A little history. I'm 46, she's 42. We have two daughters, 21 and 17. Been married 22 years. I'm not going to say our marriage was stellar-we had good times and bad times. As the years went by, we both realized we weren't as close, but I figured "it's marriage with kids". The kids are almost grown, one is out of the house and once both are out on their own, we can begin enjoying each others company. Please don't get me wrong. We LOVE our girls and enjoy every second with them and are so blessed to have them. It just that we didn't have (or make) time for just me and my wife before kids. As I've read in earlier posts, I take 50% responsibility in not having the best marriage.
Going back a little earlier. Our anniversary was in December. She suggested a getaway to a larger city and wanted to make a "new start" for us. I was happy for this and thought we both had a great time.
After Dday I began my snooping. Pulled text records on numbers texted and called. Wow, so many calls to this guy. It was a routine, every morning and evening to and from her work. To make matters worse, they both worked in the same city, an hour away from home. I sorted to just his number and began comparing dates and times. It hurt that so many msgs were at times I was present. Even on Christmas eve, Christmas day, throughout our anniversary weekend, many times when we were side by side. I would ask who she was txting, her girlfriend. Lies. She would pull into the driveway while on the phone, I would ask.......lies. She's met his family, yes they knew she was married, and met some of his friends. Get this, his own marriage failed from a prior infidelity. She has met his kids. Protection? Of course not. She had her tubes tied. He hit a goldmine. She has since had std test and seems to be clean.
I asked for details. I now regret she provided many. For the first several months, I couldn't get those mental pictures out of my mind. Slowly, they fade, but once in a while they'll still pop up out of nowhere. I try to distract my thoughts, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
My wife suffers from low self-esteem. Her mother helps with this by picking on her weight, job isn't good enough, not raising the kids right, etc. I've tried to compensate for this through the years, but to no avail. Even though I tell her how beautiful she is to me, she feels that I'm ashamed to be seen with her. Furthest from the truth. This other person I guess made her feel good about herself, desired, and as a car salesman, I'm sure he knew the right things to say. She also tried to convince her self as she says she thought I was having an affair. I used to travel a lot for work. I say used to, as after Dday, I was able to stop traveling to the extent I used to. I feel she tried to rationalize it, "if he is, I will". To clarify, I never strayed, ever. Even would others I would be with would go to the bars, I intentionally would go back to the hotel. Her mother didn't help telling her that "he probably is having an affair with the way you look". I didn't know about these comments until afterwards. I can't stand the sight of her mother now, although I know the cheating wasn't her fault. My wife made her decisions. Remorse? She said she was sorry, felt bad, and would go back in time and change it if she could. I question the amount of remorse though. She had no tears or sorrow.
My 17yo daughter was unfortunately at ground zero when the bomb dropped. To make matters worse, my daughter knew this man, have met on multiple occasions, and considered themselves friends. My wife inserted this man into her life.He's even been to our house several times. I hate her for this. My daughter wasn't as much devastated by the affair as much as the possibility of her parents divorcing. This tore her up and me at the same time. I can honestly say that no matter how much I love my wife, I would have left then and there, with no second thoughts, if it hadn't been for my daughter. I promised my daughter I would do everything I could to save our marriage. If it didn't work, it wouldn't be because of me, or for my lack of trying.
We tried counseling and went to about six sessions. Our counselor was not so great. On our last several visits I got the distinct impression he wanted to say to me "what are you doing, RUN". Needless to say we stopped seeing him.
We decided to try to reconcile. I gave my wife multiple chance to "come clean" with anything else that I should know to clear the air, start fresh, with no secrets. Trust was blown. There was none for me for her. The first slip was contact with "him". After deciding to try to work things out, the VERY first commitment was for absolutely no further contact with him. To her benefit she did tell me a time when he called her-of course she knew I would see it on the call log too. One day I recvd an email from him on our joint personal email account. It was in reply to an email she had mistakenly used our account for to "see how he was doing". Of course I gave her "one more chance". I then found an email on her work account to an old employer (who by the way she says sexually harassed her) in response to an email he had sent her trying to reconnect. I don't think there was an affair here, but who knows? In her reply, she mentioned she was in "the midst of a divorce".
