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Holly-Isis posted 9/11/2013 16:09 PM

This is kind of ridiculous for me to post I suppose.

I know for a fact that taking the A underground hurts deeply. That any break in NC hurts.

But for those of you who had a WS and an AP that just walked away from the A, do you ever feel like WTF? You ripped me apart and the OP doesn't even cross your mind?

For instance, after d-day MrH just kept going with the A. A month later he was in Iraq and one of the first things he did was create a new secret email and email her. Meanwhile I'm prepping for D. By the time I get proof of the secret email, I see he hasn't read her emails in a week or responded to them in two weeks. He still answered her calls (he had a work issued phone while there, I had no access to it).

Once the A ended, they both just walked away. Apparently a month later she came to a meeting held in his building she didn't have to attend, but he avoided her and the meeting.

Nothing. All the luuuuuuurv. All the fight for contact. The two secret cell phones, two secret emails, the days off to walk along the shore together. The afternoon trips to the park to kiss, the hotel to screw...the talk of M and being a stepmom to my kids...

Nothing.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate that MrH walked away from her. But the whole idea of NC being no issue just tends to make me angry. Stupid I know. They ripped me apart and it didn't even mean one bit of anything if it was so easy to walk away from.

Please don't lecture me on how stupid I am for this. I get it. But I also need someone to understand the feelings it evokes when people hurt you so deeply because they feel like having a bit of fun then act like it wasn't anything worthwhile to them anyhow.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 4:11 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

ShockedErica11 posted 9/11/2013 16:18 PM

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate that MrH walked away from her. But the whole idea of NC being no issue just tends to make me angry. Stupid I know. They ripped me apart and it didn't even mean one bit of anything if it was so easy to walk away from.

Please don't lecture me on how stupid I am for this. I get it. But I also need someone to understand the feelings it evokes when people hurt you so deeply because they feel like having a bit of fun then act like it wasn't anything worthwhile to them anyhow.

OMG, ^^^^THIS!!

You will NOT get a lecture from me!

I completely agree with you on that front. He had an LTA with OW for damn near two years and he just walked away from it just. like. that.

To this day, I still can't process that ALL of this crap was done for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You sacrificed everything for a screw and some meaningless conversation, and now we're left picking up the pieces to your fucked up mess?

Oh, yeah, I understand you completely and sympathethize like a mutha*.

cantaccept posted 9/11/2013 16:25 PM

Oh yes! That goes through my mind constantly!

He left me for her, gave up his home, his self respect, ripped me apart.

All for nothing, it was over in a few weeks.

He never even cared about her because he never even knew her.

Destroyed for nothing.

Not that I wanted it to be something!

Tearsoflove posted 9/11/2013 16:26 PM

I think it has something to do with the ability to compartmentalize. After initially breaking NC a couple of times with each (mostly for damage control) he had no problem going NC. He doesn't want to look at their pictures, read about them, or know what's going on in their lives. He told me he doesn't miss them, doesn't hate them, just doesn't care about them one way or the other.

At first, I was really disturbed (particularly with the first one, who he thought he might love) that he could just let it go like that. It made me wonder how easy walking away from me would be. We talked about that and he said it was because he never really loved either of them. He said he just told himself there were feelings to justify what he was doing because he couldn't conceive that he would hurt me unless there was love.

Really, I should have known he'd be able to compartmentalize like he does based on situations in his past with his mother and with a child he put up for adoption. I just didn't understand compartmentalization back then.

Anyway, in a lot of ways, the compartmentalization has been a gift. He isn't pining away for anyone and I don't have to worry about him renewing contact. The one time one of them tried to make contact with him (5 years after the fact), he blocked her and moved on. His understanding his boundary issues makes another affair less likely so I feel like I can move forward without looking backward.

To me, it's like he just filed both affairs away as mistakes and then, after the initial breaking of NC, shredded the files.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 4:28 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

Razor posted 9/11/2013 16:39 PM

Me too.

WW claims she *never thinks* of her LTA or OM unless I bring it up.

