"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
Tuesday, I impulsively asked h to take me to lunch, we were both off from work. Take me to "our restaurant" where he also took her. It was my second attempt there. It was hard because it holds great significance to me, a special memory for us that now has been tainted. I had many thoughts while there, visions of where did you sit? what did you eat?, what did you talk about? When you left, was this the first time you had sex with her? All of them stuffed down inside me, I did not say a word. Just pushed them away, want just to feel normal, like it used to, to remember it how it used to be.
I got through, no terrible physical reaction, just sadness.
Then h impulsively pulls into movie theater. He took her there. It was our very first date. Again, I said nothing. We went in nothing was starting for over an hour. We left. He told me he forgot until we left. I said it hurt that was all I said, left it alone.
Wednesday, at work, driving from an appointment, about 40 minute drive. Total meltdown. I didn't plan my thoughts in advance. I have to do this on long drives or I go to bad places at bad times. I just forgot?
Before I knew it, my mind was in out first date, the way it made me feel so happy, he had been so sweet and shy, our first sweet kiss goodbye. Then the horror, he did this with her. He dated her, she was his girlfriend, I saw him hold the door, smile at her, put his arm around her, I started feeling how he must have felt when with her on that date, nervous, excited, I felt insane. It was gut wrenching. That was ours, mine it was special and now that memory is tainted. It was a memory we often brought up over the years.
I had to pull into a parking lot to cry, texted h. He didn't see it for over and hour.
None of my "comforting" could pull me out, I got through the day but it was hell, I felt as if I could barely function.
It felt as if it was new, fresh, pain like in the early days.
I have known about the movie "date" for months. Never "felt" it before, just pushed it aside.
For some reason it all became so real, my husband had a girlfriend, he went out on dates, she is a real person, a stranger to me but not to him, to him she is real. He left me for her, he moved on, he had experiences with her, like he had with me, he had feelings for her about her, shared things with her. The parallels between what he did with her and what he did with me are just so excruciatingly painful, as if he were trying to recreate us with someone new, replace me in our story, our life.
How can this be so suddenly shocking, again.
I keep telling myself, this will pass, this is just a low point, this is just something I have to feel to get thfough. Does this ever end? Does this pain ever stop? Is it because I couldn't face this before? Is it just a trigger reaction? How do I keep going on everyday, go to work, function, smile when I feel so broken inside. I have had some decent days lately, maybe that is wwhy this is hurting so terribly, the contrast. It's as if having good days makes the painful ones harder, almost like you build up a tolerance and when you have relief the pain comes back stronger.
I just needed to get all this out. First thoughts upon waking.
Wish I could just stay in bed all day. It has been a week full of triggers, this was round three this week, rough ones.
I think I made it worse by not facing it immediately, getting it out when it was in my face, pretending to myself that I didn't feel the pain.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie