I am gutted. Rationally I know it is blame shifting and rewriting of martial history. Irrationally I feel like I am almost back to dday. I want to curl up and cry. I am crying and I have before but this time is different. I feel myself being dragged back down the hole that I started to climb out of. I have cried so hard that I have broken blood vessels around my eyes. I hope they clear up do I can take my child to playgroup in the morning.
Our fight- he is out of town, my mind goes a little cray cray when he does, I asked him questions about what he did, locations, etc. When I kept asking questions, he blew up. Nothing he does is good enough, he tell me the answers and still I want more. Yes I do. I want answers and sympathy and understanding verbalized to me. I don't want to feel irrational for asking questions, I want to know that you are okay with me asking questions until my mind can calm and think clearly again. But answers only should be good enough. Obviously it isn't good enough to me.... I want too much. To quote him "I will never be what those people on SI are like. That just isn't me."
[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 12:55 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]
I would be doing some underground verification of where he is and what he is doing. Big hugs.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway
That coupled with now telling me our relationship was bad. I can't handle it.
[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 1:21 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]
I have told her so many times how to react, what I need to hear. I think we are all on the same page. Instead of going on the defensive, tell me what you did, tell me I'm okay with your questions baby, I want you to trust me again. I love you, and will never hurt you again. That would go such a long way.
I believe my emotions got stirred and heightened due to on going issue related to in laws. He wanted to table it until mc. I tried but it was on the backburner simmering away until it caught on fire again.
I want too much. To quote him "I will never be what those people on SI are like. That just isn't me."
I can totally relate to this. My W has said this often... even using specific FWW's names in discussions/fights we've had.
The truth is though, is that she has done most of the work, and is mostly remorseful. I can't say 100% consistency, but pretty damn close.
And in a way, she's right. When I first joined, I definitely developed a "template" of what a model wayward was, and expected her to fit that to a T. It took a while, but I did recognize there is no such thing as a 'model' here, and the way she expresses her remorse is different and unique to her. Not bad, just not as "blatant" as I would have liked.
Just remember that R is a process, for both of you. Sure, there are minimum requirements we BS have to put a stake in the ground on, and those are non-negotiable (NC, transparency, etc.). But some things are a little more gray, IMO, like how a WS demonstrates remorse.
Yes, when marriages are weak, terrible things can happen and so many of us are vulnerable - hell! I considered messing around in 2011 - but I didn't.
BUT...he chose to have an A. He did. Not bc of anything you did. If you brought some things to the M that require work, then you work them out in IC or read or talk to us. But he has to do the work too. Is he in IC?
As long as YOU believe that his choice to cheat is his to own then I truly believe you will be okay in the long run.
I hope you made it to playgroup. (so hard when you have little ones at home to tend too).
Tonight he says I wouldn't have cheated if our relationship wasn't bad.
First clue that your WS isn't ready to R. Readiness comes when the WS finds what it was within themselves that allowed them to choose an A over other options (talking about problems, counseling or D). Relationship go through good and bad moments. But the choices we make in how we respond to those moments are what define us, not the moments themselves.
he is out of town, my mind goes a little cray cray when he does, I asked him questions about what he did, locations, etc.
Two paths to choose from as a WS when this happens. Discuss the answers openly, calmly, and as many times as you need to until your BS is satisfied with the answers. Or get defensive. The latter generally happens with either the WS fog is still in place, or especially when something is still happening that the WS would fear would be exposed to the BS.
he blew up. Nothing he does is good enough, he tell me the answers and still I want more.
At the time of my A, I was traveling about 75% for work. Even in a fog, I still offered things to my BW to try to make her feel safer in some way. I offered to text on a regular basis. I answered questions as to my whereabouts and what I was doing. I even offered to have the webcam on my laptop set up and aimed at the hotel bed so she could see I was sleeping at night and not doing something wrong. She didn't take up the last one, and said she'd feel it was a little creepy to watch me sleep. The point is, she knew it was an option if it would make her feel better.
"I will never be what those people on SI are like. That just isn't me."
So here's the one question I would ask. If "those SI people" aren't him, than what IS him? He needs to share that self awareness with you so you can decide if that is the life you can live with or not.
I still make plenty of mistakes as a person. I still piss off my BW from time to time. But the one thing I will never do is deny her the right to ask me questions, and to not be satisfied until the answer I can provide makes sense.