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Do you ever understand why?

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iwillNOT posted 9/10/2013 23:14 PM

I am in agony obsessing and trying to figure out, how could this happen? Why did he do this? How could he have a year long affair, lie, gaslight, deny, betray...

Here are some different things he has said, at different times, in answer to the why:

1. He was numb and just wanted to feel something(longstanding depression.)

2. He felt appreciated, wanted, sexually and otherwise by the OW. Our sex life at home was lacking.

3. He was very angry at me( in relation to our lack of sex life and my frustration with him sitting on his a** all the time, basically, leaving me to run everything on my own and care for 4 small children.)

4. He was entitled to his sexuality and since I didn't care about that, he found someone who did.

5. And my all time favorite - he loves me and wanted to stay married to me, so he had the affair for the benefit of our marriage.

I don't think he knows why he did it, really. When he spilled out reason #5, I even asked him, when you hear yourself say that out loud, does it make any sense to you at all? He allowed that no, it did not.

I feel like I have gone through the looking glass to a hideous alternate reality where nothing makes sense.

How did you start to make sense of the why's? When did you begin to see glimmers of the real reasons? Or does it never make sense?

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 11:15 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

PhantomLimb posted 9/10/2013 23:55 PM

No, it never made sense to me. I tried to understand the reasons he gave me, but they were so stunningly nonsensical, I knew pretty early on that the "answer" was going to be that I wasn't going to get an answer to why he did this and I would have to just let it go. I still don't know for sure if he went insane or is just a particularly nutty WS.

How they can convince themselves so utterly of these "excuses" is beyond me.

StruckNumb posted 9/11/2013 00:31 AM

My WH said it was because the economy tanked, he hated his job, we weren't communicating, so they went to lunch, had some wine, and then it just happened. Then when it just happened, "it felt good," so he continued it.

However, my perception is different. Years earlier, when I thought he was happy, I had clear sensing he was shopping around through his female
friends trying to start something so I completely shut down. I knew Victoria's Secrets wasn't enough. (Don't know why I stayed though)

I had no answers as to why he started shopping, when we were communicating, when I thought he
was happy. I just knew he was shopping. I just completely numbed out. This was my mom/dad's dynamic repeating and it paralyzed me.

Later...the blessing of honest indication I did get was one of the first bubbling things out of his mouth on dday (what I knew deep down too)...that he had "never slept with anyone but you before" (we were both virgins). And I think it's probably as concrete and simple as that...he didn't have what he felt was his fair share of diverse tits and ass in life. And he was going to make damn sure he got his.

Hope2B posted 9/11/2013 00:58 AM

My cheating husband told me he wasn't getting anything at home, and the opportunity presented itself (along with his "loaning" her money and her repaying him with handjobs and bjs).

He has decades of ED and PE problems and refused to get help so we stopped having sex. Great foreplay, but he left high and dry, frustrated, and in tears. He didn't much care about that because he didn't pursue help, no matter how much I begged.

I asked him why he didn't bring it up to me, about exploring sex again. Some lame ass answer: I dunno.

I asked why he betrayed me, lied to me, and continued to do so--he figured I wouldn't find out, and it felt really good, and she was REALLY attractive. Probably the easiest money she ever made, for less than 20 seconds of "work."

I don't think I'll ever know, or even understand, why.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:00 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

kansas1968 posted 9/11/2013 01:38 AM

Affairs are very selfish things. Basically they do it because it feels good. It is a fantasy, a stepping out of real life. We would all like that sometimes, but most of us have boundaries in place that prevent us from having an affair.

There are reasons that marriages can get shaky and that people become disconnected, but an affair is NEVER the path to happiness. It falsely feeds their sense of ego, self-worth, and the sex is exciting a new like any new relationship.
The problem is that when the bubble bursts, they feel worse about themselves. They hurt themselves, their spouses, their children, their families, and the families of their AP. And they know that, so they just feel worse.
When they really can look at it, realize it was selfish and counter-productive, then they can start to feel real remorse, and start to rebuild their trustworthiness and honor.

So sorry you are having to deal with this, but you certainly are not alone. It you will look at your member number, that should tell you how many people are dealing with this. You will always have support on this site.
Hugs and keep posting.

