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Mr. Ben A. Nass posted 9/11/2013 14:05 PM

My last counselling session left me angry. I was asking my psych to help me find patterns in my behaviour that I use to withdraw from my spouse. Recently I have come to understand that I have many red flags when it comes to SA and have tried to explore this with my psych. He doesn't give any credit to the theory. I feel that he is of the oppinion the my BW should just be over it and the past is the past. I think I want to stop seeing him. I have looked up a SA counselor in the area but, have not contacted him yet.

When is it time to change?

My head says leave

I have spent many years(6) blame shifting and just plain ignoring what i must own.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 9/11/2013 15:01 PM

Go see a CSAT.

Skan posted 9/11/2013 18:51 PM

^^^ditto. But, before you fire your IC, please talk to your BW and tell her that you want to find another councilor to go to and why. Don't just quit and leave her to wonder if you are giving up on doing the work. This is a chance for you to let her know that you are being proactive in healing by wanting to find an IC that will not let your rugsweep and who will dig to get to the bottom of your behaviors. Best of luck!

1DumbHusband posted 9/11/2013 21:12 PM

Don't forget, you are paying your IC for their time and help. If your not getting what you need from them, don't waste your time or money. If you need help digging down, then make sure you you get it.

Jrazz posted 9/16/2013 00:03 AM

I love Skan's advice.

Our first MC told me I should be over it in the second session. (2 Weeks after DDay)

We went home and Crazz said, "I don't think that guy has a [bleeping] clue what you've just been through. We need to find a new counselor."

So we did it immediately - and we shopped together. I felt confident that he was taking counseling seriously and not just trying to bail. Oh, and that MC was a jerk.

I'm really proud of you for taking an active role in your healing now.

Neznayou posted 9/16/2013 00:58 AM

My BH and I each looked for counselors after DDay because we knew we needed to find one that was going to meet our needs. I went to an IC appointment with counselors I'd worked with before (for depression). Turns out, they weren't terribly helpful then and certainly wouldn't be helpful in our post-A marriage. I scheduled both of us for MC at a clinic; that was a total waste of time! They focused on me because I had scheduled the appointment, and didn't ask my BH one single question. Our first "appointment" was merely an in-processing session. Meanwhile, BH found an independent counselor who has been with us for over a year now. She works with us in IC and MC. Her scheduling (both time and money) have been exceedingly flexible (which we desperately needed). She does not take sides, but encourages each of us to focus on ourselves and what we each need to change. I often think that our marriage was in the ICU for several weeks after DDay (and for a while before that, too). Our counselor is the ICU doctor who helped get our marriage off of life support.

We faced a move about 9 months after DDay. One of the questions we had to ask was how were we going to arrange our ongoing counseling needs. We both felt like our current counselor was meeting our needs and we really didn't want to have to find someone new. Even though BH and I are deeply devoted to R, we both know how valuable our C is to us and our marriage. Mr. Ben A. Nass, if your Counselor is not listening to you and giving you the feeling that your "BW should just be over it and the past is the past," the C may be doing more harm than good. Your BW needs someone who will be with her every step of the way until she feels she is over it on her own timeline, not the counselor's. I agree with Skan's advice: "talk to your BW and tell her that you want to find another councilor to go to and why." It is another opportunity for you to demonstrate that you are putting her needs first.

Maybe someone else has felt the need to switch counselors and can chime in. Is it advisable to stay with the old, maybe ineffective counselor until you find someone better? Or just go cold turkey and be without a counselor at all for a short time while the search continues?

[This message edited by Neznayou at 1:01 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

Jrazz posted 9/16/2013 02:24 AM

Is it advisable to stay with the old, maybe ineffective counselor until you find someone better? Or just go cold turkey and be without a counselor at all for a short time while the search continues?

That is an excellent question. I can't really give you an answer that's "right" because I think you really have to assess the benefit/cost ratio of being with a crappy counselor.

My kneejerk is to tell anyone to ditch a bad counselor immediately, but I'm reminded of a time shortly after my parents got divorced when my sister was in a really bad place so we sought counseling as a group. The four of us went together to this lady that just sat there, asked us how we were feeling, and then literally stared at us for minutes on end if nobody talked. We did end up talking a lot of things out together, but it was of our own volition. She was worthless in terms of contributing anything directly to our healing.

One day she asked us to grade our progress (must have got that out of her "Cliff's Notes to Psychology" magazine) and my dad answered for us. He said: "I give the girls A's, myself a C+, and you and F. The only reason I come here is because it gives me a chance to try and communicate with my daughters about something that I'd have a harder time talking about were it not for this environment. So yeah, thanks for the room."

She just widened here eyes and said "I think we're done here." We left and never went back.

She was a terrible counselor, but there was something about making the effort to go to that space that did help us.

So I totally advocate you getting a new counselor, but if it benefits you to be in that space until you find a better one... well, maybe that's something?

cantaccept posted 9/16/2013 03:22 AM

I have been to three counselors before I found one that is helpful.

The first one was horrific! She intimidated me, berated me and embarrassed me in group! As long as I said what she wanted and didn't mention my h it was safe. Crazy, definitely was not helpful!

The second was way too passive, I think I intimidated him! He couldn't handle emotion, he became so nervous and would shut down the conversation. I would leave there feeling so upset and disregarded, worse than before.

I love my 3rd counselor. I don't think I would have made the progress I have without him.

It is so worth it to find the right one.

I suppose we have to remember that they are just people that have been to school. They carry their life experiences with them also. They all have their strengths and weaknesses.

As to going cold turkey until you find a new one? I think you need to decide, is it doing more harm than good. My first was causing more damage so I did go cold turkey for a bit. It was hard though, I found another as quickly as I could.

Good luck and I agree, make it very clear to your s that you are not giving up and find a new counselor immediately.

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