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? About Trust, Digging, Snooping (piggy back off other post)

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duststorm posted 9/11/2013 13:24 PM

I didn't want to high jack the post about snooping too much, but there were a lot of good responses there so I wanted to ask some questions.

At what point do you stop digging? At what point does it become detrimental to us (the BS)? At what point does the constant bringing it up keep it alive in the house?

I've seen enough, talked it out daily, cried daily, etc. I worry that I'm obsessed with trying to catch WH doing something else. Yes, his A was w COW, and OW still works there. I am insecure about it. He has told lies since DD and has been confronted. The lies are not anything big, they hurt because lies are lies, but he hasn't been with OW outside of work. WH says I think about her more than he does. I don't want her in our lives constantly. I want to R, but I worry I'm keeping something alive that is dead. I'm not foolish, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to do more damage.

What has been everyone's experience?

Simple posted 9/11/2013 13:41 PM

It takes time. If it was me, I would tell your H to move jobs. In my experience, we moved out of the area, sold the car, got rid of stuff, etc. I stopped digging and snooping when I've realized:

1. His actions for a good length of time has demonstrated that he is remorseful.
2. I've gained somewhat my confidence in myself and realized my happiness is in my hands not his.
3. I've realized, there's nothing I can do to stop FWH from doing it again. I will not trust him blindly ever again but I do know how to respect myself and what to do if it happens again.

I hope this helped you.

1Faith posted 9/11/2013 13:49 PM

It is really hard not to obsess. Infidelity takes such a toll on your mind, body and soul.

It will be especially hard for you if they are still working together. It is a constant reminder that they are seeing each other, talking etc. Would he consider switching jobs?

Is the OW also married?

Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some time to process it all. It is still early on for you.

On average it takes 2- 5 years to heal from this. TIME IS THE UGLY FOUR LETTER WORD.

don't get me wrong, but I don't want to do more damage

Right now, you need to do whatever it is that will help you heal. If that is talking about it, then so be it. If that is looking at his phone, so be it. If that is looking at his email, so be it. You need to do these things to feel safe and we all understand.

You are hurt and scared (understandably so), your guard is up because this completely knocked the wind out of your sails. It is normal.

Please go to the healing library at the left hand corner and read, read, read.

Have you or your husband considered IC?

True R can't really begin until you start to feel safe. Your WH actions will be way more important than his words.

Good luck. Post often. We are all here rooting for you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/11/2013 14:31 PM

Duststorm, I just read your first post when you joined only a couple weeks ago. I'm completely and utterly appalled at the horrific treatment you've suffered at the hands of your husband.

Claiming his OWN son was a liar when your son told you daddy had been kissing another lady, verbally abusuing you in the HOSPITAL when you were taken there due to high blood pressure issues and causing you even more pain and stress, moving OUT on you when you needed him the most as you are considered a 'high risk' pregnancy, and the list goes on and on.

If you're choosing to reconcile with this man, bless you, you're a saint. But considering the fact that your D-Day was so recent - AND you caught him in several lies trying to meet up with the OW in a hotel after D-Day, I think it would be extremely foolhardy to believe one single thing out of his mouth. He's clearly proven to be an abusive liar who has absolutely no guilt or shame for his behavior at all - no matter how devastated you are.

The truth is, he's verbally and emotionally abusive towards you (and God knows what else) and has absolutely no qualms about frightening you or crushing you emotionally and watching you bleed on the floor while he picks his fingernails. He has no reservations at all about deserting his emotionally distraught, devastated and shattered wife whose health is suffereing severely and leaving her all on her own to suffer alone. That's unforgiveable.

I think your problems go so much deeper than his cheating and the sad truth is that you can't believe one word out of his mouth anymore anyway.

I applaud you for telling the OW's betrayed husband - even though you took yet ANOTHER verbal beating from your husband for doing so. In fact, I believe your post said that his OW called him at home just to tell him that you'd told her husband about their affair, so you got TWO verbal beat-downs - one from her and one from your husband. Un-friggen-real.

I think your husband is in dire need of deep, long term therapy to find out why he lacks any empathy towards those he supposedly loves. I truly mean this with all seriousness. My Number ONE requirement for allowing him to stay in my life if I were in your shoes would be a very heavy schedule of therapy that he'd have to attend or I'd be at the lawyer's office the next morning.

Frankly, a man like this scares me.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 2:39 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

StruckNumb posted 9/11/2013 14:45 PM

Do you know why you still love this man?

duststorm posted 9/11/2013 15:00 PM

Thanks for keeping up with me and my story. You are unfortunately EXACTLY right and hit all points directly on the head. All of that happened just in July-start of Aug. It is disgusting. It disgusted me to re-read my own story, but I appreciate your response.

We've talked and talked. He tried MC twice. Yes, only twice. We were supposed to attend last night via internet (I can't leave house due to high risk preg) and he refused. I am in IC. I believe the world would be a much better place if we ALL attended therapy. I can't make him participate and he is someone who doesn't believe in the therapeutic process.

I am a saint for my kids. He made the choice to have the A, I take 50% responsibility for the part I played in the break down of the marriage. I have to speak in generalities as I'm paranoid about OW seeing this post (does anyone else think like that?) but I did play a part in the break down of the marriage. He's 100% of the A.
I've physically been to the L's office. I know what my options are, the L has all my paperwork, I'm cocked and loaded if I need to be. At the same time, I want my M to work. I don't blindly trust him but damn I'm tired.

I did tell the OW's H. I'm not quite sure what is going on with them, I don't know if he left her or not.

I've snooped. I've kept close tabs, been beating the horse DAILY (and no, it's not a dead horse) and I'm tired. I'm aware WH could have taken the A underground, very very underground or they are playing it cool. That's why I'm not being stupid about it. The IC said if I want the M to work, at some point I have to decide to accept the situation. I can't look at the situation in one huge wave, I have to take it apart and analyze it.
He has shown remorse, he does talk to me over and over and answers my questions. I am not physically abused, emotionally abused-yes! This whole situation has been emotionally abusive.

Skan posted 9/11/2013 16:05 PM

The IC said if I want the M to work, at some point I have to decide to accept the situation.

duststorm, forgive my bluntness, but this is a load of crap. There's no way to pretty up the steaming pile that your IC has just told you to accept as "normal."

Yeah, sure, if a battered wife wants to make her marriage "work," she can just accept the abuse and try to figure out the best way to take the least amount of beatings that her husband decides to hand out to her. If a husband decides to screw his children, I guess that his wife can make the marriage "work" by closing her eyes to the abuse and her ears to the children's screams at night.

Question is, do you want the marriage that you have right now to "work?" I would hope that you would demand a better marriage than the one that has you, right now, being abused, neglected, and betrayed.

You stop digging when, after a long period of time, you are certain that there is nothing else to dig for. You stop monitoring (I refuse to use the word snoop) your WS's communications when, after time, they have proved to you that there is nothing to monitor. You trust when your WH has proved to you, over time, that he is trustworthy.

My FWH has about a 95% trust rating from me right now. And I still will look through his phone and computer upon occasion. He accepts it and, if he things that there's something in there that might be a problem for me, he points it out to me and we both look at it and I give him feedback. And every time he does that, he builds up my trust more and more. It may never hit 100% again, but it's a hell of a lot better than the -80% it was after DDay.

In my personal opinion, your WH is not remorseful. He's just unhappy that he's been caught and is doing the minimum to, not keep you happy, but keep you present. And that's totally unacceptable.

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