"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

overcoming2003 posted 9/11/2013 10:13 AM

We have been separated since July 31st. We are still married, and I haven't filed yet, but plan to. What led to separation was cheating (happened in 2003), which I forgave but the behavior continued that led me to believe that there could be other times. He looses a lot of jobs and I am in financial ruin right now because of him. While there were two parents in the house, I function as a single parent with a very demanding job. On top of all of that he was arrested and now has a felony on his record for Larson. Even the week that I moved out, I still found pictures of other women in his phone.

At any rate, I told him about 3 months prior to moving out that I was planning to do so when the lease was up on our house. I guess he didn't believe me. I gave him a notice when I put a 45 day notice on the house that we were moving. He did nothing and just said that he would be living in his car. He didn't do anything to try to figure out what he would do. We have been married for 15 years. I feel that he thought that i would feel sorry enough for him to tell him to live with us. I didn't do that.

He said to my son, " I wouldn't allow my worse enemy to live outside the way that your mom is doing to me. She doesn't care anything about me."

I was under the impression that he had a place to go because I got clean linens for him and towels in the event that he was living in his car. He took none of it. He took his clothes and his play station. That was it. I offered him rent and security deposit for a place...he said that he wanted nothing from me. I told him that he could have half of the furniture and a bed. He said he didn't want it. I didn't fight it.

Well, within the last 6 weeks that we have been separated, according to him, he has been living in his car for a week and a hotel for a week...trading off. He makes enough money to pay for the hotel for the entire month and to pay his car note with money left over for food. He got a $5 raise at work. But he quit his part time job and kept the full time because of the raise.

Since this time, as of yesterday, his car got repossessed. His car is in my name. He is out of the hotel as of today with no place to go. My son said to me, "you should help him. You wouldn't do that to your worse enemy." What do I do? Tell him to stay, but I want his entire check? Which I would use to help him find a place to live within two weeks?

I don't know what to do. I moved out because I don't want the marriage anymore.

Things don't add up with what he says. Why quit your PT Job if you need a place to live and behind on your car note? When I asked this question, he said the PT was through a temp service and ended. BUT that ISN"T what he said to me a few weeks ago. He said he QUIT. I don't know what to think.

[This message edited by overcoming2003 at 10:15 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 9/11/2013 10:25 AM

You are being maneuvered and hoovered. Your husband is a grown-ass adult. I'm going to assume he is not brain-damaged or mentally retarded. He is capable of figuring out and handling his issues.

So let him.

He's wanting you to enable him. Don't do it.

He is a train wreck. Get out of the way.

Your son needs to learn that you are not a doormat. He needs to see that even grown-ups get consequences.

nowiknow23 posted 9/11/2013 10:40 AM

Ditto to NG. Also? Your son needs to see that we are all responsible for caring for ourselves. Your husband is capable of that. He's just not willing.

nowiknow23 posted 9/11/2013 10:51 AM

Had to come back to add...

" I wouldn't allow my worse enemy to live outside the way that your mom is doing to me. She doesn't care anything about me."

And you wouldn't allow your worst enemy to be cheated on, lied to, financially ruined, and treated abhorrently by someone claiming to care about them.

So there's that.

Strength, overcoming. ((((hugs))))

sadtoo posted 9/11/2013 10:58 AM

Your son needs to learn that you are not a doormat. He needs to see that even grown-ups get consequences.

AND that grown men need to be responsible adults and not look to their wife as their mommy.

Everyone is right. You cannot save this man. Get out of the way, or he will take you down into the gutter right along with him.

dmari posted 9/11/2013 10:59 AM

No! Stop! Let his actions meet the consequences. He is a grown man but is dependent on you. Have you read books on co-dependency?

In regards to your son, are you comfortable being transparent regarding his dads choices? If you are, you could say that you sympathize for what his father is going through but that he is an adult and he made the choices that lead him to where he is right now. It is not anyones job to rescue him. You definitely don't want your son growing up with that mentality.

Continue to move forward with your life. Focus on what YOU have to do and not how you "need" to help him. It is time for your stbx to grow up and deal with life.

EvenKeel posted 9/11/2013 10:59 AM

He makes enough money to pay for the hotel for the entire month and to pay his car note with money left over for food.

So then where is the money going? For fun? dates? what?

It is not your problem - he is opting to spend his money elsewhere. Plus he had an opportunity to get further ahead between that raise and a PT job. But NOOOPE, he quit the PT job. You have no responsibility to pick up the slack while he opts not to make the best of his situation.

Wouldn't it be nice to do that....just spend it like you want on fun stuff versus necessities?

Do not enable him. It will not end if you do. You will not be helping him - it will just take him longer to 'get with it' if he has a choice.

I know we try to keep our kids out of it. I know I have taken the blame for things I didnt do rather than trash their father. However, I see no reason not to tell your child his father has enough money to live on and is just making the decision not to.

