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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Said I needed space, and now I don't know (WS opinions welcome)
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to post here since I know WS reads my posts, but I also don't have any friends to talk to. I feel alone and confused, and I just need support.

I ended the relationship with WS last night. And then we backed up some, and now we're just taking space I think. I'm so confused and torn about it all.

Things have been building lately for me, and I've felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff. Last week was his birthday, and we got into a fight 2 days before his birthday over a lie that I suspected where I lost my temper and said he was full of *hit. We weren't able to recover from it. I tried to be cheerful and loving on his birthday, and planned a trip out of town as his present for the weekend. He was cold and distant. I pushed through it on his actual birthday, and tried to push through it in the car ride the next day. I finally broke, and "called him out" on him being distant (he told me to do that in MC). He said that I was pestering him, and he just wanted to be left alone. I cried in the car until we got to our destination, and then he apologized at the hotel. It still didn't feel right though. The next day he said he was sick, and seemed distant again. Then Sunday we got back home, and got into another fight. He walked away when I was talking, and I got mad and sat him down on the bed to talk. It seemed like it got better, and we were fine Monday. And then last night was bad again.

I've been begging him to go to counseling, and telling him I need him to do that in order to feel safe. He can't afford it, but found a church couple that would meet with both of us. That was like a month ago, and I've felt like I've been nagging him to set the appointment. He told me yesterday that they agreed to see us in 2 weeks, and I said I wish it was sooner. He saw that as me being snappy, and got upset and distant. I was trying to text him and he wasn't responding, and I was feeling anxious. So I called him to talk. He said that he felt like nothing he does is ever good enough for me. And then he said that he was done trying, that he wanted to break up. He said that it was too hard. I got upset that he cheated on me, and then broke up with me, and yelled at him for hurting me like that. Then he backed off what he said, and said that he just needed time alone to think about what he wanted. I thought about just saying okay, but he did that in December... he asked for time alone to think about whether he wanted me, and the whole time he was with OW without me knowing there was another woman. So, I just couldn't do that again. I thought I deserved better. And I broke up with him.

Now he's begging to see me tonight, and begging to go to counseling. He's saying all the right things and making all the right promises. He admits that he wasn't trying hard enough, admits that he was distant. He's saying everything that I want.

And I'm so torn. Our history is that he broke up with me in December because he was depressed. In reality, it was because of OW, but I didn't know that at the time. I waited on him for four months, and he was with her. We got back together, and he continued to be with her until Dday. I ended things, and then he convinced me to give it another try. I've been trying so hard to be patient and forgiving and understanding. But we are both miserable. I'm miserable because I can't get the movies and images out of my head, and I have so much resentment toward him. He's miserable because he feels like nothing he does is ever good enough for me now. He doesn't feel as loved as he used to be.

I still very much want to be with this man. I love him. There is a huge part of me that just wants to agree to see him tonight. I know that if I do, it'll be great for awhile. It's always great at first, when he's happy that he got me back. But I'm so terrified that after a few weeks, he'll go back to being miserable and distant and cold. He swears that this time is different, but I don't know how to know that. And then I also keep asking myself how I can be with someone who cheated on me with two girls, lied for months, and then said he wanted to break up. If I stay with him, what does that say about me? How can I possibly respect myself? The other thing is that I was already dealing with the insecurity of not knowing if he really wanted me because of OW, and now I know that he said he wanted to end the relationship. How will I deal with that?

But he sounds so convincing that he wants me back and that he loves me and that he will try harder. I want him so much. I don't want to break up. But I also can't keep doing what I've been doing.

I've read some stories on here that it doesn't get better until the BS leaves, and that's a wake up call for the WS.

I just don't know what to do.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
IWantDoOver
39440
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go back and read ALL of your SI posts that are available to you.

Evaluate -- literally score a mark on paper -- your relationship.

GOOD (the is the relationship that I want! This is a relationship that makes me happy, makes him happy, and that I'm happy sharing with friends and family)

BAD (I'm crying. One of us is apologizing; one of us MUST change in order for the other to be content.)

