You've been together for a long time, and have been through a lot. I think an important question for you is why are you still with her? You've been waiting a long time for her to get things together. What makes it worth trying?
She's dealing with a lot as well. It sounds like she's been struggling along these past 11 years with no real changes. What has she changed? What's she doing differently now?
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Love the user name
I too am in a similiar situation. Dealing with addiction and affairs. They seem to go hand in hand sometimes.
I dont have much worthwhile advice for you, other than in your post you mention you've tried to address her drug habit. You know there is nothing you can do to fix that right? She has to do that on her own. She has to want it for herself.
I am still with my h, and though he has not been doing drugs, he still drinks. I have not asked him to stop, as again, he has to want this for himself. But i'm very happy that he is not using drugs anymore and feel that is a huge step on his part.
I think when there is addiction involved in this mess, it will be much harder and take longer to recover from it.
I understand why you would still be with her. I feel sometimes as if i should just let h go and be done with it. However, I do love my h, having an addiction does not mean someone is not capable of being loved. It is a hard road for us.
Continue reading, posting here. It truly helps. Your focus should really be on you right now. Making yourself stronger. When i did this, gave the h the 180, is when he started to come out of his "fog" and grasp how much he needed to start getting his stuff together.
We've tried counseling, it wasnt very effective. What works for us is God. I dont mean to push religion on you, but if you have links with it, now would be a good time to explore it further. Biblical principles have helped us to stabilize ourselves and identify priorities.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this mess. Due to the addiction aspect cannibal, you may never have the full truth. There is much my h cant remember due to this.
I wish you luck and strength on your journey.
Keep repeating that to yourself: you can't R with an addict who is using. R is possible when an addict stops using, but not while she's using.
I encourage you to read about the 'Drama Triangle', for example, http://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/. It's especially appropriate for addicts and the people who love them.
Are you serious about marrying her now? If so, what will that accomplish for you, for her, and for your stepson?
[This message edited by cannibal at 1:06 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]