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2yrs out. Dealing with circle of people

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Peanut5 posted 9/11/2013 04:59 AM

Opinions...I never discuss what happened with others. If so, I keep it very vague. " we had our tough time " or " we hit Rock bottom but have worked hard" etc. I feel that people have this constant need to know. But I don't feel the need to share. I know most people know some version through the gossip network. But I believe if I present myself as who I am, thAts all that matters. The OW is still very vocal about it but I wonder if the more she talks and the less I do , she appears as more of the fool. I know she exaggerates. And always makes me the villain and her the victim. But I still don't want to talk to other people about it. It's between my H and I. And I feel it's just juicy knowledge for others. Am I wrong? I'm slowly slowly learning and realizing that opinions of others don't matter but I also am still humiliated. Thoughts?!

nowiknow23 posted 9/11/2013 06:55 AM

Of course you're not wrong. And you wouldn't be wrong if you decided to tell everyone everything, either. You need to pick the path that feels right (or least wrong) for you and your situation.

You have nothing to be humiliated about, although I know that's not how it feels. Sending you continued strength.

heartache101 posted 9/11/2013 07:17 AM

You have nothing to be humiliated about.
Your husband does! She is a child. She will act like one.
I think you should use my old comment. You need to know this why? Boy you should see the look on their faces when you throw that question at them.

RockyMtn posted 9/11/2013 07:22 AM

I think your approach is spot on. People with 1/2 a brain will think exactly as you say - that she's the fool.

Is there another circle of people you can spend time with? My WH and I had the luxury (I suppose) of having multiple circles of friends/acquaintances. While the A wasn't widely known, we still cut out the circle that was involved, those that were friends with both WH and OW. I have found it so helpful to rid our lives of those reminders and people. Even if you can spend some time away from them, I think it helps a lot with triggers and humiliation.

TrustGone posted 9/11/2013 07:27 AM

The one that should be humilated is not you. I was the opposite and told everyone. I knew if I kept in to myself, my WH would possibly continue the A. He very much cares what others (especially his large family) think of him. He was the one that was humilated by what he did. He was especially humilated on DDay#2 after he had taken it underground for another year and his family had saw how bad I was trying to save our marriage. It did wake him up the second time around when he thought he was going to lose me for sure.

There are times that I wished people did not know because everyone thought we were such a perfect couple before the A. They were in shock when they found out what he did. I also let them know that if I caught him doing it again, there would not be a third chance to pull his head out of his ass and I would D him.

The decision to tell or not tell is a hard one and there are pros and cons to both. Only you can decide which is best for your situation. (((HUGS)))

Peanut5 posted 9/11/2013 16:22 PM

Thank you. I guess I struggle. I want to tell my side of the story as my H has revealed to me which I believe to be true. Hers is twisted to make her look like the victim. But then I guess that's what I'm trying to do. In the long run the truth always comes out. I feel better today since a friend is reaching out to me for help and advice because her H is in an affair with a MOW. And she said she knows that we had troubles but sees that my H adores the ground that I walk on and it's obvious he loves me so much. That made me happy. Even though she is in pain.

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