Then come back and report the results.

((((Lonelygirl10))))

I'm so sorry for your loss. It hurts! We'll help you through the pain...


Peace

Posts: 221 | Registered: Jun 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that I was pestering him, and he just wanted to be left alone.

As a WS with a similar DDay, I cannot imagine saying this to BH, or refusing to return texts, etc. (ETA: not if I was committed to R!)

Do you really love him, or are you mostly afraid of being alone?

I just don't know what to do.

Yes you do.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 9:38 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of my posts are bad. I post when I'm feeling alone and need support, and I don't post when things are going good. There are good moments where he gets my pain and he's there for me. And there are good moments where we laugh and have fun.

I saw that he made a post today on the wayward forum, and it sounds promising. He sounds like he's trying. But he's sounded that way in the past. There was one time that he cried for hours and begged me on his knees for another chance. I believed him, and then he slept with OW after that. So how do you tell when they mean it or when they are saying things out of fear of losing you?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
JKL Vikings
♂ 32094
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lonelygirl. I hope that you two can make it. First of all, it sems like your husband is trying to have a back-up plan, or a fallback option. This is a great idea in business. In relationships, of course, it doesn't work that way.
Second, whether your leaving will be a wake-up call? IMO, that's case-by case.
Your H does need to give you space. Nothing is gained when you're right up against somebody who doesn't want to be bothered with you.
I'm going to take a step against the conventional wisdom that says not to listen to WORDS.I believe you listen to his words and then see if his ACTIONS are in line with those words. Example:Now he says he wants to go to counseling. You'll be able to tell by how he acts in counseling if he's legitimately invested, or going through the motions so you'll "shut up and leave it alone" I wish you the bast. Holler or PM anytime
JKL


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 532 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended the relationship with WS last night.

Endings hurt. SI is great with support, but I think you'll get more honest support if you mentioned that you're neither married nor engaged. Isn't "changedlife" your cheating boyfriend?

I read his recent posts. He doesn't mention the breakup/need for space once.

((((Lonelygirl10)))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG..I have noticed it seems your WH has made recovery mostly about him. Now,of course a WS needs to recover too...but the very beginning of R needs to be about you..if you need to talk..he talks. If you have questions..he answers...you express your needs..and he works his ass off to meet them..all of this within reason..of course. A WS is allowed to have feelings..but it seems as if anytime you trigger..or get upset..or bring up his cheating..it's suddenly all about him..how it makes him feel..how he feels attacked because you called him a liar..etc etc...it just seems he is more into feeling sorry for himself than he is in helping R this relationship. He has you running circles around him,trying not to upset him,worried about how he will take it if you do speak up,etc. He should be moving mountains to help you..not tell you you're pestering him and to leave him alone.

Does he seem to only post when he feels you are leaning towards ending things? Or does he post when things are "ok" and he is looking for help/advice?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you'll get more honest support if you mentioned that you're neither married nor engaged. Isn't "changedlife" your cheating boyfriend?

It's in my signature that we are boyfriend/girlfriend. And yes, changedlife is my WS.

Do you really love him, or are you mostly afraid of being alone?

Honestly, both. We were so compatible in every way, and I was planning a future with him. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. And then the A happened, and it got hard. I think I've been somewhat co-dependent on him since Dday though. I know that I could easily find another man to date if I wanted to, so it's not fear of being alone. It's more fear of losing what I thought I had with him, and losing the possibility of getting back to where I was with him before Dday. It was the happiest I had ever been.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he seem to only post when he feels you are leaning towards ending things? Or does he post when things are "ok" and he is looking for help/advice?

He only posts when I'm thinking about leaving him.

It feels like every time I get ready to walk away, he makes all these promises. I believe him, and it's good for a few weeks. He'll be more supportive and understanding, and he'll try harder. And then he gets comfortable, and he goes back to being distant and cold. It's a cycle. The only way I see to end the cycle is to walk away from it. I can't control him. I can only control myself. But at the same time, I don't want to leave him. I want to be with him, and I want him to want me all the time instead of just when he thinks he's going to lose me.

