Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Update - triggering, I said I L Y...

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

sisoon posted 9/11/2013 14:37 PM

A season now. My 4th - the actual A in 2010, and now the 3rd antiversary.

I think I may be triggered almost 100% of the time, except for the time I spend on my (pedal-driven) bike. It's low-level triggering, and I can feel pain releasing as I go through it, but it's gotten old and annoying. Oh, well - 2-5 years.

Pre-A, I used to tell my W ILY a lot; words of affirmation was a big love language for me. Actions meant more to her than words, though; W rarely could say ILY to me convincingly.

Post-A, she's convincing when she says it, but she still doesn't say it much - maybe once a month? (Touch trumps words for me, and she's been great with that post-A, so the lack of words hasn't been an issue. )

Post-A I just don't say it. It's as if I think my saying ILY was a problem, and I guess it was. I should have demanded more than I did pre-A.

In any case, W was going out to audition for a very good, large amateur chorus last night. (They do things like Verdi's Requiem.) She hasn't sung for several years, so she was nervous. As she was leaving, 'No matter how you do, I'll still love you' just popped out of my mouth.

I'm really puzzled about saying it. I hope it's a Good Thing I said it. I think it's a Good Thing. But, boy, I feel weird about it!

I used to bike pretty seriously - 100-150 miles every week in Summer and Fall, with a ramp-up during the Spring. I cruised at 16-18 mph on my own, 18-20 mph with a group. I stopped when I became a road warrior in the early '90s, started back in 2002, and stopped again in 2005.

I started back up on July 5 after watching a couple of Tour de France days. I have to build my strength slowly, because if I push myself too hard, I tend to hurt my back. I started off doing 9-11 mph over 3-5 miles. Now I'm doing 13-15 mph over 15-20 miles.

Anyway, I really love cycling. Almost as much as sex, actually, now that I think of it. Fortunately, doing one doesn't preclude doing the other earlier or later the same day.... Just musing....

Remember - it takes all kinds.

Thanks for reading. I'm obviously in a pretty good place, and you folks helped me get here.

heartache101 posted 9/11/2013 14:47 PM


I love to cycle also. Bought my first bike this year. Ok first road bike! haha..

Congrats on feeling good about saying ILY.
I hope in time to come you will be able to say it and not wonder if it was ok to say that! You should always be ok to be just YOU!
Your partner should bring out the best part of you... That will come in time...

sisoon posted 9/11/2013 17:27 PM

Your partner should bring out the best part of you

Wow! Exactly - that's something I've been trying to put into words for some time.

I wanted to be with her way back when, and I wanted to R, because I'm a better 'me' with her than without her.

Thanks for sharing that thought.

First road bike...sounds very kewl and fast. It's about time for Breaking Away 2013 - I hope you get a part.

LA44 posted 9/11/2013 18:02 PM

which begs the question...what is the best part of me and is he bringing it out? hmmmm I like that heartache 101! But do I narrow it down? lol

Sisoon, well done with the riding. No pun intended.

VD2012 posted 9/11/2013 19:10 PM

Great to hear you're in a good place.

I also agree about spouses bringing out the best. It's one of the things that has always drawn myself to my wife, I just feel like a better me around her for whatever sense that may or may not make.

blakesteele posted 9/12/2013 02:53 AM


I L Y....yeah, has a different feel to it post-A, doesn't it?

Its a good thing...kinda makes you feel vulnerable though, huh?

I am focusing a bit on vulnerability and how it relates to true intimacy.

Wish I had wisdom for you...I owe you much.

Unfortunately, the strongest part of my post to you is the opening hug.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:54 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

hopefullromantic posted 9/12/2013 12:21 PM

As she was leaving, 'No matter how you do, I'll still love you' just popped out of my mouth.

Hmmm, a moment of unguardedness...sounds like progress!

blakesteele posted 9/13/2013 15:03 PM

(((Hopeful romantic)))) wonderful observation. Maybe that "weirdness" a BS feels, like Sisson speaks of, is that we were comfortable being vulnerable with our WS pre-a, still desire to feel that way again....but then we are reminded that we got hurt by this before.

Therefore, to do it again....even if we feel wierd occasionally about...IS a sign of progress towards a loving, supportive, unguarded relationship and....just as important.....AWAY from becoming that jaded, guarded, angry person we all know and don't want to become.

This takes courage.....Sisson, you have plenty of courage...I know this because you have shared some with me over this past year.

God be with us all.

Itstoohard posted 9/13/2013 20:00 PM

So glad to hear you are in a good place. Your words have had a big effect on me and gave helped me get thru so many days .
I have yet to say I L Y.
I can understand how you could feel "weird" but it obviously came from your heart so it cannot be anything but good.
You didn't say how your wife felt about it.

sisoon posted 9/14/2013 07:55 AM

Thanks, all.

I mentioned this to my W. I don't remember her word, but she said she felt good hearing it.

She was really happy with her audition, though she probably won't sing this year because of a scheduling conflict. The chorus director liked her voice, made some suggestions, and was very encouraging. Next year, if there are scheduling conflicts, the chorus will be probably win.

Besides, they're apparently doing Mahler's 2nd symphony this year, and she doesn't like Mahler. Her musical taste has long been an issue between us....

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy