I really am not sure he Is truly remorseful. He is putting on a good show but that's what I think it is some
days a show.
He tells me he thinks of killing himself everyday. Then takes his massive dinner into the other room and settles down for a night on the sofa when I am in kitchen crying. Then he sleeps peacefully all night without a bad dream in sight.
We had a big row one day and he hid in the shed with a Stanley knife waiting for me to find him. I think cos I have a mental illness and have seriously tried suicide twice in 8 years he thinks its a good way to show his sorrow. I just see a man trying to make twisted grand gestures to show how awful he feels. I really feel he does regret it but he won't examine it properly.
all I got at first was how wonderful she was and how terrible I was. Then all of a sudden it switched to he never wanted her never fancied her etc. Every revelation was cold and hard and he tried to push me away rather than confess. He said some terrible things to me. HE only confessed to kissing cos I got oral thrush. They actually got together and agreed if I asked they would only admit to having kissed.
I tried hard to help him get to the bottom of things cos he kept saying he couldn't remember his thoughts or feelings. He claims to have blocked it out - yeah right. I know If I had been with another man I would know damn well why and how I felt through the whole thing. Whenever I said something that sounded more acceptable i.e he kissed her to find out if she was interested in him rather than he kissed her cos he wanted her, well he jumps at the preferred version of events and sticks to it like glue.
All I get when I ask for it in his words is he wanted 'a bit of fun' and 'didn't see the harm in it' even kissing her didn't wake him up until the second one apparently. That night he came home and asked me for a break - he insists it was to get his head clear and figure out how to stop it with her - yet when I said yes go stay with your mum h suddenly didn't want a break anymore, he decided more freedom and less chores would probably help. I actually told him to go out the next night to watch the pub band who played at our wedding. HE left me crying in the kitchen and went into the front room to text her all night then from first thing on the Saturday til she picked him up non stop texting. Then they had sex. He insists he didn't want to do it but he was not turned on or off, he switched his mind off so he could go through with it and keep her happy so she wouldn't tell me about the kissing and texting. That's why he says he can't remember his feelings but he does remember thinking masturbating her was not as big a deal as screwing her. HE stopped the actual sex quite quick. No condom tho and he slept with me again unprotected after so we had to get tested.
HE is doing stuff like buying me presents, extra housework, coming to bed earlier to be with me - he used to stay up hours after me and used that time to text her all night. After he admitted to ea but not pa I gave him 'how to help your spouse heal after your affair' on audiobook as I knew he would never read it. HE made a big show of taking notes etc but STILL never confessed to PA, how can you listen to that book and still hold secrets back!!! I have since put it on an mp3 and asked him to re read it. It's stuck on the dashboard of his car untouched.
He read bits on here and seems to be going through the motions of what he is meant to be doing constantly telling me how sorry he is and how he loves me so much etc but he still won't look into what he actually wanted during the A he can't admit it to himself and jumps on my suggested explanations rather than come up with his own.
I got him to come on here and he posted two posts and never came back again, said he has forgotten his password - he is silent lucidity if you can actually find the posts! He started a journal, wrote in it twice, a few lines obviously written for me to see and then no more.
He is being transparent, I have emails phone records etc and he has offered to sell his bike to pay for counselling (he knew I would never allow him to do that) he has applied for jobs all over but still works on the next desk to her. He has asked the boss to move her twice in6 months and one of those after I blew my top.
He actually asked her one day why she picked him up that night, her answer - she was bored. Then he asked did she not even care the damage she had caused and she said well I might have cared if you had been nicer to me since it happened, He actually told her it was not just her he was being grumpy with!!!!
I just feel I am being manipulated. rather than be a man and lay his cards and the truth on the table about his feelings for her he keeps minimising. I mean he said it was a bit of fun and he was drawn into the kiss, that doesn't happen unless there is attraction there. He is doing it cos he knows a can't handle it all, I am too ill. But the not having the decency to be straight with me is worse I think, he is scared to lose me now he realises how much he loves me.
Why do I feel managed? Why do I feel I can't believe a word he says. It took him 3 months of tt to finally confess and he only did that after telling me he didn't love me and walking out.
Since then he has told me the facts but can't be sure of his feelings and thoughts. He can't remember. I will say something and he will say maybe, perhaps, to a degree, it doesn't sound right, yeah that fits etc but nothing from his mouth other than she made him feel good, he didn't fancy her didn't want her didn't want sex etc. Yet he kissed her twice and didn't say no in the car. HE says it wasn't planned yet he told her he was out and where he was.
I just don't see how all this adds up. Then I get upset and he gets pissed off.
The worst bit is he says he did it cos he was 'low' ffs I have struggled with depression since ten years of age yet I have never cheated. While he was doing all this I was managing a new diagnosis of bipolar, our son and our home. All the while trying to hold myself together. So he goes off to have a 'bit of fun' and the attention he wasn't getting from me!
I really do think I have had enough. I can't cope with the thought he actually did this to me. I still love him but I am so hurt I can't see myself ever moving past this. I have written her two letter asking for an explanation but never sent them. When I text her she lied and said they had only kissed once so I guess they are both lying to me and I will never get the truth.
Oh and apparently she never responded to either kiss, never touched him once, never kissed or touched other than sexually in car, she was dry and it was awkward. Doesn't sound right to me.
[This message edited by olwen at 8:08 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]