I also think he works harder when he thinks he's going to lose me, and then he starts feeling overwhelmed and depressed, and his feelings take over. I know he has feelings too. I just don't know how to deal with his feelings in a healthy way.

Have any of you been in this cycle? How did you break out of it?

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 11:04 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was my impression. That he only posts when he thinks it reels you back in.

My WH did the same thing. He would post when we argued and he was trying to "make nice." but then disappear from SI for weeks..until we argued again.

It was manipulative. It got my hopes up..that he was finally getting it...and then after he and I made up,he'd stay away from SI..and the other areas in which he had stared to improve,fell by the wayside.

How did I stop that?

I suffered for 3 years..very long years. A few months ago I told him I was done. DONE. And I stepped back from trying to R. I was here..I was polite..I was respectful..but done. My own 180,I suppose.

I guess WH realized I was serious..and has been a changed man ever since. He's still not posting..but Im ok with that. He is doing everything else I've asked him to do..and more.


If he can't afford IC,then he should at least speak to his doctor about AD's. If he is so depressed that his feeling are more important than healing himself,and this relationship, in a healthy way,then he needs to get some help.


[This message edited by confused615 at 11:22 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks confused.

He admitted that he needed antidepressants the last time we were in this place, and he's been on them for about a month now I guess. I thought I noticed a change in him at first, but then it got bad again.

He has scheduled an appointment with a couple from a church that does counseling. The H had an affair, and now they try to help other couples. It's free. That's set for next Friday. I don't know whether to go and see how it goes, or just to give up now. I feel like I keep trying and trying, and I'm just tired. I don't want to spend 2 or 3 years of my life trying to make a relationship work, and it just not be possible.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
outtanowhere
♀ 39001
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spot on Confused and Lonelygirl I'm proud of you for being honest with yourself! I sent you a pm


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 800 | Registered: Apr 2013
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I keep trying and trying, and I'm just tired.

He said that he felt like nothing he does is ever good enough for me. And then he said that he was done trying, that he wanted to break up. He said that it was too hard.

Sounds like you've both reached the same conclusion at the same time.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im a little jaded( no kidding ) but the "couple from church" may have R'd..but you have no idea HOW they did it.

I would call the BW, before committing to the appointment, and ask her some questions before sitting down with them and your WH.

Rugsweeping is very common.


"Men will be men" is very
common.

"Stop concentrating on the past,look to the future" is very common.

"You have to put this behind you, and don't ask him anything " is very common.

"Just take a leap of faith a trust him..no need to verify" is very common.

Unfortunately.

You need to make sure they R'd the right way...the healthy way...before sitting down with them. One of the reasons I was weary about MC was because I knew if the MC was a rugsweeper,WH would latch on to that and never let go. And if I had complained and said I didn't agree with the approach,he would have told me I just wanted to go to someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear. Yes..and no. Yes..I want to go to someone who will tell me what I want to hear...but only because I have been here on SI for a while now..I *know* the right way..and the wrong way to R. Rugsweeping=wrong. You want a couple who has walked *through* this together..not put it in the past and are pretending it didn't happen.

Ya know?

I don't know. They could be fantasitic for you. But I really think it would be best to call and ask the BW some questions first. Basically, just because they R'd doesn't mean they are qualified to counsel you.

It took my WH THREE years to get it..I am exhausted. I can tell you this..if you..the BS are so tired this soon after dday..it's because your WS isn't doing enough to make you feel safe and secure..or more to the point..they are not working hard enough on themselves to become a safe partner for you. You..the BS.. shouldn't be trying so hard to make the WS do what they *should be* doing..if they really want to R. If you have to hold their hand every step of the way..they're just complying.

Compliance does not equal remorse.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:09 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mysticpenguin
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so fixing himself and the relationship that HE fucked up is too hard?? What happens if and when you try to make partner at your firm and are working 80+ hours a week? What happens when one of your family members dies and you are depressed? What happens when a baby and its associated lack of sleep enters the picture? What about if he goes to grad school?

