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Newest Member: Schattenfell (61077)

User Topic: WH's IC and secrets
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel upset about my WH's IC appt. I don't even know if I'm "allowed" to feel anything about it, but I do.

We had a very rough weekend in terms of my emotional state. It was partly triggered by some old (pre DD) FB posts I found between him and 2 OW. I had specifically asked about contact with these two women and he said no. He claims he forgot. I kinda believe him but I'm not sure. Trust is even more shaken now.

He had IC today and they talked about the bad weekend but not what triggered it. That bugs me. I feel it's important that he own his crap (lies, bad memory, whatever) to his IC.

I asked what else they talked about and he said he'd rather not talk about it now.

My heart is pounding. Triggering hard. He knows I'm upset but feels he deserves privacy in this.

Does he? I'm so confused!

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 1127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the thing...

IC is really for your WH. And the problem with IC is that the counselor will help your WH with whatever your WH brings to the IC.

For example, this means that if your WH is there and not really working on 'WHY' he did this, his IC will not be working on why either.

You can't really control what your WH brings to his IC and you can't control what he tells you about his sessions either.

For all you know, he could be there saying he's torn, doesn't know what he wants, etc..

I am NOT saying this is what he IS saying, only that he could be saying anything and you won't know.

MC, however, is the place for the two of you to come together and to work on the M. MC is the place to address the fact that he did not bring up what sparked the trigger or whatever else may be upsetting you at the time.

Some people are more private than others. I personally share a lot of my IC with my WH but that is because I talk about how I feel a lot. I guess there are some people who don't share as much.

The thing is... how is your WH aside from his IC? Is he remorseful and doing everything he can be doing?

Are you in IC? I really cannot say enough how much IC has helped me. I am so much stronger now. I highly recommend it. IC could also be the place where you discuss how much this upset you. KWIM?

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:06 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 2038 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC is a place for my husband to feel safe as it is a place for me to feel safe. If I want to share what I talked about, I do. If I don't, I don't. If he wants to share, he does. If not, he doesn't. I have no expectations of him sharing his IC sessions with me and I do not consider him keeping secrets from me. We come together in MC to talk about US and for US to feel safe.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 37166
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you are feeling. My fwh had so many secrets and he never shared his emotional feelings with me. When he had his IC appt days there would be an elephant in the room when he would come home. He would never even mention anything.
I would say hope your appt went well, his response was always thanks.
I would make me sad that after all these years he still couldn't open up to me.
I didn't expect a transcript of the whole secession, just to know it was helping him
He said he didn't want to tell me because it was like he was at the end of a firing range!

So, with a lot of soul searching and the help of my IC, I explained to my fwh that I understand his IC appts are for him and to help him but if he can't open up to me emotionally, we will never have a complete relationship.

He had told his IC about 6 months ago his goal was to replace him (his IC) with me. Be able to discuss and share with me his feeling, but he was not trying.

After I explained to him all I want is to open up to me and know I am not his enemy and will not judge, just listen, maybe it would help me understand why we are at this point in our relationship and how we got here, he has shared things with me which has made both of us feel closer to each other.

I understand MC is for the couple but I truly believe if you want an open, honest relationship, both physical and emotional then sharing what you have learned is a huge milestone.

Fwh doesn't get defensive anymore because I don't ask and I give him time to process his secession and most of the time he will text me after and say he has some things he wants to talk about.

It makes me very happy :)

Me-BS (51) (44 first DD)
Him-WH (52) (45 first DD)
Together 35 years
Son 23
Daughter 20
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's ok if he gives you a general idea as to what he is working on in IC. I understand it's "private" but for a newly betrayed wife..privacy is scary. He had privacy before..and look what he did..right?

So..I get it. But I also think it's important that he feel safe to talk about his issues...that is why he is there.

I think what you're really upset it..because you don't know what he is talking are worried he is questioning if he loves you,wants the marriage,this life,etc. If you felt he was talking about some childhood issue..or whatever..would you feel more..relieved?

I think it's important for a WS to make their BS feel safe. Especially this close to your dday. I think it's ok to expect him to give you a general idea..but not details.


FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 38162
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you are allowed to feel hurt! You feel what you feel. I would definitely be upset if fWH didn't tell his IC the whole story about anything. Finding messages when your H said he didn't have contact with these OW is TT.

If he couldn't remember whether there was contact, he should have said, "Morhurt, I can't remember for sure. Please give me time and I will check. Anything I find, I will show you immediately."

He absolutely should have confessed this TT to his IC. Otherwise, what's the point of the money and time he's spending on counseling? IC right now is not for him to get support or vent about a difficult weekend. It's for him to dig deep to find his whys, and work hard at becoming completely open and honest with himself and with you.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that IC has to be private, but I think there are limits when cheating is concerned.

One of my requirements for R was that my W sign a release as follows:

1. C must return my calls.
2. IC will answer my questions, although its OK for her to say she'll give me answers only in a joint counseling session.
3. IC will call me if my W rescinds the release.
4. IC will call me if W reveals another A.
5. Ws IC is our MC, so she (our MC, W's IC) can bring anything from an IC session into an MC session.

I was once in a therapy group in which one member told his W he wanted to R but told us his goal was to decide between W and ow. I want to make sure that I can talk to my W's IC about W's goals and progress, and the signed release allows me to do that.

I think virtually all WSes need IC, and I think every BS with a WS in IC should get this sort of release.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I went to counseling he asked and probed. It pissed me off. I told him the world didn't evolve around him. I felt my sessions were mine! But I am a private person.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3225 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 8

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