Thefly559 posted 9/11/2013 04:55 AM

For me , I will never . I stopped trying to , although I fall back into it at times . My therapist and every book I have read pretty much says that I may never know why? I have heard every excuse as everyone else but the best one was " you knew , I told you I was not happy " I say this was the best because I would actually ask her if she was cheating and she would tell me I was insecure. When they get into that emotional love , the emotion she should have given to me , they are in a whole other world . My buddies wife did the same when she left him for his best friend . We discussed the lies and excuses and they were identical ! Our wives didn't even know each other. So my advice is to focus on you only ( and kids of course) and stop trying to figure out why. I am sorry you are here and I assure you that you are not alone in your pain! Good luck

womaninflux posted 9/11/2013 07:34 AM

The answer lies in their family of origin and even then no matter what happened in the past to lead to this path, HE is an adult and needs to take responsibility. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You aren't responsible - he is.

Work on your own healing. You will eventually come to a more peaceful place and accept the situation (note: that does not mean its ok or y ou approve). But obsessing too long actually is a step back.

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/11/2013 07:54 AM

I understood it perfectly.

He's simply one of the most self-entitled, selfish, uncaring asses on the planet and felt it was his god given right to do whatever he pleased, as long as it served him

I didn't look for reasons such as depression or family of origin or whether Mercury was in retrograde - I simply looked at it for what it was. And what it was, was a selfish ass-hat pleasing himself.

Camalus posted 9/11/2013 08:08 AM

Like you, I terribly want to understand. I want to know 'why'.

One of the first things I was told in IC is there will never be a logical answer to that question. Logic does not apply when emotions rule.

I get that. But that doesn't prevent me from wanting to know why our marriage was volated.

In IC I was given a copy of 'not just friends'. It has given me a little insite but doesn't answer the root quesion of 'why'.

Pardon the typos. Am posting via blackberry while waiting for my next IC apt.

Broken6 posted 9/11/2013 08:13 AM

SELFISHNESS. No matter what rhetoric or excuses or explanations they give, it boils down to core of their being, they are SELFISH. They were probably always this way. They may have even been raised this way, lived this way all their lives. When I look back hard at the behavior other than the affair, there is a common denominator in all of his actions, SELFISHNESS. We may never get a coherent explanation for such egregious behavior, but I am comfortable just painting him with the brush of SELFISH. Always was, always will be. It might even be in their DNA.

Blameitontherain posted 9/11/2013 08:21 AM

Do you ever understand why?

I will counter that with another question. Will there every be a why that makes you feel it was acceptable for him to have an affair? No matter what he tells you, no matter how deep he digs into IC, nothing will ever make it acceptable. Does that mean he shouldn't do that work? No. It needs to be done for the wayward.

Just be aware that no answer to why is going to satisfy you the bs. It won't. It may help you to understand the mindset, the way things played out, etc but the why will never make it acceptable.

Abbondad posted 9/11/2013 08:25 AM

Having had a long time to sift through all the "why's" as articulated by STBXWW, it all comes down to various manifestions of this: It's my fault.

tushnurse posted 9/11/2013 08:33 AM

For me this was a requirement for a successful R. I knew that if he didn't get to the real root of making these choices I was setting myself up for another betrayal.

I can honestly say that it is not an answer that you get right away, and it takes the WS working hard, on themselves to figure it out.

For every reason they give you, it needs to go deeper. Why was he numb, why was he not feeling with me?
Why did he need the outside validation? Why was that better than what he had at home?
Anything related to not getting enough sex, or the right kind of sex needs to get squished and called for the bullshit it is when it comes out of their mouths. It's their responsiblity to communicate with their spouse their wish to have, more, different, less, sex. If they can't do that, then they need to figure that shit out immediately.

For our situation, it was a combination of things, depression, lack of external validation, and him realizing that I didn't need him. Of course I didn't NEED him, but I wanted him.
There is a point where a lot of realize that the life we are currently living is as good as it's gonna get for a long time. After we have worked our tails off in college, and land the good job, and work hard, and have babies, it's more a quarter life crisis, and you realize that for all your hard work, your only reward is that you get to do it day after day after day, and it's a challenge to be the perfect employee, the best spouse, and most awesome parent, and you don't get atta boys nearly enough. The realization that you have to do it all for you, and be happy with yourself, and validate yourself, that's when it gets better, and the WS really starts to heal.

