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Will anything ever be good enough??!!

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Strugglestreet posted 9/11/2013 04:46 AM

My H is a model remorseful spouse, he texts me constantly, says he will wait for me forever and will never give up on trying to make me happy, he writes poetry, and is open, honest and transparent. He is so scared of loosing me that he basically goes above and beyond all the time! I should be happy right?? Well why aren't I? Why does this affair over shadow everything that my H is doing to be a better man. He has changed everything about himself that I used to struggle accepting, and not because I have told him to, but because he wants to change himself and hates the person he used to be.

Will anything he does ever be good enough that I will be 100% sure I can live with this in our marriage and be happy? He is everything I want in a man, except he had an affair!!

Feelsmall posted 9/11/2013 05:44 AM

It just take time, a much longer time that you could ever imagine, lots of people take nearly 2 years to get a little bit better and very tiny progress on their trust to each other( yes, each other ), and feel less trigger from time to time.

[This message edited by Feelsmall at 5:45 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

SorrowBhindSmile posted 9/11/2013 09:15 AM

your WH sounds just like mine. He is the picture of remorseful transparency.

your DDay is still fresh. be gentle with yourself. I am just over 8 months out and i still struggle with this. But it gets easier with time. As long as your WH continues to work hard on himself and your M, be transparent, follow thru with solid concrete actions, it gets better, a tiny bit each day. Every time you check up and he is where he says he is, a tiny piece is rebuilt. Every time you check his phone, email etc, and there is nothing there, a tiny piece is rebuilt. Little by little, day by day.

It is hard to accept and believe the changes are real after such a profound betrayal. I totally understand and have the same feelings. But i have learned that R is a leap of faith. Someday...when you are will be able to jump in head first. For now, just dip your toe in the water and gets used to it. I mean, i am just now getting in the water ankle deep!

hugs to you!

bionicgal posted 9/11/2013 09:31 AM

Great analogy SBS!

Alex CR posted 9/11/2013 09:34 AM

Yes, in time H was remorseful at Dday almost four years ago and continues to do whatever it takes.

It's only during the last year or so that the "but he cheated on me" thought doesn't automatically pop into my brain like the end of the sentence after a compliment or a gift from him or when he does something above and beyond for me. It was especially difficult when someone else said something nice about my H or us as a couple and I heard that phrase in my head and felt like such a fake.

But time has given my H the opportunity to prove himself over and over and allowed my wounds to turn to scars. I don't think about the betrayal every hour, every day anymore. I even find myself many times laughing and playing with H without the burden of that phrase in my head or my heart. It's not gone, but it's receding to a place with all our other memories, both the good and bad.

Be kind to yourself and know that they call this a roller coaster ride for a reason. There are many for whom infidelity is a deal breaker and there are also many like myself, who always thought it would be, but are finding it is not.

Morhurt posted 9/11/2013 09:41 AM

Thank you for asking this, I'm in the same boat. These answers were very reassuring to me, I hope they are to you too.

As an aside~ there are so many stories on here of unremorseful WSs that it almost makes me think I'm supposed to grateful for mine because he IS remorseful. That makes me angry. For whatever reason your post made me feel better.

mesoSTUPID posted 9/11/2013 09:55 AM

I am at a little over a year and in between Sorrow and Alex. Sorrow's analogy in perfect. I am at the point where the A doesn't invade my every thought but I feel bad that sometimes he shares a feeling or emotion and in my head I say really you cheater or liar.

However, I do tell you that I am in a much better state of mind today than I was at 4 months.

The best advice some kind person on this site gave me is to not make any life changing decisions for 1 year. I am glad I listened.

My H was always a good H. I was in complete shock and devastated as all BS are when faced with this double betrayal (MOW was my good friend) but I am glad I have given my M the time it needs to heal.

I have yet to forgive him, but I figure that will come with more time.

If he's doing all you need him to do, hang in there.

Strugglestreet posted 9/11/2013 10:04 AM

Thanks for all of the replies, it is good to know that those of you who are further along in this journey have felt the way I do. I know time is a great healer, and even at 4months on I feel I have gone through a number of stages already. Thankyou MS, your suggestion on not making any life changing decisions in the first year has made me realise how fresh this is for me, and how I need to give myself time before I try to make any decisions on my marriage.

Lonelygirl10 posted 9/11/2013 11:18 AM

I have a similar Dday, and I feel the same way right now. Even when he's being good and trying, the phrase "but you cheated on me" is always in my head. And then the minor things that never would have upset me in the past are huge disagreements now because he cheated on me. I have so much resentment built up toward him.

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