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Newest Member: Thranduilion (61515)

User Topic: Trickle Truth
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I was just thinking how pathetic it was that I kept the entire truth from my husband for a year. what kind of person has to manipulate the information their spouse has so they can stay married? How pathetic is that? It's like loserville!
Not only does this damage our spouse but holy cow, what does it say about us!?
If there are any waywards out there that haven't given it all up, consider this even for just your own benefit. Do you really want to be this person?

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 40394
Member # 40394
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lied so many times, and each time I told her I was telling everything. It got so bad on some things I would forget what I said. Something I think about daily is when she asks how she can trust me... I can't give her an answer that helps. If I was her I wouldn't trust myself either. The affair broke the trust, telling lies about all of it just completely shattered any remaining trust. I'm ashamed of myself for the lies, and then the manipulation on my part for making here question whether or not I was telling everything.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013
Darkness Falls
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On D-day I minimized (lied about) 2 pieces of information that my XH already knew the full answer to. It was totally self-protection and a pathetic attempt to cover my ass. He told me that those lies were one of the reasons he wanted a divorce---that even after I was busted, I still couldn't be honest. I never lied about anything else regarding the A after D-day, but the damage was done.

Trickle truth kills.

WS, 5-month EA/PA '09-'10

Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH

1 1/2-year-old daughter and another baby girl on the way

Posts: 4503 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
♂ 40181
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it's pretty awful. I did the TT thing for a month and in the end the lies I told before and after dday did more damage than the affair itself.

Those lies were selfish and about self-protection, but they ultimately made things ever so much worse. To answer the original question, no, I don't want to be that person.

Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 275 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here....thank you for posting this. TT has caused pretty close to equal damage to all involved here as the actual acts of adultery have. It continues to affect our R efforts....

Unfortunately, the wisdom of NOT trickle trothing appears to be only gained through personal, WS cant get that from hearing others talk about it or reading it in a book.

Still...I sincerely appreciate you posting this here...if it helps just one marriage avoid this dreadful act from becoming part of their past it is sooooo worth your effort.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:05 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ 31529
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been getting TT for 3 years now. I think that the most damaging thing-other than never being able to rebuild trust- is that eventually you get desensitized. It stops hurting and you stop caring. That's what really kills a relationship, detachment.

Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here.
(((rachelc))) I take my hat off to you.
I would give anything for my WH to have an insight like this.
He just wants to sweep it all under the rug.
I believe that it would be very healing to both of us & to our marriage, to be able to talk about this. It would help both WS & BS.

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2478 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 40050
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had 5 D-Days with TT all the way. It's been five months since I found out and it was just two days ago that he told me the FINAL whole truth. I don't have a lot of faith that it's really the truth now. He's destroyed my ability to trust him. He's caused me PTSD, lost of respect for him but more importantly, for myself. I'm ashamed of myself for giving him so many chances to give me what I need, the truth of my marriage, the truth about the man to whom I'm married, and the ability to make a decision on the real facts, not his whitewashed version of his behavior and character.

I'm a grown woman. I don't need to be lied to. I don't want him in control of our outcome if it's done with lies. He can control the outcome with honesty, empathy, compassion, love, and comfort. Or leave.

[This message edited by Sadwife222 at 4:23 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

Me BW, Him WH (sosorry54)
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 35526
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I got all that shit from my XWW. TT, gross lies, deceptions coordinated with her enabling "friends", contempt, denial, and lies, lies, and more lies.

I gave her a chance for reconciliation and she was probably texting with the adultery guy within minutes after agreeing to do so. Why she bothered to agree to it at all is baffling.

Fuck. That. Shit.

After that I wasn't going to deal with this fucking horror show anymore. As heartbroken as I was, I knew I was divorcing her. I didn't know this person. I didn't need this dishonest shit in mine, or my children's lives any more. This was the female role model for my kids?

For any WS's who are still lying or TT'ing - knock it off. You are simply demonstrating grand cowardice and you will pass that on to your children if you don't stop and be completely honest with your BS. But the one you have to be the most brutally honest with is yourselves.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 642 | Registered: May 2012
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As scary as it is for us to come clean after lying for so long, it is the right thing to do.

And only after you are completely truthful can true healing begin.

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55123 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 10

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