Dday was January, 2013. Every once in a while she would go out for drinks with a girlfriend. It wasn't very often, but when she did, she would lose sight of time and come home very late (early) which would always generate arguments. This time in January after promising it would only be for dinner and promised profusely not to go to her friends regular bar, she again came home late, and for the first time, intoxicated, from her friends hang-out. When the argument ensued the following morning, I don't know why, but I demanded to see her phone. It all began to unravel from there. She ran to the bathroom and began deleting everything. She said she only deleted msgs to her friend that she was worried that I wanted a divorce and didn't want me to see. After a lot of discussion, she finally said she had a male friend, long discussion later, yes, they had kissed, long discussion later, they had "touched" each other, long discussion later, they "pleasured" each other, long discussion later, they had in fact had sex, long discussion later, it had been going on for five years.At that time, she said it had been over for 5-6 months. I was and still am, crushed.
A little history. I'm 46, she's 42. We have two daughters, 21 and 17. Been married 22 years. I'm not going to say our marriage was stellar-we had good times and bad times. As the years went by, we both realized we weren't as close, but I figured "it's marriage with kids". The kids are almost grown, one is out of the house and once both are out on their own, we can begin enjoying each others company. Please don't get me wrong. We LOVE our girls and enjoy every second with them and are so blessed to have them. It just that we didn't have (or make) time for just me and my wife before kids. As I've read in earlier posts, I take 50% responsibility in not having the best marriage.
Going back a little earlier. Our anniversary was in December. She suggested a getaway to a larger city and wanted to make a "new start" for us. I was happy for this and thought we both had a great time.
After Dday I began my snooping. Pulled text records on numbers texted and called. Wow, so many calls to this guy. It was a routine, every morning and evening to and from her work. To make matters worse, they both worked in the same city, an hour away from home. I sorted to just his number and began comparing dates and times. It hurt that so many msgs were at times I was present. Even on Christmas eve, Christmas day, throughout our anniversary weekend, many times when we were side by side. I would ask who she was txting, her girlfriend. Lies. She would pull into the driveway while on the phone, I would ask.......lies. She's met his family, yes they knew she was married, and met some of his friends. Get this, his own marriage failed from a prior infidelity. She has met his kids. Protection? Of course not. She had her tubes tied. He hit a goldmine. She has since had std test and seems to be clean.
I asked for details. I now regret she provided many. For the first several months, I couldn't get those mental pictures out of my mind. Slowly, they fade, but once in a while they'll still pop up out of nowhere. I try to distract my thoughts, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
My wife suffers from low self-esteem. Her mother helps with this by picking on her weight, job isn't good enough, not raising the kids right, etc. I've tried to compensate for this through the years, but to no avail. Even though I tell her how beautiful she is to me, she feels that I'm ashamed to be seen with her. Furthest from the truth. This other person I guess made her feel good about herself, desired, and as a car salesman, I'm sure he knew the right things to say. She also tried to convince her self as she says she thought I was having an affair. I used to travel a lot for work. I say used to, as after Dday, I was able to stop traveling to the extent I used to. I feel she tried to rationalize it, "if he is, I will". To clarify, I never strayed, ever. Even would others I would be with would go to the bars, I intentionally would go back to the hotel. Her mother didn't help telling her that "he probably is having an affair with the way you look". I didn't know about these comments until afterwards. I can't stand the sight of her mother now, although I know the cheating wasn't her fault. My wife made her decisions. Remorse? She said she was sorry, felt bad, and would go back in time and change it if she could. I question the amount of remorse though. She had no tears or sorrow.
My 17yo daughter was unfortunately at ground zero when the bomb dropped. To make matters worse, my daughter knew this man, have met on multiple occasions, and considered themselves friends. My wife inserted this man into her life.He's even been to our house several times. I hate her for this. My daughter wasn't as much devastated by the affair as much as the possibility of her parents divorcing. This tore her up and me at the same time. I can honestly say that no matter how much I love my wife, I would have left then and there, with no second thoughts, if it hadn't been for my daughter. I promised my daughter I would do everything I could to save our marriage. If it didn't work, it wouldn't be because of me, or for my lack of trying.