Here's the latest bomb. About a month or so ago, just for the heck of it, I went back to her call and text logs and began looking at other numbers. There were several reoccurring phone numbers at odd times. When confronted, she admitted she joined an on-line sex dating site, but it was only to bolster her low self esteem and for others to tell her how good she looked..... It came out she was sexting with 3, 4, 5 people, who really knows how many. She eventually admitted to meeting several, but only in public places and never had sex with any of them. Only for friendship. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but, really? I then found Google history on the cloud. She searched directions to several cities and even to a specific hotel. The times of these searches, particularly the hotel search, which was on Christmas Eve, I don't think she could have met up with any of these people, but again, who knows? She "works" 1/2 days Christmas eve in an office where most take the day off. Most of the people from the website are several hr drives, but one is in our same town, the one she communicated with most frequently, again, she claims they were only friends. With no trust, I have to assume, she had more affairs even though she vigorously denies it. Another hurtful item here, she joined these sites two days before our anniversary. Yes, the trip we took where she wanted to renew our relationship.
I can't talk to anyone about this. My family would disown her, which would make any reconciliation more difficult and make it more difficult for my kids. I don't have any close friends besides coworkers, can't go there. My daughter began seeing a therapist at her request as she can't talk about this with her friends.
I know have access to her Facebook account, personal email, and her phone. She says she deleted her "other" personal email account. How do I know. How do I know she's not calling him from work, emailing him from work (which I don't have access to), other email accounts, or even another phone? Yes, I also found there were several credit cards and a bank account I didn't know about, which she said was for her security out of fear that I would leave her for my girlfriend, which never existed.
Even after all of the above I still love my wife, always have. We met in college, raised a family and suffered the trials and tribulations together. I'm looking at this as a chance to build a stronger marriage. Am I afraid of divorce? No, it would be easier. I'm not afraid of dating again or being on my own. I'm not thrilled with the idea of my kids having divorced parents and having to worry about their kids birthday parties or weddings or things of such. I'm hurt, humiliated, sad, at times depressed, my work is suffering. I used to be the "go to" person at work, now I feel as if I'm the "stay away" person. But still want to make it work.
Most recent event. We went to take dancing lessons the other day. An activity for us to do together. We go in and she begins looking uncomfortable. She confides that "his" best friend (who is a female) is there. Of course we switch partners around and who do I get paired with? You got it.... When does it stop? I'm waiting for the day I come face to face with "him". Not sure how it'll go????
How do I trust her? I still travel some for work. When I give dates on when I'll be gone, I feel like she's taking mental notes. When she's here with me, in person, I feel safe. When not, my mind wonders.
Now some of the good. We're talking more. Much more, about everything, including the affair. About six months ago she started a new job, closer to home and she's introducing me to coworkers and attending work events together-something she didn't used to do. We're also going out, having date nights, and jokingly spending our kids inheritance while visiting wineries. We're talking some in the middle of the work day and lots of txts between just her and I. She calls me when she's running errands to let me know where she's at and when to expect her. She has started going into work earlier and staying a little later, with a new job with much greater responsibilities, I'm trying to learn to trust, but have to go back to the adage-trust, but verify...
Here's a pc of recovery info I ran across for PTSD that I found helpful. "Admit that we are powerless over the past and unable to change the traumatic events we have experienced".
Any advice, other than "Run"? I know, time heals.....
[This message edited by betrayedme2 at 3:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
Trust is something that your WW has to earn back. And don't be surprised if full trust ever comes back. Having been betrayed by the one person on earth, that is supposed to have your back, is not something that all people can completely get beyond. The good, ironic news is that, with a fully repentant spouse who is dedicated to not only helping you to heal, but is dedicated to healing themselves, you can build a new, sometimes exceptional marriage. The kicker is, it takes time. That four-letter word, time.
And as you have found out, every lie, every bit of trickle truth that comes out, sets you back to DDay if not beyond. And every time that you have setbacks like that, you may find that your Give-A-Damn is broken more and more until the day that you truly don't give a damn.
Frankly, right now, your WW deserves to have no trust extended to her. The question is, what is it that YOU need, to feel more comfortable? Especially when you're traveling. A tracker on her phone? Skyping several times a day? Her traveling with you? Her being only at work and home, unless accompanied by your daughter (which is sort of unfair to your daughter, I must admit)? What?
In the meantime, please take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Get a copy of "How to help your spouse recover from your affair" and "Not JUST Friends." Click on the Amazon link on the left side of the HOME page, and the site will get a small donation. The first book is very small and an easy read. It's also worth it's weight in gold. Your WW should read it first then you. Then the next book which has some exercises that you can do together. They are rightfully, highly recommended.
Also, this is the part that I absolutely hate to type to anyone, but it must be said. If you and your WW have not been tested for STD/HIV yet, you both need to have a full blood panel pulled and also schedule your follow-up tests. You need to either have your WWs doctor convey the results to you directly or you need to read the original lab report. You cannot trust your WW to give you an honest answer on this, because she has already proved herself to be a successful liar and liars lie. Each and every one of us here has had to make that phone call. It's hard, I know. (((hugs)))
Please come back often for support. we're all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for men only, you might want to make a pit stop down there, a great bunch of male members who will help you navigate through this nightmare.
