IMO, if D is still a live option, you're 'working on the M', not 'in R'. I follow Shirley Glass pretty closely, and I took that from her.
I think you're R'ed when the issues you deal with are normal, annoying, day to day issues. The A is not forgotten, but it's more like a memory of a trauma rather than a trauma happening in the present moment. For me, it's 'she cheated, but she's a good partner now, she's been a good partner for years, and she'll be a good partner basically forever.'
It takes a lot of sustained work/action by both of us to rebuild that level of trust, and I wouldn't say we're there yet ... but it's coming.
My W's A started 3 years and a month ago. This past month I've been aware of that, and everything triggers me, but my sense is 'Right, right, she was cheating 3 years ago today, but she stopped cheating over 2.5 years ago, so this is not a big deal.'
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:14 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]