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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Never forgiven me for anything!
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night he came round. He admitted that he feels very hurt by me (yes me, the BS!!)and it turns out this is because he has not forgiven me for anything in our 14 year marriage!

Well that explains why it went down the pan then.

In his mind, I've hurt him throughout the years. Well he's hurt me a lot too, even apart form his A, but I just believed him when he said sorry and forgave him. He didn't do the same for me.

And (my thinking) he's held onto this mountain of small hurts until he felt it justified him having the A and is still holding onto it so that he can continue to blame me for the mess he's in. And as a way of keeping me distant emotionally (which is why I think he failed to forgive me all these years - fear of real intimacy).

But you know what? I had no clue. Not a clue, all these years.

Thing is, this could be a small step forward, if he actually does something about it. He asked how to forgive someone.

However, he's still in contact with COW (as a friend) and he knows how much that insults and hurts me. And I've made it very clear in the last few days that if he knows that it hurts me and he still does it, he is intentionally hurting me. And so despite this big revelation about needing to forgive both me and himself...he's going to an extended weekend wedding where COW and her circle of friends will be.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1118 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
gma56
♀ 19595
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He definitely is blameshifting to justify his choices. But they are still choices. no one held him down to cheat, lie, and destroy his marriage. He did that himself and he's not owning his own shit sandwich he made.
As long as he has COW in his life, he has more than learning to forgive to work on.

...he's going to an extended weekend wedding where COW and her circle of friends will be.
If he left you with any doubts, this is enough for you to know how important you and the marriage is to him. Believe his actions never his word. He's a proven liar to you so they mean nothing.
Big Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20387 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First he shifted blame on to you (baiting the hook), then he's going to go off cavorting with COW and pals (setting the hook)? Now he wants to reel you in & watch you dance the "Pick me!" dance.

Get off the dance floor. He's already made his choice (COW). You shouldn't be manipulated like this anymore.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10153 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made it clear last night that I wouldn't consider doing anything with him whilst he's friends with COW or her circle of friends. That he's free to choose her, but he can't have me too.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1118 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good! Then you know what I'd do? I move his belongings into a spare room, garage, shed in the backyard while he's gone this weekend. That way he'll get the message loud & clear that you will not tolerate his actions another moment.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10153 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He asked how to forgive someone.

One of the 3 best books I ever read: "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To" by Janis Abrahms Spring.

"Offenders will learn how to perform bold, humble, heartfelt acts of repair to earn forgiveness, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, and taking responsibility for their offense. Hurt parties will learn to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong, and create opportunities for the offender to make good."

She covers Genuine Forgiveness, Acceptance and Cheap Forgiveness. Great read!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a boob! At best, he still gets an ego boost from her. At worst, he's still banging the whore.

I'm sorry this is still happening to you.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the 3 best books I ever read: "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To" by Janis Abrahms Spring.
"Offenders will learn how to perform bold, humble, heartfelt acts of repair to earn forgiveness, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, and taking responsibility for their offense. Hurt parties will learn to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong, and create opportunities for the offender to make good."


Ironically, I have done this for him. I saw that he was 'stuck' and kept blaming me for hurting him (nothing big btw, just the normal stuff) so I apologised very clearly listing out my faults and how I'd hurt him in our marriage. I needed to know,for me, that I'd given it everything. I've also worked on those flaws in me and will keep working on them, regardless of whether my M survives. WH knows and has acknowledged the changes I've made.

WH does say sorry, but his actions don't match up.

Yet isn't it ironic that I forgive him all the time (I don't want to hold onto all that hate etc) but he can't forgive me?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1118 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
HurtsButImOK
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got this crap too. Total, complete and utter BS

Apparently I was never forgiven for breaking up with him 16 years ago after we had only dated a few months. He love bombed me, I finally (stupidly) caved and agreed to go out with him again. So basically I never had a chance, he never forgave me for breaking up with him. It therefore justified all his crap and shitty treatment.

Well, thanks for that buttercup, it would have been nice to have gotten that memo 15 years ago. Dick.

Personally I don't think its that he cant forgive you for whatever transgression(s) he thinks you have committed over the years, I think it is that he doesn't want to because it suits him to feel like the poor hard done by delicate petal.

FTG


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You see, the good thing about me doing the big apology etc, is that I know I've done my part. All this unforgiveness, it's his choice.

When he asked about how to forgive, I told him that holding onto hurt and anger is like holding onto a shield. We use it to protect us from others and we use it to push them away. Then we don't have to worry about getting hurt because we don't let anyone get close. To forgive, we have to be willing to put the shield down and be vulnerable. WH said that he was scared, scared of being hurt again. I told him I understood that (obviously!) but that it's a choice, either to never let anyone in, or to forgive.


I know that he's scared of being vulnerable and also, the 'hurt' gives him a 'reason' to do what he likes, knowing it hurts me. He can tell himself that I've hurt him too, so it's ok.

The reality is, it's not ok. The reality is that he could chose to forgive, but he doesn't want to. And hasn't wanted to for all of his life. He's never forgiven ANYONE. I think this is how some WS allow themselves to have such an entitled attitude - as far as WH is concerned, anyone who ever hurts him gives him justification to hurt them back. They owe him.

He must be in some kind of cognitive dissonance right now though: he can't match up his feeling hurt and holding on to unforgiveness, with knowing I've apologised and have made sincere changes, while he has hurt me and hasn't done the same. I'm just praying that God breaks through, because nothing else does.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1118 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a typical WS using the typical WS excuses for his behaviors. Don't buy into any of that bullshit.

She never listened to me about how shitty my job was. This gives me an excuse to cheat.

She never cared about my fishing hobby or supported all of my half assed dreams. This gives me an excuse to cheat.

She never liked my family. Even if they treated her like shit for years. This gives me an excuse to cheat.

She would never support my weekly drinking binges. This gives me an excuse to cheat.

She shrunk my favorite shirt 5 years ago. This gives me an excuse to cheat.

She leaves the toothpaste off all the time. This gives me an excuse to cheat.

The toilet seat is always down. This gives me an excuse to cheat.

And on and on the list will go. Read up on NC in the healing library. No conversations with him that does not have to do with the kids or finances. He is unremorseful and pissed that you wont let him eat his cake. He will use anything to have that slice of said cake. He will use niceness, guilt, bullying etc. etc. etc. to get what he wants. Don't fall for it.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5906 | Registered: Nov 2007
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he has not forgiven me for anything in our 14 year marriage!

My book recommendation was for him, not you.

I apologised very clearly listing out my faults and how I'd hurt him in our marriage. I needed to know,for me, that I'd given it everything.

He cheated -- and *you* offered up an apology?

Great, you've done your part ... now sit back and watch his actions.

he's going to an extended weekend wedding where COW and her circle of friends will be.

He wants to move into a flat for 6 months (he's currently living with his parents) to give himself some headspace to think and figure out what he does want.

From the outside looking in, I see a man who's pursuing exactly what he wants: a bachelor pad and OW willing to settle.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two words: Passive Aggressive.
If you haven't checked out the thread, please do. Sounds like it could appliy to your H.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the funny thing about COW...she doesn't really want him, it was friends with benefits, she doesn't want commitment and...he, um, didn't do very well, performancewise

It's really egokibbles because she's hot and he's had her and they still flirt but she doesn't want to go there, long-term....Plus I may have told her that he'd had the snip and wouldn't be a good sperm donor


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1118 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two words: Passive Aggressive.
If you haven't checked out the thread, please do. Sounds like it could appliy to your H.

yup, that's him. Of course, he can't admit it. Things would be very different if he could face it.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1118 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 15

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