Anyway that's my thoughts on it.

crushed47 posted 9/11/2013 08:39 AM

I now understand why - some 6 years after exww ran out of our home with her panties around her ankles and into her boss' house (and this is in spite of everything she told me which was mostly justification). She did it because she was selfish, felt entitled to do-so and had the opportunity. Enough said - forget the why, divorce his sorry ass and move on with your life.

1Faith posted 9/11/2013 08:45 AM

We may understand how and even hear their reasons why but I don't think we will ever fully understand and reconcile the WHY that will aid us in healing.

You can't make sense out of nonsense. It's like trying to fully understand why a terrorist would choose to blow themselves up. Inconceivable for most, I guess unless you were ever a WS and can truly identify.

My concern is that there are two affairs that you know of.

After the first and seeing the damage and hurt it caused how can he knowingly do this again to you and your family?

His responses are that of someone who is trying to justify his behavior. From what you write, he doesn't sound too remorseful at all.

He needs IC to figure out how and why he thinks he is justified in treating you and your marriage this way.

If his thought process doesn't change and he doesn't come around to seeking forgiveness then I am sorry to say but he will continue to cheat.

Right now it sounds like it is all about him.

Look up the 180. Stand up for yourself, set your boundaries and protect you and your children.

Good luck. Sorry you are here.

keptmypromise posted 9/11/2013 09:02 AM

I have said it before, and I will say it again...There is never a suitable answer to WHY it happened....just excuses...It will never make sense to people that would never think of could it?

Merlin posted 9/11/2013 09:12 AM

One of the most valuable things said to me when I entered the JFO stage was "Don't try to make sanity out of insanity".

There are no reasons, justifications or excuses for infidelity. They are only rationalizations by cheaters.

iwillNOT posted 9/11/2013 11:38 AM

Thanks so much, everyone, for all the replies. It helps me greatly to hear of your experiences and thoughts.

At this point, I think the why I am hunting for has more to do with the fact that I still feel in shock,in a "did this really happen? How could this have happened?" kind of disbelief. Like the world doesn't make sense.

There is no why that would make it ok. I just want to understand, though I am really coming around to accepting that at it's essence - he did it, because he wanted to do it, more than he wanted not to do it. He wanted to, it felt good, he felt entitled, and he didn't think he would get caught.

One thing that I have refused to even entertain since Dday is that it is my fault. He has been trying to blame it on me. Try again, a**hole.

In my mind, I make the analogy of a hungry person, with no money for food. Do they offer to work for money or food? Do they try to borrow money to buy food? Or - do they just steal it, because it is quickest and gets them satisfaction.

It's a character flaw, isn't it? Because I was also unhappy, and I would NEVER cheat. Just not an option for me.

Thanks everyone.

Blobette posted 9/11/2013 11:48 AM

And weak people blame others for their bad choices. No behavior, on your part, could "make" him cheat. That's all on him.

Over a year out, I think I do understand somewhat what drove my WH to indulge in his A. He had bad feelings he couldn't deal with. He didn't understand the power of these bad feelings to fuck him up and drive his behaviors. He thought he was in control of his life. So he ended up doing something profoundly irrational. And I'm pretty sure he gets how awful what he did is. But does understanding it make it OK? HELL NO. Do I "get it"? HELL NO. Do I understand how he could have really done it? HELL NO.

Bottom line is, he did do it. And I will never get over it. I will learn to live with it and move on with my life. At some point I might feel joy again. But right now...

Oh, and your WH? He's MILES, no make that LIGHT YEARS from being anywhere near safe. He's still making excuses and blameshifting. No where near safe.

[This message edited by Blobette at 11:50 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

FoggedIn posted 9/11/2013 13:32 PM

I have the same question, but even though I'm only a month out from Dday, I'm pretty sure the Why for me will never be answered.

WH says he has no complaints about our M or me as a wife. He says our sex life is amazing, more than he could ever wish for. He still finds me sexy & is very attracted to me daily. But yet still made a deliberate decision to spend and entire day (at least) arranging a meet up with a prostitute, who, by WH account, was not attractive, a bit overweight, not his type and her lady bits had an odor!

I imagine in some situations there is a why, & in others, there is not. I wish there was a why, always, but I'm afraid there is not!

iwillNOT, your WH is making his own deficiencies yours. Do not let him! If there were issues in your M, there are plenty of ways to address and improve them. Having an A is not it!

XO - Hugs

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