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whatamidoing posted 9/11/2013 03:29 AM

This day is such a tough one for many people so I feel pathetic having a pity party
I recognize how blessed I am to live where I do free and privileged. To have a family who loves me a job I like and I want for nothing.
The first year this day changed meaning was 1998 when my STBXH and I got married. We had planned a couple of dates prior to that but work got in the way we already had a 2 year old and I didn't have any doubt we would be together for ever so the actual wedding day just seemed like a formality that didn't have any of the shine and celebration that should have been felt on a wedding day maybe that is why it was so easy to leave our marriage . Maybe that is why he told the OW that he did it out of obligation and didn't even smile that day. Maybe that is why he never even bought me a wedding ring. I don't know, I thought we had something special, not traditional and I felt like my best friend and I would be fine. I had two regrets/reservations
Wish I had a dress and a dance
Wish he participated and pulled more weight
Fast forward to the 9/11 that changed the world
We were at the mall celebrating our anniversary with a family eye appointment and lunch (I know so romantic) but I was content I liked our way of relating and didn't need anything more! We talked and experienced that tragedy and had a great family and I didn't want for anything
Except maybe for him to participate and invest more in our relationship
Fast forward to 2010 something had changed I could not put my finger on it but the man who I enjoyed and loved had changed. He was angry a lot he had disappeared and there was no celebration just this feeling that I may not have many more anniversaries! I tried to talk to him but he said things were fine I knew they were not
I had no idea about the affair or secret emails or his story to the OW
I was desperate and pushy for him to participate in our life but he continued to pull away
2011 he had moved to the basement still telling me things would be ok he needed space work stress and my family . His affair progressed so his OW moved a few blocks from me I had no idea. (He says he didnt think they were that close and he was shocked she moved to town) I bought him a card with a personal message and he didn't acknowledge the occasion at all
2012 3months after DDay and I thought we were on a comeback! We were communicating like we had not in years (he said ever) He knew what was important and what he wanted and we were going to rebuild after his affair. We went for a walk that day but he took the OW out for dinner!
You see those movies where someone kills someone and then goes out to dinner like nothing happened and that is how my STBXH conducted himself during his affair
2013 Well I don't feel much hope but STBXH is still promising the moon while he delivers Crap! He is "living " with OW and has most of the time since April ( telling me almost the entire time how much he loves me and how he will fix this ) D papers are filed by me. He is trying to do to OW what he did to me but I don't have affairs so there has been no cheating just him talking crap and trying to keep her and get me. He is biding time till she moves back out west (about 5 more days) then he can start his affair with me and keep her on the hook none the wiser ? What a joke my marriage became from something I thought set us apart and made us special to a shiny red flag that says he never gave a crap and was always looking to do very little to be part of my family
I freaked out a few days ago not wanting this day to go by like this
I wanted the direction to be switched and for him to get his head out of his ass and try
I know at this point he is not enough of a person to make amends or to love me enough but the effort of trying would have been nice
But he is waking up beside her in his shitty basement apartment so far in debt he will never retire and he has lost the respect of his teenage daughter
So happy anniversary to me
I have no desire to ever be married it turned out it was just a piece of paper and although we were not special we sure didn't need to get married
Thanks to all of you for helping this last year

jjct posted 9/11/2013 06:51 AM

Sending strength to your poor heart. Never forget.

nowiknow23 posted 9/11/2013 07:04 AM


SBB posted 9/11/2013 17:14 PM

Time and time again I read stories on here and I'm astonished that so many of our Ms die much the same death.

I felt the heat of the raging fires that were his affairs and I saw the scorched earth that the M was becoming but for some reason I simply refused to see the fire.

We were different. He wouldn't do that. Not to me.

Not after I gave him the children he always so desperately wanted (and they're beyond perfect, BTW so I totally over-delivered).

Not after promising to love and protect me.

Not after I begged him to never cheat and make me a single mum - he swore on our unborn children's heads that he would never, ever do that to me.

but the effort of trying would have been nice

One day you'll see his lack of remorse as a gift. The longer he keeps trying to cake-eat and the longer you allow it the longer you will be stuck in limbo hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Any of it.


Lola2kids posted 9/12/2013 07:18 AM

Hugs whatamidoing.
9/11 is an anniversary for me too.
2 years ago he moved out of the house into the condo that was supposed to be for his parents (so that we would get the house back to ourselves after 7 1/2 years).
I can hardly believe it was 2 years ago.
So much has changed and so much stayed the same.
I finally realized that he left because he really does not want to be a father and family man. He is now engaged to OW but I know down deep in his "heart" he knows that she is not different or special and that eventually it won't work. That is why he hasn't moved to Europe to be with her yet. He still says he's not ready to go.

My only problem now is having to deal with him sporadically when he decides to be a "father". On and off. No consistency and no intent to be more consistent.
Anyway, I can deal with it.

I know at this point he is not enough of a person to make amends or to love me enough but the effort of trying would have been nice

Yes, it certainly would have been nice.

I hope you are feeling better today.

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