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User Topic: Is it bad to just not feel like doing the work?
SmallButStrong
♀ 40128
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately I feel like I just don't have the energy to do the work: to fight the mind movies, to replace the negative thoughts with the positive, to look forward instead of backward, etc.

It has been almost a year, and he's been doing everything right. It's just me. I'm drained.

I just asked him for a few days of space. He's at his mom's. Last night was such a peaceful night. I felt present with my kids and felt happy. There was no heaviness in my heart. It was scary to feel so good without him.

How long can I take a break before it starts affecting our R? I wanted a few days to breathe, but he feels like he's being punished and I don't want him to feel that way.

Has anyone done separation for a short time just to get a break from it all? Did it work?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjsr
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me like you have hit a big plain of lethal flatness. Its up to you how long you stay there and even if you get off the plain.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
looking forward
♀ 25238
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a reason why dealing with infidelity is called a roller coaster!
You are experiencing normal ups and downs - right now you are down.
I think that having some space is definitely needed. It is not a punishment for your H; it is his guilt that is verbalizing.
Take time for yourself, even if it's for a few days, even longer if that's what YOU need.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2862 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((smallbutstrong)))

float now.


I totally get your feeling.

I liken it to swimming...sometimes you just need to back float and catch your breath.

If you are like me you may FALSELY think this is giving up, that you have failed, that you are not as strong as you thought you were. THIS IS WRONG!

The truth is you need a rest. And even as you rest work is progressing.

At the very least rest gives your body...physical body and spiritual body...a chance to repair the damage it has sustained over the past year.

Both my fWW and I have felt this. This is tough, tough, tough work.

Try and get your head around the fact that floating is good.

I kayak a lot. Even when I don't paddle I move down the river....try and find a way to own that thought for yourself.

I will pray for you tonight.

God be with you and your WS.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is scary to feel good without your spouse around.

I, too, have felt that.

Too many reasons to list as to why this occurs....just wanted to let you know it occurred in me as well.

One reason that is almost a given....our WS hurt us like no other person could. That fact alone has to carry some of the weight behind why we feel more at peace when they are not around.

Yes, I know you are 1 year out. I am too. But this first year was wacked....it was 12 months but, for me anyway, it really was only about the last 4 months that I really started to accept that adultery is now part of our marital past and started working on changing things within myself that I desire to change.

I did the whole....blaming myself, begging, embarrassed, raging, self introspection, raging, sad, self introspection, raging....thing for much of this year. All part of the process...but not core to doing work on my marriage.

Simply not able to work on my marriage with so many other issues and emotions.

Self control....something new to me as well...had to be worked on.

Dang...I am rambling. Just trying to convey you are not crazy, you are not alone, you are feeling what I have felt...and still feel some days.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SmallButStrong
♀ 40128
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you blakesteele, and thank you all.

This break was definitely needed, for whatever the reason. My co-workers today noticed that I was snapping to the music and had a smile on my face. Apparently they noticed the peace I had today having a break from the pain. I feel guilty celebrating this peace, but heck, I'll take peace over chaos any day!!

Thank you all, SI friends...


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Word of caution....you mentioned co-workers noticed you. At times, through this journey, I have noticed how people respond differently to me....more affectionate, more desire to hang around me. This is not my ego at work here...it does happen, and I think you got a glimpse of that. MAYBE it happened before and I was just to blind to see it....I cant say for sure. I just know I notice it now.

My caution comes because this attention feels good and I think that is healthy. But...if it comes from someone of the opposite sex....don't let your guard down, don't let boundaries slip.

Hate to jump to conclusions here....but for me it felt, feels really good now when a woman notices me. I have always been firm on boundaries with women....but have been tempted to let them move some....

I don't think any of us are totally immune from making mistakes regarding what we are all going through.


Probably don't need to mention this to you, but felt like passing along this wisdom....just in case.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:31 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SmallButStrong
♀ 40128
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work in an office that is 98% female, so a workplace affair is virtually impossible for me. So not to worry - it was female friends who noticed!

I have, however, been complemented by men more in the last year than I have since I've been married. Not sure what kind of energy I am emitting or if it's just the enemy trying to tempt me...but of course it feels nice.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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