is just like his choices to cheat...not about you or your marriage. It's about him and his lack of courage or strength to look inside, see the real ugliness and fix it.

I've seen his soft, gentle, loving, caring side and wish that would come back.

I'm not sure he wants to fix parts of him though.

I love him and I know I can't fix him. I also know I may need to let him go. I just don't want to give up so easily the way he does.(this part frightens me)