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I don't know what I'm doing anymore

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cannibal posted 9/11/2013 00:42 AM

We have been together for over 11 years now. We have never married for a variety of reasons, but mostly because she has never been able to get her finances togther and a marriage would ruin my credit. Early on she had a one night stand and we had a few short breaks where she fooled around. In 09 we had a split because she was stealing money for pills and I broke it off to try and make her get clean. A month or two later we R. Part of our agreement was for her get a job which she did. We didn't get to see much of each other because we worked different shifts but when we did have time things where great. Money would still come up missing occasionally but it was no where near what it was before and she was able to pass random piss test. In January I had seen her pull up in front of the house and I went out to greet her. She was busy messing with her phone and didn't notice me standing there so I just sat back and admired her. I noticed her deleting text and when she got out I asked her about it. She was evasive but our anniversery aproaching and I decided just to drop it. Ok so 02/28/13 I came home to find her phone dead and her passed out on the couch. I powered her phone on and found a few missed text. This is how I found out about the affair. I woke her up had an argument and ended up kicking her and my "step son" out to move back into her mom's.
Ok so we continued to talk and come April I decided to move them back in because her mom's is a bad scene. I found in that time that she was using again and during the time we were split she had neglected to pay her student loans and other financial obligations. It wasn't until June that I was able to get my roommate out and actually move them back in. I did this without ever getting the truth about things. She was wanting to rug sweep the whole thing. Shortly after moving them back in, she lost her job. This made me happy because it broke her connection with the om who just so happened to be m with two children. It also gave me a chance to take over the finances, put us both on the same work schedule, and try and address her drug habit. It only took a couple of weeks for her to find a new job. It wasn't until I found this site and found a few articles/links and composed an email last week that I was able to get some kind of confession/apology from her. I know I still haven't got the total truth out of her, but she seems to be apologetic about the whole thing.
So here we are today, trust completely broken, me trying to deal with the affair, and her trying to deal with her addiction and other problems. We have talked about seeing a mc but have yet to do it and both of us probably need some ic. I'm not sure what's my question but just figured I'd put my situation out there and see what others think.

cannibal posted 9/11/2013 02:26 AM

Here is a little more information on my situation. In April I asked her to marry me. Soon after I bugged her phone, without her knowledge, to check to see if she was still talking to anyone else. This how I found out how bad her drug habit had became. In early June I told her about the bug and confronted her about her habit. After that she gave me the passwords to her Facebook and emails. On 7/23/13 I found a bunch of old messages in her sent box. There were several from April when we were split and one from June shortly after I moved her in. The one from June was a goodbye message, but the way it sounded he had already broke contact with her and because of that she decided she would work things out with me. I confronted her about this and she played it down. The following day or the day after there was two messages exchanged. I was unable to tell direction or content of the messages. When I woke her up to talk about it. She said he had sent her two messages but she deleted them without reading them. It was a couple of days after they were sent I noticed the log, but that day she was really distant. Since then I believe there has been no contact, but if I've learned one thing about her during our relationship it's that she is really good at lieing. I guess I'm posting on here instead of talking to her about things because I feel we really need to do some enjoyable things together so that all our time together won't be spent talking about the A and my ability to deal with it.

wifehad5 posted 9/11/2013 07:07 AM

Hi and welcome cannibal. Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found us

You've been together for a long time, and have been through a lot. I think an important question for you is why are you still with her? You've been waiting a long time for her to get things together. What makes it worth trying?

She's dealing with a lot as well. It sounds like she's been struggling along these past 11 years with no real changes. What has she changed? What's she doing differently now?

kiki1 posted 9/11/2013 07:22 AM

Hello Cannibal,

Love the user name

I too am in a similiar situation. Dealing with addiction and affairs. They seem to go hand in hand sometimes.

I dont have much worthwhile advice for you, other than in your post you mention you've tried to address her drug habit. You know there is nothing you can do to fix that right? She has to do that on her own. She has to want it for herself.

