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danni posted 9/11/2013 13:47 PM

Hi everyone

Just logged in today after a lonnnng time away. I was feeling so low and needed to feel understood and vent.

Been a long time. I dont even know if this is the right forum to post in. But here goes.


No answer to my questions, yes three years later.

No time line.

No discussion regarding the affairs.

No communication.

Now I feel it is to late to demand answers.

I actually gave up over six months ago. After our last MC session. All promises with the MC but as soon as we left everything we talked about was forgotten. $150.00 a hour not covered by insurance I canceled all the appointments that were to follow.

He cannot understand why I am so cold. I have nothing to say to him. As far as sex goes I could do it with a perfect stranger off the street and feel the same way. It is sex no connection nothing.

I dont know where to go from here. I say nothing at this point I am afraid what may come out of my mouth will not be very productive.

Thanks for listening

Alex CR posted 9/11/2013 15:30 PM


So sorry you find yourself stuck and feeling low. It has to be hard to be three years out and not getting what you need to heal.

Have you gone to IC for you? Have you figured out what you want/need from your life? what your goals/aspirations/dreams are?

We did not do MC but used books and met weekly on our own to thrash our way through the A and our marriage. I went to IC for almost a year and it helped me dramatically.

My IC told me I was in control even though I didn't feel like I had control of anything. She asked me, "if you knew you had only five years left to live, how would you want to spend them?" and that really hit home as I was approaching the big 6-0 and hell, I realized I actually could only have five years left!

Marriage is not a life sentence and for some, infidelity is a deal breaker.

Be kind to yourself and know you are in the driver's seat. You can make changes in you and if your WS wants to catch up and be a vital part of your life, he can do the work necessary, but you don't have to wait for him.

Glad you came back...There are a lot of people here who can help.

Morhurt posted 9/11/2013 15:31 PM

I'm so sorry. I'm a newbie so I have no advice, just wanted you to know that you've been heard.

Razor posted 9/11/2013 16:29 PM

Hello Danni.

I dont really know what to tell you other than welcome to my life.

Like you I got no answers. TT would be a improvement. No real remorse. Blaming. The usual. I have been at this much longer than 3 years and am still with WW.

I dont know your situ or if you are young or old or if you have kids or no. All those are important when deciding to stay or go in your M.

If after this long time if your WH has not shown remorse and answered you questions and done the work and given transparency as you wanted. I am sorry to say that IMO it is not going to happen.

So before you there are 2 paths. One is to D your WH and rebuild your life. If you are young and have no kids this may be the best way to go.

The other path is to stay with your WH. Things will remain the same. Your WH will not suddenly realize all that he needs to do and start being a remorseful WH that works to win back his BW. If you are older with children and grand children as I do. If your finances are too tangled and if a D would leave you destitute in your old age. Then I want to tell you that staying with your WH is possible. And you can be happy.

Like you I wanted a lot of things from WW about her LTA. Time line. History. Places they went. I also wanted real remorse. Not just feeling sorry for herself. I wanted empathy. I wanted to see work being done that I did not have to ask for. I felt I NEEDED these things to heal and be happy once more.

And like you nothing happened. No talking. Everything is fine as long as I dont bring her LTA up in convo.

I was hoping for all that I felt I needed from WW. And then I realized that hoping for something that would never happen was chaining me down and not allowing me to heal myself. You see I realized that our WS can not heal us. Only we can do that.

At first I played a word game with it. I stopped hoping and moved those feelings to WISHING. For me I discovered that with HOPE I was investing myself in the outcome but with a WISH I was not.

So I wished my WW would change. But we cant change people. Especially those that dont want to change. So in time I gave up that wish. I gave up on all of it. I realized that THIS is my life and I can sit and moan and groan about it or I could get about living it.

Its like standing before a locked door. A door that you have no key for and is actually welded shut. I was standing there waiting for the door to open. Not moving. Just waiting with lots and lots of anxiety because I was personally invested in getting that door open. When I realized that that door was never going to open I also saw that I could just turn away and carry on down my path.

That door led to the M I wanted. But that was just a dream. And would never happen. So I gave up and went on with my life.

Me and WW are still together. I enjoy her company. We have fun together. We share a common world view and have allot in common. Sex is sex and I discovered that I dont really need the emotional connection. I miss it but I dont need it.

Now I do as I choose within the realm of basic consideration for WW. I treat her well. But if I want to do something (no cheating tho) I do it. If WW wants to join me in what I choose to do I am happy about it but if she doesnt I am fine with that too and I go ahead and do it.

In the past I gave up allot of things I wanted to do because WW didnt want to do them with me. Now I offer her to come along but if she doesnt I do it alone and am fine with that.

Now I am living my life and am quite happy. I enjoy WW company and doing things with her. But I also enjoy doing many things alone without her.

It is possible to stay M to our WS and even when they do not do the work we need we can still find happiness.


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