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Heart broken but still in love

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Crushedheart88 posted 9/11/2013 09:24 AM

I just found out that my fiancé of one almost year, ( together for almost four) has been cheating on me for the last almost two years of our relationship. He basically was living a double life. What started out as just supposed to be sex got real serious. He met this persons family and developed real feelings for her. He told me he was in love with me as well and always loved me more than her. He said he wanted to get out of it but she made it very hard. She would do things for him like buy him clothes and give him money so he said he took advantage of that. He said he knew he was done because his conscious started to eat at him. He felt bad about what he was doing. He also told me that even though he was playing her karma bit him in the butt and the she too was playing him. She had other guys she was seeing as well. What hurt me the most was the fact that it went on for as along as it did and also he was having unprotected sex with this person and trying to get her pregnant. But even after all of that I still love him with all my heart. He said it was a mistake. He wants to work things and he said he is willing to do what ever it takes to make it right. So I told him the only way I want to work things out is by going to therapy. I said if he's not willing to do this then there is no way we can work anything out. I moved out I no longer live there but most days I want to move back so bad because I miss him and can't be without him. I sincerely believe that he wants to change and will change. How soon is too soon for me to move back in.

Signed crushedheart88

movingforward777 posted 9/11/2013 09:36 AM

Welcome to SI, the place no one wants to be, but are very glad they found....
I'm sorry that he deceived you for almost 2's amazing what they can do to hide the fact that they are involved with someone else...
Karma has a way of catching up to people, and the fact that she was "cheating" on him will give him some understanding of what you are going through...
Have the two of you talked about counselling? Couples counselling and individual will help....
Right now you need to look after, sleep, stay away from alcohol, and find someone you can trust to talk to...
Friends and family will take sides...they love us and only want to help, but it is hard to hear some of the things they will say...(ex- "I always knew he was a loser")
It's hard to forgive and move forward, but it can be done if BOTH of you work on the relationship...honesty, full disclosure, and supporting each other is the way to go....
Come to SI often, read lots (the Healing Library has some great wisdom), post your feelings/battles, and know that the advice, love and support given here comes from people that have either been there, or are right there with you...

Andthencraigslis posted 9/11/2013 09:42 AM

Sweetheart, RUN. Look at the stories here, read the pain of all of us struggling through recovery. It is painful, awful and you don't have to do it. This man of yours cheated in what was supposed to be the "la la in love" phase of your relationship? HE will do it again. and even if he doesn't you are talking years of painful recovery and hurt if you stay. What for? He is no prize, and you deserve a real man. The kind that is capable of love,honor and respecting you. No marriage, no kids, no long history together? I would run so fast I would break land speed records.

anewday78 posted 9/11/2013 09:44 AM

First, I'm sorry for your troubles. Now, how is having unprotected sex with somebody while you're engaged to somebody else a "mistake." It wasn't a mistake - it was a CONSCIOUS CHOICE. He CHOSE to CONTINUE to sleep with this woman, going so far as to say it was because she provided him with money and clothes. He CHOSE to carry on an illicit affair, knowing full well it would hurt you, just for money and clothes? He jeopardized a future with you over money and clothes? How is that a MISTAKE?

How could he look you in the face and tell you it was a "mistake" that he was "TRYING" to get her pregnant? "Mistake" and "Trying" do not fit in the same sentence together - at least not in this scenario.

You're in a much better position than most of the victims of infidelity that post here - you are not married (yet) and you have no children with this creep (thank God). I would reconsider your engagement and if you continue to be physically intimate with him, make sure he wears protection - the last thing you need is an STD - or his child.

anewday78 posted 9/11/2013 09:45 AM

He also told me that even though he was playing her karma bit him...

It sure did - he was caught. And now he's playing you with this bullshit excuse.

anewday78 posted 9/11/2013 09:50 AM

This is good...

I told him the only way I want to work things out is by going to therapy.

...but this kind of codependency indicates that you may need some therapy of your own:
I want to move back so bad because I miss him and can't be without him...How soon is too soon for me to move back in.

sailorgirl posted 9/11/2013 09:56 AM

So I told him the only way I want to work things out is by going to therapy.

He does need therapy. He was trying to get her pregnant?? Imagine if you were married and had your own kids to support, and then he got an OW pregnant. He would have to support that child, which would take resources and security away from your children forever.

He was trading sex for clothes and money? That's basically prostitution and seriously messed up.

I miss him and can't be without him

I highly suggest individual therapy for you, too. Please don't go back to him because you can't be without him. Read about codependency. You need to be confident that you could be happy and fulfilled without out him before you can make a good decision about this.

Be aware that some people, because of personality disorders, actually are not capable of change. Your boyfriend's therapist would eventually be able to tell you if that's him.

1Faith posted 9/11/2013 10:03 AM

I miss him and can't be without him

Gently, yes you can. And IMO, you should for awhile.

2 years isn't a mistake. It is a calculated decision to continue to lie, cheat and deceive everyone, including himself.

Please get into IC. You aren't married yet. You speak of Karma.

Maybe this is the Karma bus stopping at your house saying "get on board" and "don't look back"

He was engaged to you but trying to get her pregnant?
And he's sad because she was playing him too. Lightening bolt, his lying, cheating AP was lying and cheating. Go figure.

Think long and hard about moving back in with him or marrying him. Without some heavy IC for you both the likelihood that he will repeat this behavior is high.

Sorry, but this may be a blessing in disguise that you found out now before you married and had kids with him.

Love yourself more. You deserve better.

Hugs and prayers.

Secrets Kept posted 9/11/2013 10:24 AM

I am so sorry for you but agree with now. You aren't even married, have been engaged for a year, but his affair was going on for 2 years. Which means he was hot & heavy with OW when he proposed to you. Hmmm...doesn't seem to me he understands much about marriage or even serious commitment, yet. I also understand how hard it is when you love them though. Every time I felt the pull back...I dig up & listen to Party Smythe's old song..."Sometimes love just ain't enough" & it helps put me back in perspective of why I left & helps me stick to my to speak.
My question did this all come out & are you sure it has even ended since it doesn't sound like you have done the NC or 180 stuff yet??? I would definitely start that, take your time before going back & see how serious he really is first.
SI is a great place to be & so much support.

TrustGone posted 9/11/2013 10:45 AM

I know you love this guy, but how could you ever think about marrying him. He was lying and cheating when he proposed to you. Did he confess the affair or did you find out on your own. If he did confess, then maybe you might have a chance. If he didn't confess then I would say walk away from this relationship. He is not mature enough to have a marriage or real relationship.

You can't quit loving someone overnight. You will hurt for awhile. You will miss him. But you will see that you deserve better than this in a husband the more you detach yourself from him. If he really wants a relationship with you, it's his actions that count, not his words. Words mean nothing at this point. If you go running back to him before he does the work on himself that he needs to do, you are just telling him it's Ok that he cheats. BTDT.
When someone shows you who they reall are...Believe them!!!.

mandan66 posted 9/11/2013 11:04 AM

I'm also with ((Craigslist))): RUN GIRL, RUN! You can do much better than some dude cheating within the first couple of years of your relationship. You got lucky--you found out before kids or a mortgage was involved. Step away from this situation, work on youself to figure out what you really need and deserve in your life going forward. Oh its hard a first, no doubt, but once you do get started on a better path, you will find a better man than this one. Guaranteed.

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