We tried counseling and went to about six sessions. Our counselor was not so great. On our last several visits I got the distinct impression he wanted to say to me "what are you doing, RUN". Needless to say we stopped seeing him.
We decided to try to reconcile. I gave my wife multiple chance to "come clean" with anything else that I should know to clear the air, start fresh, with no secrets. Trust was blown. There was none for me for her. The first slip was contact with "him". After deciding to try to work things out, the VERY first commitment was for absolutely no further contact with him. To her benefit she did tell me a time when he called her-of course she knew I would see it on the call log too. One day I recvd an email from him on our joint personal email account. It was in reply to an email she had mistakenly used our account for to "see how he was doing". Of course I gave her "one more chance". I then found an email on her work account to an old employer (who by the way she says sexually harassed her) in response to an email he had sent her trying to reconnect. I don't think there was an affair here, but who knows? In her reply, she mentioned she was in "the midst of a divorce".
Here's the latest bomb. About a month or so ago, just for the heck of it, I went back to her call and text logs and began looking at other numbers. There were several reoccurring phone numbers at odd times. When confronted, she admitted she joined an on-line sex dating site, but it was only to bolster her low self esteem and for others to tell her how good she looked..... It came out she was sexting with 3, 4, 5 people, who really knows how many. She eventually admitted to meeting several, but only in public places and never had sex with any of them. Only for friendship. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but, really? I then found Google history on the cloud. She searched directions to several cities and even to a specific hotel. The times of these searches, particularly the hotel search, which was on Christmas Eve, I don't think she could have met up with any of these people, but again, who knows? She "works" 1/2 days Christmas eve in an office where most take the day off. Most of the people from the website are several hr drives, but one is in our same town, the one she communicated with most frequently, again, she claims they were only friends. With no trust, I have to assume, she had more affairs even though she vigorously denies it. Another hurtful item here, she joined these sites two days before our anniversary. Yes, the trip we took where she wanted to renew our relationship.
I can't talk to anyone about this. My family would disown her, which would make any reconciliation more difficult and make it more difficult for my kids. I don't have any close friends besides coworkers, can't go there. My daughter began seeing a therapist at her request as she can't talk about this with her friends.
I know have access to her Facebook account, personal email, and her phone. She says she deleted her "other" personal email account. How do I know. How do I know she's not calling him from work, emailing him from work (which I don't have access to), other email accounts, or even another phone? Yes, I also found there were several credit cards and a bank account I didn't know about, which she said was for her security out of fear that I would leave her for my girlfriend, which never existed.
Even after all of the above I still love my wife, always have. We met in college, raised a family and suffered the trials and tribulations together. I'm looking at this as a chance to build a stronger marriage. Am I afraid of divorce? No, it would be easier. I'm not afraid of dating again or being on my own. I'm not thrilled with the idea of my kids having divorced parents and having to worry about their kids birthday parties or weddings or things of such. I'm hurt, humiliated, sad, at times depressed, my work is suffering. I used to be the "go to" person at work, now I feel as if I'm the "stay away" person. But still want to make it work.
Most recent event. We went to take dancing lessons the other day. An activity for us to do together. We go in and she begins looking uncomfortable. She confides that "his" best friend (who is a female) is there. Of course we switch partners around and who do I get paired with? You got it.... When does it stop? I'm waiting for the day I come face to face with "him". Not sure how it'll go????
How do I trust her? I still travel some for work. When I give dates on when I'll be gone, I feel like she's taking mental notes. When she's here with me, in person, I feel safe. When not, my mind wonders.
Now some of the good. We're talking more. Much more, about everything, including the affair. About six months ago she started a new job, closer to home and she's introducing me to coworkers and attending work events together-something she didn't used to do. We're also going out, having date nights, and jokingly spending our kids inheritance while visiting wineries. We're talking some in the middle of the work day and lots of txts between just her and I. She calls me when she's running errands to let me know where she's at and when to expect her. She has started going into work earlier and staying a little later, with a new job with much greater responsibilities, I'm trying to learn to trust, but have to go back to the adage-trust, but verify...
Here's a pc of recovery info I ran across for PTSD that I found helpful. "Admit that we are powerless over the past and unable to change the traumatic events we have experienced".
Any advice, other than "Run"? I know, time heals.....
[This message edited by betrayedme2 at 3:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
