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Newest Member: Port (45718)

User Topic: health issues of H over the years
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For most of my marriage all I did was give give give. Its never been about me and my needs. I feel I have gone above and beyond to meet H's needs.
But, he still cheated emotionally with OW.

Its never been about meeting my needs even when I was pregnant or the few times I was actually sick. Just this spring, I was really sick and had to go to the ER and do you know what he did? chatted with some woman online about how he is so lonely and his sexual needs were not getting met that night and how i don't give him enough sex--despite the fact that I just did have sex with him the day before.

His needs ? what about my needs?

I think--maybe he never really understood the sacrificial love a successful marriage requires ? Not sure if he ever understood that he was supposed to be meeting my emotional needs?

Over the years he has had multiple health problems. he has had a major surgery on a different part of his body about every 1-2 years over the past 16 years.

So...he just had another surgery 2 weeks ago. And I am supposed to be meeting his needs again...I feel so spent on this.

I was improving--things seemed to be improving--but now they are back to me being down all the time. I just have nothing left to give him. He needs me to be there for him again...but after finding about his OW and wayward behaviors, I just feel like its really hard. I find myself resentful that I have to be there for him again when he is supposed to be there for me to heal...which he really feels its nothing and I should just get past. So he is mad that I keep concentrating on the past.

surgery is also a trigger since the one time in 2010 when he was involved with OW, there was an email in which he thanked HER for saving his life duirng that particular emergency surgery...I guess he had called her first saying he was in pain and she urged him to go to the hospital...meanwhile, his boss called me to take him to the hospital. I carried him out of his job with his boss and took him to the hospital. I stayed there through the surgery, I went back in forth for the 2 weeks he was there despite having a newborn and 5 other kids. I rearranged my life, was loving, giving, I was there and he has the gall to thank HER?

of course he apologizes now for that, but still...I guess I am tired of being the one that takes care of him when i feel like I am crumbled mess. When is he going to take care of me? Just not getting what I need here and don't want to give any more to him...but I guess with being married and what I am suppose to do is be there even when I don't want to?


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ionlytalkedtoher))

No words of advice... I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard.


Posts: 7987 | Registered: Dec 2010
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quote of the day:

“Who does more? A common belief is that a person having an affair may not be ‘getting enough’ at home. But the reality is that he or she may not be giving enough. Contrary to popular wisdom, people are not as satisfied in relationships where they are ‘overbenefited’ as in relationships where there is more equity. In the most satisfying relationships, giving and receiving are balanced….

It’s easy for the person who is giving less to become involved with another person. Partners who give much less than they receive already have one foot out the door, so it’s not difficult for them to break the loosely held connection to their marriage. The more you invest, the more committed you are and the more attached you feel.” ~Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, p.236


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself resentful that I have to be there for him again when he is supposed to be there for me to heal...

I hear the pain in your post.

Clearly you are feeling emotional pain, while he recovers from the physical pain of surgery.

Once he's on his feet again, I hope you two can sit down a and calmly discuss ways to make your marriage a true partnership of equals.

Hope he steps up his efforts!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear.. My WH has a long term illness.. He knows that hes going downhill eventually will need a transplant.. And the last two years our DD was having health issues too.. I too feel like WTF.. After all I have done for you and all the scary stuff with our DD. you go and decide to have an Affair.. With that good for nothing slut.. And leave me hanging here to deal with everything plus bills and he had be jobless that summer prior to the A. Making sure to do anything and everything to keep my job because I had the healthcare ins for the family.
I tell you I was devastated when I found out..
And here we go yesterday had to get an MRI.. Doc said 10-15 timeframe for transplant. I don't know if I can do this... I really don't know and then I feel guilty because I should be grateful we still have time together but I am so angry.
Sorry I didn't help.,

[This message edited by Dreamland at 8:17 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
naivewife
♀ 38375
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I can totally relate to this post. And that Shirley Glass quote nearly knocks the wind out of me. WH also cheated on me after nearly a year of me caring for him and his health issues, while pregnant and caring for our two year old. He began the A a few weeks after I gave birth and of course my time was fully consumed. And even prior to that, our marriage has always had him as the one in need of special care and attention due to anxiety issues. Our MC has identified this dynamic in our relationship and this has been a main focus of hers - to help me to be vulnerable to WH, and to help him shift his role to support me. It has been a pretty amazing process really, and WH is doing it even though he is still suffering (though not as badly). Is this something that has been discussed in MC?


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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