So the thing you did with OM for all those YEARS. All the secrets and lies. All the money spent. Him visiting my house both when I was there and when I was away. All the sneaking into my house to screw after I left for work. All the secret outings at *their beach*. The exchanging of their own rings to signify their love. All the money spent.

All the destruction that they brought into my life. All the pain this caused me. The destruction of our M. The risk brought to our children. The health risks of STDs.

And when it ended they just stopped seeing each other?

And now she *never thinks of it*?

Kelany posted 9/11/2013 16:45 PM

I never understood why my husband never went through "withdrawal" from his AP#3 (that I caught him with), why there was no fog. I just didn't GET it at all. I read stories of all the pining away, broken NC, the LURVE!!!

And my husband had none of that. Not one iota. I was like, why is it so easy for you? You're willing to ruin over our marriage and she means NOTHING to you?

Then I found out a year later, OH!!! He's DONE THIS BEFORE! He's an old hand at leaving them.

Fucker.

Sorry I'm really triggering today.

Kelany posted 9/11/2013 16:47 PM

WW claims she *never thinks* of her LTA or OM unless I bring it up.

So the thing you did with OM for all those YEARS. All the secrets and lies. All the money spent. Him visiting my house both when I was there and when I was away. All the sneaking into my house to screw after I left for work. All the secret outings at *their beach*. The exchanging of their own rings to signify their love. All the money spent.

All the destruction that they brought into my life. All the pain this caused me. The destruction of our M. The risk brought to our children. The health risks of STDs.

And when it ended they just stopped seeing each other?

And now she *never thinks of it*?

RIGHT?? WTF!!!! 4 AP's one of whom was over 2 years. And he never thinks of them?

God I wish I could compartmentalize like that.

Again. FUCKER!

Teach8 posted 9/11/2013 16:56 PM

Ditto, Holly. 7 years with same ow and now no contact. I am happy wh hasn't contacted her, but really? It was worth this incredible devestation and now you never think about her? I know exactly where you are coming from.

nowiknow23 posted 9/11/2013 16:56 PM

Please don't lecture me on how stupid I am for this.
Not the least bit stupid, Holly. It's crazymaking for it to have been important enough in the moment to nuke your world, but now is not even a passing thought. There's no making sense of it.

((((Holly))))

cuppacoffee posted 9/11/2013 17:05 PM

Doesn't it make you want to punch them in the nuts? or lady business?


I HATE that he thinks so less of her but he was willing to risk it all for her! I'm glad he doesn't think of skankface but WTF? Like she was fucking unicorns and glitter for months and now she's nothing.

Of course he could be lying.
I don't know what pissed me off more.

Kelany posted 9/11/2013 17:11 PM

Actually I feel the need to go for a long run or something. Expend this angst, LOL

And drag him along with me and wear his ass out.

I'll never get physically violent with him but I *CAN* physically exert him to feel the pain right? RIGHT?

roses303 posted 9/11/2013 17:15 PM

I completely agree with you on that front. He had an LTA with OW for damn near two years and he just walked away from it just. like. that.

To this day, I still can't process that ALL of this crap was done for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You sacrificed everything for a screw and some meaningless conversation, and now we're left picking up the pieces to your fucked up mess?

Exactly! D-day, I said you will never speak to her again and you will send a NC letter now. He did and just like that it was over. She begged for about a week but he was just done (I know that she pined over it for months, her friend recently wrote WH asking him to contact OW because she's hurting) He doesn't want anything to do with her.

So why did you throw away almost 4 years on a relationship (2 LTA during the past 7 years with the same woman) when you could just walk away. What does that say about the strength of your affections to her, to me, to anyone. How can I trust you won't just walk away from this.

cuppacoffee posted 9/11/2013 17:43 PM

I suppose a run is a better choice! I need to do that more too as well.


:no junk was punched in the making of this post:

still2suspicious posted 9/11/2013 18:56 PM

I so get this.

When I found out I did most of it wrong. But I did demand NC. Unfortunately for me I did NOT demand it immediately. So it took a few weeks, and the bitchface wrote the "I hate to lose you as a friend but maybe it's best" speech

I still wonder how he could jeopardize over 35 yrs for an LDEA, and just wipe her out of his mind.

