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How do you define "reconciled"?

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Arnold01 posted 9/11/2013 14:30 PM

I am nowhere near close to being reconciled - we just moved into reconciliation - but I'd love to get to that point someday.

That got me thinking, when people on SI post that they are "reconciled," how do you define that? Does being reconciled mean that the BS no longer thinks of the affair? Or that the WS is totally forgiven? Or that the couple is back to being like any happily married couple, happy but always continuing to work on their relationship?

Although being reconciled may be a long ways away for me, I'd love to have a sense of what that really means and what I'm aiming for. Thoughts?

5674emt posted 9/11/2013 15:50 PM

I define "in reconciliation" as, not being ready to go to the Lawyer to get it over with.
Reconciled is alot harder. It is the point for me when I feel safe in his arms again. Not worried he is only holding me for convienience, but because I am his one and only.
Not there yet either, but it is getting closer every day.

[This message edited by 5674emt at 3:51 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 9/11/2013 15:52 PM

Reconcile- Mirriam Webster
1a : to restore to friendship or harmony <reconciled the factions>
b : settle, resolve <reconcile differences>
2 : to make consistent or congruous <reconcile an ideal with reality>
3 : to cause to submit to or accept something unpleasant <was reconciled to hardship>
4a : to check (a financial account) against another for accuracy
b : to account for

which means for me:
#1 - NC and boundaries to return primary focus to the relationship
#2 - Honesty to both be on the same page with the past. To be on a level playing field.
#3 - Acceptance from the BS that it happened and to move forward
Acceptance from the WS that they are capable of it and search for how to not let it happen again
#4 - Transparency to not hold any secrets in the future

sisoon posted 9/11/2013 17:10 PM

IMO, if D is still a live option, you're 'working on the M', not 'in R'. I follow Shirley Glass pretty closely, and I took that from her.

I think you're R'ed when the issues you deal with are normal, annoying, day to day issues. The A is not forgotten, but it's more like a memory of a trauma rather than a trauma happening in the present moment. For me, it's 'she cheated, but she's a good partner now, she's been a good partner for years, and she'll be a good partner basically forever.'

It takes a lot of sustained work/action by both of us to rebuild that level of trust, and I wouldn't say we're there yet ... but it's coming.

My W's A started 3 years and a month ago. This past month I've been aware of that, and everything triggers me, but my sense is 'Right, right, she was cheating 3 years ago today, but she stopped cheating over 2.5 years ago, so this is not a big deal.'

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:14 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

VD2012 posted 9/11/2013 19:18 PM

For all intents and purposes I'd say I'm reconciled with my wife. By definition at least.

I've never ascribed a personal ideal to the concept. I don't give much thought to things like "we're in R", "reconciling as best we can" or what have you. I view it in a very simple manner. We're married, neither of us want a divorce. She's no longer terrible, I'm no longer a basketcase. We're going forward in life together working on the respective issues that are our own responsibilities and those that are shared. The affair is still present, she is still sorting out her lifelong issues, I'm steal healing (albeit slowly now), and it's still a part of our lives. Not THE part of our lives, not even a major part, but still a part all the same.

Is that reconciled? I don't know nor care. I know we love each other and are working toward the same goal on the same page.

looking forward posted 9/11/2013 20:45 PM

As long as the infidelity is a part of everyday thinking (either BS or WS or both), then I don't believe a couple is reconciled.
I have asked that question before in the four years I have been a member.
I'm still waiting for a definition that makes sense to me. Perhaps it should include acceptance and forgiveness AND moving forward in life together.

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