As a woman, what truly frightens me in your situation is your wife meeting up with "random" men from sexting sites. Very dangerous waters, she could have been harmed physically or a potential nutcase could have been a threat to your family.
Understand that her destructive choices are no reflection on you. Infidelity occurs in the best and worst of marriages.
I am going to bump up two excellent articles for newbies, one entitled Tactical Primer, the other Before You Say Reconcile. Great resources.
In the meantime, check out the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner, chock full of information.
I understand you want to reconcile, but personally I would consult an attorney just to be clear on your rights should R not work. I personally believe your wife needs some intense counseling.
I omitted I did consult with an attorney about a month ago. It was a very good visit and ironically left optimistic for an R.
New drama from last night. I discovered she had been keeping contact "as friends" with "him" from the 5 yr affair. Just to check up and see how he was doing, of course. She says it was a deep friendship and it's hard to let go completely and suddenly. She doesn't understand what this does to me and what it means to our family. She obviously thought she wouldn't get caught. I may not be able to catch everything, but if you speed enough times, you'll get pulled over. Oh yeah, and an email address that she says was "way old" and only used it in the event he needed to get a hold of her. She took his last name on the email account and the pw was a knickname they had. I wonder if she wrote his name on her notebook a hundred times. Sorry for the sarcasm. Apparently she was checking it.....just in case... She doesn't mean to hurt me..
Anyway, on to therapist #2. But enough is coming very darn close to being enough. There's only so much a person can take.
I will be reading up!! Thanks again!! It's good just to be able to "talk". And you're right, glad she didn't hook up with any wacko's.
No matter how much you love your WW, she certanly doesn't love you as much.
Maybe it's time to see a lawyer since it looks she's not going to stop cheating on you.
[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 8:26 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife "Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart. Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele
You are R for your kids.REALLY? They are grown up man. They will deal it in a better way than you dealing with your remorseless wife. She is keeping her plan B (You)intact by manipulating you.
File for Divorce and find a partner worthy of your love and care.
I think your first therapist saw what is coming.... So he wanted you to run but being so desperate for repair you didnt see it.
Sit with your children and talk to them how you are hurting and the new developments of she never endig the A. They wont want their father suffer like this.
Man up and fight for your self respect, your wife is too damaged and broken and you cant save her. Stop playing the knight in the shining Armour.
Expose far and wide and file for D.
All this said, I know how hard it is, send you good thoughts and strength, and wish you all good things.
Sounds like you've already done a lot of things we would normally recommend to a noob. Good for you. I would like to specifically recommend you look at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 and implement each and every step. No matter how much she begs, borrows or steals, take this time and find out who YOU are and what YOU need. She obviously needs to do some work on her own.
On that note, please realize that all of this is on her. You didn't hold a gun to her head and force her to have sex with another man. That was her CHOICE! Whatever problems there were in the marriage(whether real or imagined) could have been dealt with in another fashion.
Strength for the trials ahead. There's more to come, the question is, will she have the strength to admit to it.
To oversimplify things, but to also be an absolute truth---this ends when you say it ends.
You can't control your wife. And I definitely understand the "safe" feeling when she is in eyeshot, but how the imagination runs wild when not. That is the total lack of trust, PLUS her unremorseful behavior, that is making you feel this way.
You understand that this she is still cheating, correct? She doesn't have to be physically with him; he is taking up space in her head, and she still has *good* feelings about him. Basically, she is still choosing him over you.
If that isn't wayward behavior, then I don't know what is.
I know you are fighting for your wife and your daughter, but I guarantee, if your daughter knew the depths of her mother's past AND current behavior---along with seeing her father suffer...she would prefer to see you happy and single. She would not want to see you hurting like this, with a partner who not only isn't trying, but is actively punishing you.
You are right for being outraged that your wife has effectively screwed with your children's heads for years to come. She was supposed to protect them, not destroy them. And you need to take some of this anger, and channel it constructively to draw firm lines in the sand. If she isn't going to commit, then what are you fighting for?
You have to step back emotionally from your wife. When you pull back to a safer distance, you will see things a little differently. And believe me, your wife will feel the change. And that will be her moment at the edge of the abyss.
Will she step back and learn? Maybe. But if she falls in, there is nothing that you can do to help her.
Protect yourself. Show her, in no uncertain terms, your boundaries. Accept nothing less that what a loving, honest partner in a committed relationship is entitled to.
[This message edited by jb3199 at 5:49 AM, September 13th (Friday)]
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett D-Day(s): Plenty Acceptance the Marriage is over: 7/2/14 Heading for D
Hope this doesn't come back to bite you in the ass....