Relationships are hard work. Marriage is even harder work. He's not up to the task LG.

You are less loving after dday and that hurts his feelings? He needs to grow up, man up and DEAL. he says and does the right things sometimes. Maybe even half the time. But at this point it should be ALL the time. And of course you're not as loving as you used to be. He betrayed you. He is a traitor, liar and Chester. And he is very manipulative. It is evident in his posts and the things you have told us.

Why are you so desperately trying to keep him in your life? You are an intelligent, compassionate, loving and loyal person. You deserve a partner who has empathy, respect, and loyalty to and for you.

You rush to defend him when we criticize him. Is it partly because he's reading and you want to keep this relationship alive? Don't answer. If you need a place to express how you really feel, PM me.

If you take one thing from my post, let it be this: it is past time for you to be putt

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 5:50 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
mysticpenguin
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummmm sorry that emoticon isn't supposed to be there!

*putting yourself ahead of the survival of the relationship / his approval / his love. You must be first in your own heart and mind.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I've been somewhat co-dependent on him since Dday though. ...(I)t's not fear of being alone.

I think the fact that you set limits and then back off indicates some serious co-dependency - that's an observation, not a criticism.

It's more fear of losing what I thought I had with him, and losing the possibility of getting back to where I was with him before Dday.

I think we all do this sort of wishful thinking at some time, but look at what this actually says: it never was what you (and I at one point) thought it was, and you (and I at one point) want to go back to when the A is in the future.

Again, when you set limits, he commits to changing the thoughts and feelings that allowed him to cheat. When you back off, he goes back to doing his own thing.

That says '180' to me, and the 180 is a way out of co-d. Go for it, Lg10. Go for it.

(((Lg10)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Simple
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This:

If you..the BS are so tired this soon after dday..it's because your WS isn't doing enough to make you feel safe and secure..or more to the point..they are not working hard enough on themselves to become a safe partner for you. You..the BS.. shouldn't be trying so hard to make the WS do what they *should be* doing..if they really want to R. If you have to hold their hand every step of the way..they're just complying.

Is spot on. 5 year R here and no way will my FWH (though he slipped in the beginning every now and then) be allowed to only think about himself. Your WBF still sounds like he's focusing too much on himself when YOU need him. Early beginnings of R is about the betrayed partner, not the wayward. The wayward has a lot of soul searching to do and explain to you that he is doing this and what he is doing.

I just don't know what to do.
Yes you do
someone said, and they are right. You do know what to do.

It's more fear of losing what I thought I had with him, and losing the possibility of getting back to where I was with him before Dday.

The relationship you have before DDay is GONE. IT WILL NEVER go back to that. EVER. In my 5 year R, I never wanted it back to the way it was looking back now. Though the lost innocence is gone and will never get that again. That is one of the costs of A.

Are you holding on to a fantasy? Are you accepting him for what he is? Can you handle another A?

The last question is very important, if another A happened in this relationship, can you handle it, or will you just die and wilt? If you don't think you can handle another one, then that tells you this is not possible. You can forgive him but it doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

I hope that helps. These are just my opinion.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.manipulative-people.com/contrition-revisited/

http://www.manipulative-people.com/repentance-and-forgiveness/

http://www.manipulative-people.com/contrition-behavior-and-therapy/


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10153 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

naturegirl is spot on.

Look I hope changedlife reads my post..

Look deep at your relationship when it is bad.
How you spring back from those bad moments are just as important as all the good ones.
He is quiet selfish all about him? Right?? Hmmm?
Point made!

I have a spouse like that and he knows better... There is no "I" in a relationship!!!
It is "WE".. Changedlife needs to get that.
He needs to tell you everything every cold hearted thing he has done and with who all that you need to know... He needs to show you as much proof as he can. Hotel charges text messages or have him give you the phone numbers to the women...Get it out in the open...Then lets see how much of a man he is!
Then only then can you start building for the "WE" in the relationship..
Oh and no excuses for not enough money for a therapist I call on that too! He needs to dough out the $$$ and get one for himself!
Ok I am off my soapbox


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

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