I am still with my h, and though he has not been doing drugs, he still drinks. I have not asked him to stop, as again, he has to want this for himself. But i'm very happy that he is not using drugs anymore and feel that is a huge step on his part.

I think when there is addiction involved in this mess, it will be much harder and take longer to recover from it.

I understand why you would still be with her. I feel sometimes as if i should just let h go and be done with it. However, I do love my h, having an addiction does not mean someone is not capable of being loved. It is a hard road for us.

Continue reading, posting here. It truly helps. Your focus should really be on you right now. Making yourself stronger. When i did this, gave the h the 180, is when he started to come out of his "fog" and grasp how much he needed to start getting his stuff together.

We've tried counseling, it wasnt very effective. What works for us is God. I dont mean to push religion on you, but if you have links with it, now would be a good time to explore it further. Biblical principles have helped us to stabilize ourselves and identify priorities.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this mess. Due to the addiction aspect cannibal, you may never have the full truth. There is much my h cant remember due to this.

I wish you luck and strength on your journey.


sisoon posted 9/11/2013 16:01 PM

I think you'll get more of this, but you can't R with an addict who is using.

Keep repeating that to yourself: you can't R with an addict who is using. R is possible when an addict stops using, but not while she's using.

I encourage you to read about the 'Drama Triangle', for example, It's especially appropriate for addicts and the people who love them.

Are you serious about marrying her now? If so, what will that accomplish for you, for her, and for your stepson?

cannibal posted 9/12/2013 00:46 AM

Thank you everyone who took the time to read my post and a special thanks to the ones that took the time to respond. I feel as though I should respond to some of the question asked, weather they are rhetorical or not.
First why am I still with her. I care deeply for her and our son. I feel as though left to her own accord that the downward spiral that she would take would end up killing her and destroying her son.
What makes it worth it? That's a good question and one that I've often pondered. There are good time. She makes me smile, the sex is good, her son's father is a worse addict than she is and I feel it's good for him to have at least one positive role model in his life, and at times she is able to help me out when life becomes overwhelming. I know that last part is kinda counter intuitive because she is a big reason my life does overwhelm me.
What has she changed/ doing differently now? A big change that has happened since she has moved back is she now realizes that she can't handle her finances and has been signing them over to me. This something I pushed for before andwas uunsuccessful at achieving. Now that I have them at the moment it is a bit overwhelming but only because she was so far behind on things and generally fiscally irresponsible. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel for this but it will take about a year to get things worked out. Other changes that have occurred is total transparency of her electronic communications, increase in drug testing, and switching to the same shift I'm working.
Do you realize she has to give up drugs on her own? I do realize this. It's reason I broke ties with her before. I must admit though that I'm week and have always caved in and let her back in before she has hit true rock bottom. I too struggle with addiction. Though I'm a functioning addict. I do smoke, drink, work too much, and a little sex addiction. I do have to say that I have strong moral values. I don't lie, cheat, or steal. In fact the whole time we've been together I've only had one other partner and that was when we were split. That includes kissing.
Have I thought of turning to god? Yes I have. Though probably not for good reason. I mostly have thought of it to be able to find some friends of the relationship of good moral values. It seems the only people she ever calls friends are pill heads and I would like to change that. I'm against organized religion for the most part. I'm pro-choice, I don't like the way the so many horrible atrocities are justified by religion, and I've met quite a few people of low moral character that associate with the church.
Am I serious about marrying her now? I still see marriage as a possibility. To be honest though marriage is just a piece of paper and a ceremony. I've been married in my heart since early on in the relationship. The marriage would not help me out personal. The only way I would benefit from a marriage would be to be able to supply her and her son with health insurance, to be recognized by law as a guardian of our son, and I used to believe it would help with her stepping out. Though after her affair with a married man it kinda shattered the thought that she respected the institution of marriage enough to encourage reconciliation between married individuals.

cannibal posted 9/12/2013 01:02 AM

Oops double posted

[This message edited by cannibal at 1:06 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

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