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Shutting down and losing my mind

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Raven96 posted 9/11/2013 15:36 PM

I'm new here. My house is a mess, I have ZERO ambition, I am constantly checking my WH's whereabouts on his phone tracker, and I still have NO CLUE who I am dealing with.

Question: If you don't believe your WH is telling the truth about who OW is, and every communication with her has been deleted, how do you move on?!?!


heartache101 posted 9/11/2013 15:45 PM

Deleted from what? Computer?
Take that computer in to someone that can get it off the hard drive... FYI..

If he can't tell you what you need then well make steps to exit...It is up to you to decide what you will accept and what you won't. Not him he has no control here if he wants to R...

Quit checking his whereabouts.. If you are doing it hourly then wait 2 hours then extend it to 3 etc.
Can you contact the OW?? See if she will verify his story? Supply proof? Etc...?? I don't normally recommend talking to OW usually they just lie too...Nothing good usually comes out of it.. But it could be an option you will need to heal with or without your spouse?

Raven96 posted 9/11/2013 15:55 PM

It's a laptop. Is there a hard drive on that? (Obviously I am completely technologically challenged!)

I'd confront the OW...and it may come to that...but if he's lying about who it is, then I am getting a denial either way.

Skan posted 9/11/2013 16:22 PM

There is a hard drive on it. Erased messages can be retrieved from the hard drive by a competent technician. You can always start at a Best Buy, or, call a PI (private investigator) and ask if they have the ability or the contacts to do a retrieval on your laptop. You can also hire the PI to investigate your WH, if you want.

I see from your profile that you've given him until the end of this month to come clean. What happens if he doesn't? Have you seen a lawyer yet to find out what your rights are? What you can expect in CS and SS? That would be a very good idea knowledge is power.

Frankly, I could not move on without a timeline and the knowledge of who the OW was. I would be too fearful that it would be someone that he was seeing every day. That knowledge would be crucial (and was) for my recovery.

It may be time for you to disengage from your WH at least until the end of the month. If you have not already, look at the upper left corner for the yellow box and click on The Healing Library. Read it and pay attention to the 180. Take a look in this forum as well for articles with a bulls-eye next to them and read them. There is a good one on tactics and the 180. You need to disengage enough so that you are able to figure out what you need to heal and what you need to think about staying in this marriage.

(((hugs))) We all have your back.

Raven96 posted 9/11/2013 16:38 PM

Thanks, Skan. The last line of your post brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate that so much!

I don't know what CS or SS is. I haven't gone to a lawyer because money is kind of tight with only one income. I do kind of know what to expect, though, thanks to the situation with my stepchild.

When I left for the hotel I never thought I'd be back. I wish I'd have known about SI at that time. I didn't know I could come back with stipulations! I would have left well enough alone, except that he didn't hold up his end of the bargain when he kept deleting things after I asked him not to. I shocked him with Spotlight Search. I'm going to FLOOR him with my harddrive knowledge. (Ha! Ha!)

Just drank some water. I'm going to pick myself up now and get something done around this house. Baby steps, right??

Thanks, again!

1Faith posted 9/12/2013 09:29 AM


So sorry you are here.

Be kind to yourself right now. If the house goes a day or two that is okay.

There were many days I couldn't get out of bed, let alone shower or pick up the house.

Now is your healing time. For you.

If you don't believe your WH is being honest about the OW or the details of the A, then IMO, you can't really even begin to move on.

Has the A been revealed? Is your WH remorseful? Or in denial?

Post your story when you are ready. We are here for you.

One day at a time. Deep breaths, prayers for strength and courage and know that you are better than being treated with disrespect and lies.

You matter. You are more than enough.

Prayers and hugs

Raven96 posted 9/12/2013 19:49 PM

Thank you, 1Faith. I had thought about posting my story with my request for help, but I had just put it on my profile and typing it out made me feel really pathetic. I couldn't do it again. I shouldn't even still be here.

He keeps telling me that I "know" who the OW is. I keep telling him that I have his word on who it is, which means nothing to me. Of course it can't be the coworker. She is married, and I'm certain the company won't stand for it. Not to mention, if I truly knew, I wouldn't feel like I was going crazy.

I've asked him for definitive proof of who I am dealing with by the end of this month. If I don't get it, I'm going to have to take the next step. I did give him the book "How to help your spouse heal" tonight and asked if he would read it. He said he would if I would agree to go back to counseling. (I told him I'm not going back because he lied about not deleting stuff anymore, and if he is going to lie I'm not wasting my time and money).

Ugh! He seems to truly want R, but then he does stupid things that I specifically ask him not to in order to help me.

Yesterday was a really bad day, and I just didn't know how to cope, which is why I had to post. Today was better, but I hate not knowing what mood tomorrow will bring. I am trying to do one little chore around the house at a time. I keep thinking that if the OW wants my life so bad, she can clean this place up! (It's not THAT just needs quite a bit of attention).

I know I have it way better than so many here. We have no money for pornography, prostitutes, etc., so that's not an issue. I just hate that the people that are supposed to love us the most have hurt us the worst.

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