I am sorry he is playing the sympathy card - it is a ploy.

standingonmarble posted 9/11/2013 11:01 AM

Sounds like his playing the victim card for all its worth. Kids buy into it easily, so you will have to teach your son to think about the reality of the situation against the spin his father is putting on it. This is all about the choices his dad is making/has made and what happens when you can't stand on your own. Do you have other male role models to compare with?

Sounds like you have made a good choice to get away from him. You need to get papers filed to protect your credit from any further damage. Get with a lawyer asap. In my state, joint responsibility stops on the date of filing. Anything opened after that is yours, anything before that is joint going back to the date of marriage. Protect yourself.

heartbroken_kk posted 9/11/2013 11:31 AM

your WH is showing severe signs of being passive/aggressive and in the middle of a self-sabotage episode

Co-dependency goes hand-in-hand with passive/aggressiveness. There is a great thread in the I Can Relate forum on passive/aggressive behavior, you should definitely read through.

And what all the others have said on this thread is spot on.

Do. Not. Help. Him.

You are teaching your son that you are not a doormat, and that his father needs to grow up and stop expecting others to fix HIS MESSES.

suckstobeme posted 9/11/2013 11:39 AM

I second what everyone has said. You especially don't want your children to grow up as KISAs and to have the mentality that they need to enable or save others, despite the choices that led them there.

I have a very good friend who has been divorced for years. No infidelity but her ex was abusive and had untreated mental issues. For all these years, he has chosen not to have a steady job. He also has blamed her for the crappy apartments he's had to rent or for his lack of a vehicle when it breaks down. He asks financial favors of her all the time and has even stayed in her mothers guest house, rent free on occasion.

The children are teenagers now and have listened to him blame their mother for years, despite the fact that she has helped him much more than he deserves. It all exploded last year when one of the kids screamed at her mother when she refused to give him a ride somewhere that she doesn't help their father enough.

When she came to me to talk, she was very upset. I told her that the kids need to know that their father has been an able bodied person for years. For whatever reasons, he has chosen to take low paying jobs and to lapse in all of his financial responsibilities, including those owed to his own children.

She was afraid to be honest because the kids adore their dad, but it really struck home when I asked if she wanted her daughters to grow into enablers and to accept this behavior from their future boyfriends and husbands. The longer this goes on, the more the kidssure that they can be responsible for another persons happiness. The longer it goes on, the more co dependent they will be.

I told her not to bash their father, but to talk to them and emphasize that he is a goodbeing because he loves them. At the same time, being a good parent also means making sacrifices and supporting your kids financially. He hasn't done that and they need to see that it's not anyone else's job to fix him.

Your DS needs to see that as well and he needs to recognize that you didn't put his father in that place. That is all on him.

LisaP posted 9/11/2013 12:10 PM

The only thing I would do right now is file! You need to separate yourself financially from him and protect you and your son.

I don't know how old your son is, but I do believe that he needs an age appropriate conversation as to what is going on. He is worried about his Dad and that is too much for him to shoulder.

Housefulloflove posted 9/11/2013 12:43 PM

What he needs, you can't give him. He needs to grow up. He needs to fix a whole heluva lot of personal problems that leads him to make such self-destructive decisions.

I don't think he needs someone to swoop in and save him from himself. You may save him today, but it's just another opportunity for him to self-destruct later. *Maybe* facing the consequences of his own actions will motivate him to do better and be better. But that isn't for you to concern yourself over. You still have to clean the mess that he has already created for you and your son. That should be priority #1.

And like LisaP said, separate yourself from him financially ASAP!!

overcoming2003 posted 9/11/2013 15:18 PM

Thank you for your responses. THis is great advice. Yes, I am transparent with my 10 YO DS. I have conversations with him, but I don't intentionally bad mouth his father.

BUt I do set the record straight when I am put on the defense.

Nature_Girl posted 9/11/2013 15:49 PM

As a recovering co-dependent, I'm sometimes torn between saying ANYTHING whatsoever about my children's father and feeling like I'm bad-mouthing him (even though I'm not) versus telling my kids age-appropriate information. My nature has me feeling unwilling to say a single doggone thing about their dad because it feels like bad-mouthing, even though logically I know I'm NOT bad-mouthing. I know I absolutely must teach my kids about personal responsibility and how to behave in a relationship. I cannot help that their father is occasionally the object in the lesson ("I'm sorry, Honey, I don't know why Daddy chose to _______. But that was his decision, I did not make him choose to _______. Let's make our own decision now about what WE are going to do, okay?").

momentintime posted 9/11/2013 19:22 PM

Son, your Dad has a job, he earns a salary and he knows what it should take to get on in this world. That he chooses to drift and not step up to meet his needs is something he has to work out for himself. I can't come to the rescue because then he would never learn how to take care of himself. I am sorry that this is painful to watch but until he hits bottom and wants more for himself, then he needs to take the steps for himself to have a better life. We can't do it for him.

[This message edited by momentintime at 7:23 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

overcoming2003 posted 9/11/2013 21:50 PM

Again, very useful stuff!!! Thank you all.