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Help me move past this

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Alyssamd24 posted 9/11/2013 18:00 PM

It's been a week since I confronted xAPs BW and was forced to resign my position at my job.

Things with me and BH are going as well as can be expected...we are communicating, he is asking questions that I am answering honestly and I am trying my hardest to do whatever he needs.

I have not contacted xAP or his BW and do not intend to. I have also blocked him on every single thing I can and am hoping to change my phone number at some point.

The problem is I still have so much anger towards him and want nothing more than to tell him off and let him know exactly how I feel. I know that I can't do this though. What else can I do to get past the anger and hurt and move on? It's still bothering me and I hate that....especially since I know it's killing my BH..I can't imagine what it's like for him to see me upset about something xAP did....I try not to let it get to me cuz I don't want to upset BH, but if he asks I also don't want to lie. I don't know what to do.

Darkness Falls posted 9/11/2013 18:29 PM


I felt similarly to you in the beginning of my journey post-A. I was angry at the AP and even wrote that in my SI bio...something like, "I hate the OM for what he remorselessly contributed to destroying" or something to that effect.

I came to the realization that the OM didn't do anything "to" me, didn't do anything that I didn't allow and even gladly encourage. Sad to say, I was very much the driver of the A bus in my situation. This may not be true for yours, but what I believe to be true across the board is that being angry at the OM for something that simply could not have happened without your participation is a waste of time and energy.

You don't have to lie to your BH about your feelings, but maybe emphasize that the way you're feeling now is something you're working to overcome. Maybe also list specific things you're doing to overcome it---such as, mentally replacing thoughts (even negative ones) of OM with thoughts of your BH and your M; focusing on YOUR behaviors and thought processes during the A rather than what the OM did wrong and formulating ways to change/readjust these things going forward; any work you're doing on strengthening boundaries and renewing/relearning to live by your moral code; any self-improvement steps such as exercise, reading/education, parenting, taking up a new hobby or learning a new skill, your job hunt; etc. In other words, put the focus on yourself, your BH, and the M, and take it away from the OM and his M and your former job and all of that past baggage.

It takes time and won't change overnight, but it can be done. Remember, being angry at the OM, even if he doesn't know about it, is still giving him power over you and your marriage. Take that power back and redirect it for good.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/11/2013 19:06 PM

Thank you heartbroken. I appreciate the advice and will use it. I think it's safe to say I was also the driver of the A bus..or I thought I was. I understand that it was my decisions and selfishness that caused the A and he couldn't have done any of it had I not let him.

My anger and hurt is coming from what happened after I confronted his BW...he denied the A and told her I was blackmailing him and "accosted" him in the hallway. I'm 5 ft tall and weigh 100 lbs....not exactly a threat to anyone!!!

I am trying so hard to replace my negative thoughts of him with good ones of my BH and our R...reminding myself that if his BW chooses to believe him and let him continue with his lies that's her own choice.....but I am struggling that someone who "truly cared about and loved me" would do something like that. Stupid? Yes cuz obviously he was a douchebag anyways, but these are the thoughts that I realize are unhealthy and ridiculous and am trying to change.

I also think a lot of the anger is at could I have been so stupid and naive to have fallen for it?

Darkness Falls posted 9/11/2013 19:29 PM

My anger and hurt is coming from what happened after I confronted his BW...he denied the A and told her I was blackmailing him and "accosted" him in the hallway.

My apologies...I missed this.

Don't get me wrong---I understand you being angry, especially in light of the above information. That was a jackass move for sure. It's a valid and reasonable feeling.

Reconciliation (even, as was my case in the first 2 years post-D-day, solely reconciliation with oneself) is very difficult and energy-consuming and emotionally & mentally draining. I just hate to see any of that precious energy being channeled toward people who are not a part of the potential solution. This IMO goes not just for AP but also family, friends, and acquaintances who are not "friends of the marriage"---there's just no time or energy for it, IMO.

Easier said than done, I know. It's a process.

In the beginning I was fixated on how rotten it was that no one in my OM's life had any sort of problem with what he had done. He was getting kudos from his family as though he were in some kind of Disney fairy tale; he was getting high fives from his friends as though he were a big man on campus; life remained completely unchanged for him while mine was blown to bits. I daydreamed about scenarios where he could walk in my shoes for awhile. It was a process to work through.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/11/2013 19:38 PM

No apologies needed, I forgot to mention that part!

It sounds like our feelings are/were very similar. I want desperately to move past these feelings because I want to be indifferent about my xap but I don't know how to even start the process. What did you do,if you don't mind me asking?

Mrs Panda posted 9/11/2013 20:16 PM

I was angry at AP for a long time. Waaaay to long. Like two years. Angry for rejecting me, for throwing me under the bus. Angry for moving on and dating a girl prettier than me. Angry for fucking up my life.

But, see, all that anger was misdirected . I made the choice to be with this person and I knew what he was. It is easier to be angry at someone else than ourselves .

Every time I thought of him, I thought of my BH's pain. I envisioned the anger he had, the tears he had shed over me. And with time I realized the anger I had was a terribly selfish thing. And I replaced t with empathy.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 4:49 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

Darkness Falls posted 9/11/2013 20:24 PM

What did you do,if you don't mind me asking?

A big part of the path to indifference was simply the passage of time. The more time passed, the more indifferent I became.

In the early months, I was proactive in replacing negative thoughts of the AP with positive thoughts toward myself---newfound pride in myself, what I was accomplishing, how I was learning and growing, etc. How I was changing. Examining myself and the thought and behavior processes that led to my cheating.

The more my life changed and the further away I got from the circumstances of the A, the less the AP mattered.

inconnu posted 9/11/2013 20:56 PM

Help me move past this

It's far better, and healthier, to move through it than past it.

Anger masks other emotions. Start with figuring out what you really feel. I've found that the simple act of naming and acknowledging what I truly feel often frees me from the anger.

Trying33 posted 9/12/2013 03:34 AM

.....but I am struggling that someone who "truly cared about and loved me" would do something like that

I really had a hard time with this too and 10 months on it's getting much better. During the end of the A and whilst things were about to blow up, a few days before D-day, I specifically remember wailing down the phone "but this is real, it's real to me". I guess it was at the time and it was as real as we allowed it to be.. in our heads.

What's helped me to move on is to put it in perspective and to process it.. The things I really wanted from life were not there. What kind of a love is that? How can you really "care for and love someone" when they are not 100% with you?

I know this is simplistic and probably the focus should be more on how the BS is feeling but for me focussing on how it was all in my head and it could never have been sustained, that maybe at THAT time the feelings "felt" real but in fact they weren't and what kind of a person had I become?

I know what you're going through. Don't take it personally. One SI poster once told me, I was just a "casualty of war" in the whole drama that was the A. One of the best things I heard at that time.

It isn't about YOU, it's about him saving HIS OWN ass.

JustDesserts posted 9/12/2013 05:51 AM

^^^^^^ What Trying & Panda wrote. Words of wisdom and experience.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/12/2013 08:22 AM

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and support. It helps to know that others have felt similar to what I do, and it helps even more to know that it passes.

I have been trying to change my thinking and focusing on my BH and our marriage. I am in awe of the support he has given me, even though I am the one who has damaged us and hurt him so deeply.

I am also going to focus on the changes I am trying to make in myself. I have left that job and hoping to start my new job soon (though it's the slowest process ever). I am also thinking of possibly finding a new C, and am going to continue to try to figure out how I got to this point.

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