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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: How Did Your Love For WS Change?
MsRukia
♀ 40219
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we have been together 13 1/2 years and married for 10. The A happened from the fall of year 9 until early this summer. I liken the affect on me to having an atomic bomb dropped twice on my heart. I am shattered and now slowly picking up the pieces.
WH says he loves me. I believe the way we express and receive love is different. He seems to want the romantic kind. You know the lovey, dovey kind you have as dating and newly weds.
My idea of love is different. It's caring for him and ensuring he has what he needs. I believe love is a choice and am action.
We seem to be on m wave lengths.
I don't feel romantic love, at all. He equates this to me not wanting to be married to him. I say me staying to work on things does demonstrate love.
So my question is.. Can an affair change how we love? Is this typical? Any advice or perspective?


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Losttransport
♀ 39409
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure you will get different replies, but yes, my love for WH changed. I changed. I love him, but I don't trust him not to hurt me again so it's a wary kind of love. Like I'm waiting. I know others who have gone through this have a stronger love, tempered through steel. Good luck.


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 97 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The love has changed for me. I have felt that love was either withheld from me or there was no love at all coming from my H to me, before, during, and after the A. I now have a difficult time feeling anything. I just feel flatness. Anger rises and that is better than flatness. I am tired and weary. My head goes in circles and I do not know what I feel for him. He says he loves me. I feel nothing but sorrow where he is concerned. I want love and happiness. I just do not think it was meant for me.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 12:45 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
StruckNumb
♀ 38973
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now when I love him it hurts.


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
BIZZYBEEZ
♀ 37645
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loved him with every fiber of my being. I trusted him blindly - it never occurred to me he would betray me the same way my ex husband did. Now when I look at him I realize I don't feel the same love I felt for him before DDay. I still love him but not as deep & unconditionally as I did before. That makes me sad. We're working through it & he's been amazing but I'm so disappointed that what I felt was my fairy tale turned out to be a horror story.


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
Strugglestreet
♀ 40301
Member # 40301
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still love my H but it really has changed for me. I have prepared myself for the possibility that I could be hurt. I never want to be caught unaware again, so my love is guarded. I feel his love for me has deepened, and i believe his love for me is stronger than the love I have for him


BW (me) 34
WH (him) 36
Together 13yrs
Married 8years
4 Beautiful children
DD - 6th May 2013
Status - Trying to R, but fuck it's hard!

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Australia
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you guys need to talk this through. Maybe read the Five Love Languages together?

I don't feel romantic love, at all. He equates this to me not wanting to be married to him. I say me staying to work on things does demonstrate love

This sounds like he's demanding that you deal with things his way. He's not in any position to make such demands. He sound be trying to make you feel safe in a way YOU understand.

Are you guys in MC?


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
kiki1
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still love him, but less.

Its hurtful now to love him, never will be the same innocent love i had for him.

As one of the other posters stated, its a wary kind of love.

Which is sad. It isnt a fairy tale love

Maybe it will get better,,,,,


Posts: 686 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
MsRukia
♀ 40219
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bloblette... We start MC, though we have both been in IC the last few weeks. We did talk about the differences in how we love last night. It scares him that because my love has changed that I won't stay. We did talk about how I give and receive love. In still not completely clear what that looks like for him.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
heartbroken2012
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what everyone is saying...I dont love him the same. Wary kind of love, not blindly crazy in love anymore.

Its sad. I am having a hard time dealing with that.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jan 2013
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also now have a wary love and I don't ever see that changing. I loved my WH with all my heart and trusted him beyond measure. I was blindsided by the A. I no longer love him unconditionally like I did before. It makes me really sad to know that he threw our love away for someone that he truely did not love. He used the OW for sex and an ego stroke for 3yrs. He is also the type that thinks love is supposed to be the same as when we were dating and when it wasn't he took it elsewhere. I think he discovered (or at least I hope he has) that nobody stays that way after a few years of marriage. Real life settles in with all of it's ups and downs and that the romantic love takes effort on both spouses to stay alive.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loved him blindly and never questioned he didn't feel the same way. Now I love him in an obligatory way..the whole he's my kids dad, we have yrs of history, I don't want anything bad to happen to him kind of way. It makes me sad to think about how I always knew he had my back...until he put a knife in it. I'm afraid I will never feel that way again about anyone and scared that I will.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have had 2 ddays in the last month..a dday..and one a few weeks later when you discovered that he had continued the A..even though he knew exactly how shattered you were on dday#1.

And he expects you to feel romantic love for him NOW?

Yeah..it doesn't work that way. He destroyed your heart. The reason you are unable to feel romantic right now is because your walls are up..as they should be. He needs to do a lot of work on himself before you will feel comfortable lowering a wall. False R..and a continued A..will cause enormous devastation.

What you are feeling is absolutely normal. What he wants from you right now is unfair.

As to your question...yes..my love for him has changed. He used to be my hero..I adored this man..now I realize he is just a man..he's not a hero..I am learning to love this new man. He is giving me plenty of reason to feel comfortable doing so.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think the way I feel about her wrt love has changed, but all the other shit around that has, making it hurt, as SN already posted.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7575 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
64fleet
♂ 18710
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It simply disappeared. Lately something has been coming back.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5405 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ 40150
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely not the same. I'm very guarded. Some times I look at my WH and wonder who he is. The love I feel now doesn't feel genuine.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
MsRukia
♀ 40219
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point confused. I am still sorting through so many emotions. He feels that if you love someone unconditionally that your love is not supposed to change. But I think how is is responding is out of a lot of fear. We have so much history and he doesn't want to lose me. I remind him that it is hard to stay as he shattered my heart. I think he gets it at this point, but his eternal optimism is that we will have a better marriage on the other side of all this crap. But it pains him that my love for him is hurt and changed. I dunno, I am not going to lie to him and say my love for him is all restored and everything is hunky dorey cause it's not. I am still in the stage of can I even stay married and if I do can I be content? I know love can grow and change and my romantic love can come back in time. But I don't know what I need to happen for it to come back. Sorry if that sounds rambly.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Kierst13
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel ambivalent towards my WH.

I don't wish anything bad for him, but nothing about him gives me positive or warm feelings anymore.

I heard a song for the millionth time yesterday and something it in resonated with me. The chorus "Now you're just somebody I used to know". I no longer *know* the man that lives in our shared space. He is a stranger and possibly even the boogeyman. He looks familiar but he *feels* foreign.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
stunnedin12
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel ambivalent towards my WH.
I don't wish anything bad for him, but nothing about him gives me positive or warm feelings anymore.

Kierst13 nailed it. I look at wh and feel nothing. I wish I did, but I don't. Somedays I feel a nagging sense of anger and resentment but no warm fuzzy feelings.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jan 2013
Razor
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like WW. She is a fun person to be around. I enjoy her company.

Love and romantic feelings. Not so much. The part of me capable of those feelings died.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 42
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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