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Newest Member: chessboxer (45725)

User Topic: What is the worst case scenario at conference
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a previous post about me/H going to 4-day conference and the AP will be there one of the posters, Chicho suggested we come up with a plan. What is the worst case scenario (WCS) and what will I do if that happens. What will H do.

I guess our WCS will be different. We have to discuss this. Mine is if we are introduced by an innocent third party. What do I say? Yes...I am familiar. And walk away? I am certainly not going to fake a smile and shake her hand.

I think my H's WCS is that some kind of scene takes place. Rest assured it will not happen bc I have approached her. I have no intention of doing this. And if she approaches me I am working out what to say. Quiet, strong and quick. Done.

I guess my H would also say the WCS would be me sitting in our room crying and yelling at him and not wanting to go out anywhere. I can see myself crying at some point...come on. It's going to be tough. This is where the A got its start. They would even room together for two conferences after that. WTF for two people who didn't want to get caught?!

But I can't see myself getting overpowered by it and ruining my time.

Rambling....

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:02 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2592 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretending that your cell phone just vibrated in your pocket/purse can get you out of almost anything. "Oh, I need to grab this, sorry." Just act like it is vibrating. Of course, that leaves H there.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2144 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would consider not walking away. What have you got to be ashamed of? Of course, if it's a choice between walking away and doing something truly nasty, the high road is the way to go. IMO.

In all likelihood, she'll keep dodging you...easy to do in a big room.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44 - I'm just gonna make a call here. I bet the worst thing that happens in this situation is your anticipation of it.
You sound very grounded and sure. You got this!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc, I hope you are right.

Sisoon, I have nothing to be ashamed of. This I know. But what would you do (and I don't just mean you but others reading)? Say hello and stand my ground. Not move? I guess this is possible. I certainly don't want to be nasty...well, I do but I am not going to embarrass my H only to make future conferences harder. Like you he thinks she will stay away. I guess what Chicho said was picture the worst thing...so that was my worst thing.

bionic, yeah I think the now-not-so-famous Paris Hilton used this trick a lot!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2592 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is for situations like this, that the Cut Direct are made.

"LA44, I would like you to meet OW, OW, this is LA44." LA44, looking vaguely through OW, not extending her hand, smiles vaguely in the direction of OW's ear, gives a small smile and a sniff, and moves past. At most, says "indeed" in a voice that indicates utter boredom, and then LA44 and WH sweep past, telling introducer that they look forward to talking to him/her later, utterly ignoring OW.

OW approaches LA44 and/or WH and tries to speak. Without extending hands, LA44 and/or WH sniff as if catching a whiff of something unpleasant, and walk on.

The point being to not engage, not acknowledge, and treat as if a puppy were seen to be pooping in the center of the room. Out of politeness to one's host, you pretend to not see the unpleasantness but move on so the host can clean up the mess without witnesses.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5096 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should eat a giant meal of Mexican food and crop dust her!

Why can't we make up best case scenarios? More fun!

I wouldn't do anything to confirm her status as a human. If forced to bear an introduction, smile and say "excuse me, I see someone I would like to speak with" and leave. If inadvertently alone together, look her up and down, slowly, and find her to be lacking, as coldly as possible.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WCS, you make dinner plans with WH and he invites AP to join you. In a sitch where it would make a scene to say no.

Farfetched? It happened to me. I was polite, distant, and spent the meal contemplating what would happen if I stuck my steak knife in his (WW's AP) chest. Let's just say WW and I had "words" later.

Trust me, no way it's going to be that bad. You got this. Take Skan's advice.

You got this. YOU are the winner here. Everybody else can clean the poop out of their drawers later.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 6:57 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
alphakitte
♀ 33438
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, if it were me? I'd smile sweetly and say, "Oh, my, so YOU"RE____. I've heard SO much about you!" And, then don't say anything, unless she responds with, "All good, I hope?" To which I'd answer , "Well, it definitely would depend on your perspective, if you catch my drift?"

You could even wink at her, and then cackle a laugh out.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 7:09 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MoreWould, WHAT? That is brutal. So yeah. That just won't happen in this case. Now....we could be seated together on the formal night but with so many there, I doubt it.


I think you should eat a giant meal of Mexican food and crop dust her!

