Just had my IC appointment today, and I’m angrier than ever. Not at my IC; she is a brilliant woman who is incredibly insightful (we’ll be working on incorporating my Buddhist practice and managing my emotions next week). I’m angry as hell at my mother because I am now realizing just how fucked up my childhood was and how insidious some of my childhood conditioning was that now reflects itself in my current relationship.
I realize that there are things that I really haven’t forgiven her about; I mentioned this in a previous posting that I did. I realize that there were some pretty fucked up, horrible, unnecessary things that she did, and still does, to this day that affects me and how I react to people situations and even how I acted in terms of my marriage. I’ll explain, of course:
When we were kids my mom often (I believe I said this in my other posting) undercut any happy memories we had as children with a negative thought (“Wasn’t it great when we played on the lake at (**) Park?” “Oh, your father was trying to kill you, didn’t you know?”). So that many of my memories are now tainted. Furthermore, she made it seem like it was such a sacrifice that she was making for her children to be there for us when we needed her (“Hey, mom, do you mind not going out and clubbing all the time? We kind of want you at home.” “Oh, how dare you! After everything I went through to get custody of you two, and you tell me that I can’t go out and have a little fun!!”). So that, it became a normality for me to sacrifice my wants and desires because of the “sacrifices” that someone else has made on my behalf without ever considering my own set of sacrifices; this, of course, ties into WH and a conversation we had WAAAAAY back when DD was some months old and I was attempting to network in order to pursue owning my own business, and he told me that we both were working SO hard and that we didn’t see each other that he really wished we could be at home more. So, I promptly stopped going to networking events, and he promptly started working twice as much. I gave up something because I had been pre-conditioned to view my “sacrifices” (i.e. being a full-time student, a full-time employee with an asshole of a boss, full-time mother, daughter, friend, fiancée; cooking, cleaning, etc, etc.) as “nothing” in comparison to the sacrifices that others were making on my behalf. I had gotten resentful of all the time that WH spent outside of the home, making friends, networking and having his “free time” to pursue his interests while I had given up my rights to do so because he DID express that the type of work I was doing (a legal assistant) wasn’t NEARLY as hard as him being a waiter.
So, I’m used to being “oppressed” in my relationships; it’s comfortable to me to have someone restrict me from doing the things I want because that was my mother: restrictive, unyielding and faultless in all the things that she was doing because she was a long suffering martyr on our behalf.
Oh, FOO issues, how I love thee. /sarcasm