At any rate, I told him about 3 months prior to moving out that I was planning to do so when the lease was up on our house. I guess he didn't believe me. I gave him a notice when I put a 45 day notice on the house that we were moving. He did nothing and just said that he would be living in his car. He didn't do anything to try to figure out what he would do. We have been married for 15 years. I feel that he thought that i would feel sorry enough for him to tell him to live with us. I didn't do that.
He said to my son, " I wouldn't allow my worse enemy to live outside the way that your mom is doing to me. She doesn't care anything about me."
I was under the impression that he had a place to go because I got clean linens for him and towels in the event that he was living in his car. He took none of it. He took his clothes and his play station. That was it. I offered him rent and security deposit for a place...he said that he wanted nothing from me. I told him that he could have half of the furniture and a bed. He said he didn't want it. I didn't fight it.
Well, within the last 6 weeks that we have been separated, according to him, he has been living in his car for a week and a hotel for a week...trading off. He makes enough money to pay for the hotel for the entire month and to pay his car note with money left over for food. He got a $5 raise at work. But he quit his part time job and kept the full time because of the raise.
Since this time, as of yesterday, his car got repossessed. His car is in my name. He is out of the hotel as of today with no place to go. My son said to me, "you should help him. You wouldn't do that to your worse enemy." What do I do? Tell him to stay, but I want his entire check? Which I would use to help him find a place to live within two weeks?
I don't know what to do. I moved out because I don't want the marriage anymore.
Things don't add up with what he says. Why quit your PT Job if you need a place to live and behind on your car note? When I asked this question, he said the PT was through a temp service and ended. BUT that ISN"T what he said to me a few weeks ago. He said he QUIT. I don't know what to think.
[This message edited by overcoming2003 at 10:15 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
So let him.
He's wanting you to enable him. Don't do it.
He is a train wreck. Get out of the way.
Your son needs to learn that you are not a doormat. He needs to see that even grown-ups get consequences.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
" I wouldn't allow my worse enemy to live outside the way that your mom is doing to me. She doesn't care anything about me."
So there's that.
Strength, overcoming. ((((hugs))))
AND that grown men need to be responsible adults and not look to their wife as their mommy.
Everyone is right. You cannot save this man. Get out of the way, or he will take you down into the gutter right along with him.
When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE him. OC born 2001 DDay 2002 Divorced 2003 Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
In regards to your son, are you comfortable being transparent regarding his dads choices? If you are, you could say that you sympathize for what his father is going through but that he is an adult and he made the choices that lead him to where he is right now. It is not anyones job to rescue him. You definitely don't want your son growing up with that mentality.
Continue to move forward with your life. Focus on what YOU have to do and not how you "need" to help him. It is time for your stbx to grow up and deal with life.
He makes enough money to pay for the hotel for the entire month and to pay his car note with money left over for food.
So then where is the money going? For fun? dates? what?
It is not your problem - he is opting to spend his money elsewhere. Plus he had an opportunity to get further ahead between that raise and a PT job. But NOOOPE, he quit the PT job. You have no responsibility to pick up the slack while he opts not to make the best of his situation.
Wouldn't it be nice to do that....just spend it like you want on fun stuff versus necessities?
Do not enable him. It will not end if you do. You will not be helping him - it will just take him longer to 'get with it' if he has a choice.
I know we try to keep our kids out of it. I know I have taken the blame for things I didnt do rather than trash their father. However, I see no reason not to tell your child his father has enough money to live on and is just making the decision not to.
I am sorry he is playing the sympathy card - it is a ploy.
Sounds like you have made a good choice to get away from him. You need to get papers filed to protect your credit from any further damage. Get with a lawyer asap. In my state, joint responsibility stops on the date of filing. Anything opened after that is yours, anything before that is joint going back to the date of marriage. Protect yourself.
We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.
Co-dependency goes hand-in-hand with passive/aggressiveness. There is a great thread in the I Can Relate forum on passive/aggressive behavior, you should definitely read through.
And what all the others have said on this thread is spot on.
Do. Not. Help. Him.
You are teaching your son that you are not a doormat, and that his father needs to grow up and stop expecting others to fix HIS MESSES.
Separated, divorcing, moving on. I edit because I always make typos.
I have a very good friend who has been divorced for years. No infidelity but her ex was abusive and had untreated mental issues. For all these years, he has chosen not to have a steady job. He also has blamed her for the crappy apartments he's had to rent or for his lack of a vehicle when it breaks down. He asks financial favors of her all the time and has even stayed in her mothers guest house, rent free on occasion.
The children are teenagers now and have listened to him blame their mother for years, despite the fact that she has helped him much more than he deserves. It all exploded last year when one of the kids screamed at her mother when she refused to give him a ride somewhere that she doesn't help their father enough.
When she came to me to talk, she was very upset. I told her that the kids need to know that their father has been an able bodied person for years. For whatever reasons, he has chosen to take low paying jobs and to lapse in all of his financial responsibilities, including those owed to his own children.
She was afraid to be honest because the kids adore their dad, but it really struck home when I asked if she wanted her daughters to grow into enablers and to accept this behavior from their future boyfriends and husbands. The longer this goes on, the more the kidssure that they can be responsible for another persons happiness. The longer it goes on, the more co dependent they will be.
I told her not to bash their father, but to talk to them and emphasize that he is a goodbeing because he loves them. At the same time, being a good parent also means making sacrifices and supporting your kids financially. He hasn't done that and they need to see that it's not anyone else's job to fix him.
Your DS needs to see that as well and he needs to recognize that you didn't put his father in that place. That is all on him.
I don't know how old your son is, but I do believe that he needs an age appropriate conversation as to what is going on. He is worried about his Dad and that is too much for him to shoulder.
Divorced!
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
I don't think he needs someone to swoop in and save him from himself. You may save him today, but it's just another opportunity for him to self-destruct later. *Maybe* facing the consequences of his own actions will motivate him to do better and be better. But that isn't for you to concern yourself over. You still have to clean the mess that he has already created for you and your son. That should be priority #1.
And like LisaP said, separate yourself from him financially ASAP!!
BUt I do set the record straight when I am put on the defense.
[This message edited by momentintime at 7:23 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