Rebreather you made me laugh! I actually thought I would do just as you said, excuse myself and move on. Oh and I do love Mexican!

Thanks Skan. Are you a script writer?

@Alpha, "yes, I am familiar with her work..really goes above and beyond and works well into the wee hours!"

Thanks all, this is actually fun now!

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:14 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2592 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
anewday78
♂ 39357
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"So you're [insert name]. Your reputation precedes you, I'm sure."
Then walk away.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Carry a stuffed bunny with you. If all else fails, kill the rabbit.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7566 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think a bad scenario would be a last minute change of heart. Would you have the courage to be honest with your H about not wanting to be there? Would he support you and walk away from the conference without resentment?


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Aug 2012
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the last two post.,.
but honestly most likely she will avoid you.. How large is the conference. I know that 2 years back she saw me.. And avoided me like the plague...the was an event so it was more socializing but a large hall.. This was 2 months after DDay so I was still very raw... When I saw her I made the beeline straight to her .. I introduced myself and as my WH wife.. She didn't even attempt to talk.. I think she almost had a cardiac.along with my WH who was ready to hold me back incase I wanted to try out my new profession as plastic surgeon.
Believe me we haven't seen her since. She might attend but we never see her..
Good luck I know it's gut wrenching.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am enjoying all the responses. Isn't it a fantasy for so many of us to see the ap and to have the perfect comment (not to mention hair, outfit, etc) and to destroy the ap with the perfect words?

But high road, high road, high road.

What Skan said.

And what Chicho said. Think about this.

And also an escape hatch or code word that you can use in a group. To indicate to your WS that you need out of a situation, place, etc. for some reason.

And run through your plan with WS, and make sure any expectations that you have of WS are clear to him.

Good luck. You have this!


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in the moment you will know what to do. just make sure you look super hot so you feel extra confident. I would just act like she doesn't exist. Not acknowledge her. Talk to everyone but her and I wouldn't care what anyone else thought about it either. My guess is she will avoid you though. I imagine she's just as nervous.

When I was going to meet the OW (she works for us and I asked my H to introduce me) I had an anxiety attack on the way there. I had to excuse myself to a private room to cry at one point. The OW was all smiles and tried to talk to me. I just said hi and looked at her like she was stupid and walked away. She says we met before but I don't remember her. At this time I had only suspected there was something going on.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Jul 2013
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a serious note I love the, 'Oh so YOU'RE.....' said while holding your head high and looking her straight in the eye (if she has the gall to even meet yours). I think that is all you need to say. It just says it all without the need for anything else. You, she and your husband all know what you are saying, but no one else does. If she has the capacity to feel shame that will hit home and she will slink away whence she came, and if she hasn't any shame, well it'll at least let her know that you know all about her. That your husband not only chose you but also came totally clean about her to you. I just think that response is perfect. Especially if your husband is at your side when it happens, SOLIDLY supporting you with his body language - he does owe you that imo.) This way there's no drama unless OW chooses to make any, yet you get your point across too. Perfect.

But on a lighter note - I just love this (as my laptop will attest after getting coffee spat all over it)

I think you should eat a giant meal of Mexican food and crop dust her!

That made me truly this morning imagining that scene - so Thank you for that Redbreather!


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think a bad scenario would be a last minute change of heart. Would you have the courage to be honest with your H about not wanting to be there? Would he support you and walk away from the conference without resentment?

You guys are great! My bf was laughing about the crop duster comment bc I am soooo not a farter let alone a crop duster!

Anyway, Chicho to answer this...My H would 100% support me if I turned to him today and said, I cannot do this. Before we even booked he said, "Listen, if you want to go, we will go and I will be with your every step of the way - hand holding, dancing, call me out of a meeting and I will come, etc." But if you say no, then that is fine by me. We can go somewhere else...like Vegas!"

I opted for the conference. I think it will be another step in our healing. With the support of all of you, my bf's, our MC meeting today ("the ground will shift when you see her. Be prepared for that) and my H who has stated the things he will do to help me through this, I do believe I can do this.

Thank you!
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 12:38 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2592 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Josephine01
♀ 38511
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps simply say, "we've already been introduced" look at her with a blank expression and say, "hello." Then go about your evening, like she doesn't even matter. I won't be easy, but that way you've stood your ground and haven't been rude to the person who introduced you.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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