I also wonder if, maybe, he is, once again, just been lying to me for the past 4 yrs??

brknwmn posted 9/11/2013 19:13 PM

Please don't lecture me on how stupid I am for this

I don't think you sound stupid at all. In fact I understand completely. My situation is a little different though...WH met the slutbag at a gymnastics meet...(she was a parent to another gym's competitor). They met that day and slept together that night...they kept in touch through sext messages, etc for 2 weeks until I found out...(gut feeling & checked his phone).

Anyway I called her and let her know about herself & she was so dismissive about everything (that is until I did something I'm not proud of and anonymously put her business out about her sleeping with married men and passing around STD's like popsicles & her elderly mother & gma found out)

she had the nerve to call me asking how could I do that to her! seriously?!?!?!?!
he felt bad for her & said I that i didn't have to do that to her that she didn't matter...so simple to them...their PA didn't matter...just a blip in time

glad it was only my world that got rocked.

weeping willow posted 9/11/2013 23:50 PM

But for those of you who had a WS and an AP that just walked away from the A, do you ever feel like WTF? You ripped me apart and the OP doesn't even cross your mind?

I sure do feel like "WTF". The day I confronted Mr. willow, he called her and dumped her (that's where the trash belonged, in the dump) in a 2 minute conversation! That was it! They never spoke to each other or saw each other after that. Of course, at that time, I didn't know about SI or NC, so I didn't even demand NC. He just did it on his own. Wow, that sure must have been some luuuuurve, to dismiss it so easily!

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate that MrH walked away from her. But the whole idea of NC being no issue just tends to make me angry. Stupid I know. They ripped me apart and it didn't even mean one bit of anything if it was so easy to walk away from.

Ditto. Except for the "Stupid I know" part. There's nothing *stupid* about you or me.

(((((((Holly))))))

Lovedyoumore posted 9/12/2013 00:43 AM

I some times worry about the person he is that could just leave someone that he was professing love to, they discussed their future, and marriage and she discussed children. Good grief, he turned it off in 2 hours? What if the sudden departure left undone feelings that will crop back up later? I worry about everything related to the A and it's resolution.

I guess I should not be surprised he left her so quickly because he sure left me In a fast minute to get with her. He just turned off 30 years in a heartbeat. He says he was out of his right mind. Yeah, whatever you say.

nekorb posted 9/12/2013 05:16 AM

My first thought was that perhaps they had a fight...serves them right...I hope it just adds to the guilt if that's the case!

I can't imagine anyone here thinking you are stupid for having feelings.

My husband told me one day that if he left me for her, he couldn't even guarantee that the relationship would work out between them. I thought- but you're willing to walk out on a 24 year relationship anyway? It was really hurtful. I get it.

TrustGone posted 9/12/2013 08:01 AM

I so get how you are feeling. My WH#2 even gave the slut an engagement ring that she couldn't wait to rub in my face after she outed the A on DDay#1. Then he took it underground for almost another year.

After DDay#2 he dropped her like a hot potato. I just kept wondering where was the love that he professed to her? How could he turn love off and on like he did. It is crazy making for sure.

He says now that he never loved her. He was just using her for sex. I think how can someone with a conscience do that to someone. Not that I care she was hurt, I hope she hurts until the day she dies, but that doesn't say alot for WH#2. It also doesn't make me feel safe in our marriage that he can hurt others so badly, then just walk away. The OW even tried to break NC back in April and he called her voice mail and told her to leave us the hell alone. She hasn't called again as far as I know and he goes on like none of it ever happened. It's just amazing how they can compartmentalize it. He also never grieved for her or acted like he missed her. It makes no sense to us because we don't think that way is the only thing that I can come up with. If someone else, a WS who did this, has an answer then I would love to hear it myself. (((HUGS)))

million tears posted 9/12/2013 09:17 AM

I understand how you are feeling too. My WH had a 2 year PA, lurved her, planned on being together in the future yet dumped her on D-day and never spoke another word to her. After being away from her for a couple of weeks all he could say is what a bitch she was and how mean and nasty. He would get irritated when she would try to contact him through friends and even threw up once while admitting to oral sex with her.

Oh, ok. I had my life ruined for that?

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