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My letter (bs welcome)

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changedlife posted 9/12/2013 08:39 AM

Many of you have probably seen posts by my Bgf and the struggle she has been going through. I feel like I have been the worst wbf I could have possibly been. I have lied, manipulated, and tickle truthed. I even was TTing during my timeline. I gave her all the dates and events (to the best of my knowledge) but I was still lying to her about some things that I had just revealed to her recently.
Many of you have suggested to her to walk away, and quite frankly if I was a third party looking in at her posts I would suggest the same thing. Why should she stay with me? She could do doubt. I haven't been a great person, when she has been more than wonderful to me. I do not deserve her with the treatment I have given her. The events of the affairs and my actions afterwards to minimize damage and manipulate her to stay with me are and will be forever some of the biggest regrets of my life. Like many have said the relationship we had is dead, and she now questions if I was the person she fell in love with, and I can't blame her. I would question everything about myself also. Even posting here can be seen as manipulative so I don't know whether to post or not, especially since I know she will read it. But I feel the need to do so. Maybe through my mistakes somebody can learn more about themselves and heal. Maybe something good will come out of this for somebody.

I pray for all the BS's that are going through this may be able to heal, and I pray for all the WS's involved might learn their flaws and heal from them, and help their partner heal. May God help us all learn from our mistakes, be better people, and learn to love each other the way they deserve, the same way we want to be loved and treated ourselves. This is my letter to her... and my public apology.

I hope this email doesn't upset you since we are taking space, I don't know whether to send it or not. With the extra time I've had the last few days not sleeping, I've read a lot more online (mostly the forums) of both perspectives.
I've seen your cry for me to understand, how hurt you are, and how similar it is to many of the other betrayed people on the forums.

You are right about several things that are hard for me to admit. I have been trying harder when things have been getting rough. I guess consciously its not something i've chosen to do, but I will agree that I have gotten comfortable in some weeks and thought things were going well. I don't know why I associated this and took this to mean I could be less understanding and not put in enough work, but I am sorry. I truly am. It was often during these periods where I wouldn't be trying hard enough (reading in our books, being emotionally available) that things would build up inside you. At the time I wouldn't realize things were building up... to me things were going good, getting better, and then your emotions you had been hiding from me (to protect me) would come out... and I wouldn't have any idea at the time why. I reacted hastily several times. I thought about my own feelings (about how I thought I was doing everything perfect) before I thought about what you were feeling and I would either A. react meanly and snap at you... or B. shut down so I wouldn't act mean and distance myself.

This has been a realization after reading the forums and seeing advice and similarities from other people. To me when the situation is happening and all of these thoughts are going through my head about how I have been trying and then when we get in a fight.. I react in the only way I've learned how to deal with it... be mean to protect my own feelings...or shut down to prevent me from having an outburst. I think me shutting down and becoming distant has been a learned behavior and the only way in the past I have been able to deal with my feelings so I wouldn't have an outburst and snap at the person.

What does all this mean?

I want to react better in situations like this. I really do. I can't explain the feeling I get inside of me during a fight but I want to be able to turn that into healing somehow.

It has been hard for me to read your posts online, I can see how much you are hurting.
I've been trying to see everything from your prospective since our fight Tuesday
and it has made me realize several different things.

It has made me realize that I can't just "snap myself" out of being distant or the feeling I get inside of me, that I need advice somehow, either through a counselor or books. I'm thinking the books recommended to me on the forum might work better since they seem to deal exactly with how I am feeling.

It has made me realize that your feelings should come first. I've read about how you are drained from having to watch your words with me to prevent my emotions from being hurt. I don't want that. I know you are doing it for me, you are such a sweet person always putting the other person first, but we do need to focus on you. I can understand your desire to take a month to yourself and just focus on yourself so you don't have the extra stress to deal with me. I can understand that completely. I wouldn't be mad at you if you had to do that. I would ultimately be sad without you... but you are right... you (we) have to heal you first. Sweetie, I want you to be that fun loving, carefree, happy girl you used to be also. If I am bringing you down and I can't lift you up then I agree with your assessment that you need to take time to yourself.

It has made me realize that I need to be a preventer and a rebuilder, and not just a recouper.
Those words are mine, but basically right now I have simply been recouping from fights and arguments. I've slowly been doing what you have asked, and my initiative has increased each time that we have had a fight...and when I started getting more comfortable with what I deemed progress my efforts would decrease slightly, we would get into a fight and I would have to recoup again. I need to be rebuilding us constantly... not rebuild, watch it fall back down, and rebuild again. I need to learn your emotions, prevent things from building up for you, while I am rebuilding.
I rebuild by focusing on your emotions first, and always, always, trying to imagine how you are feeling... even if things appear to be going well from my end.

I love you. I really do. I want more than anything to help us heal, to get back a special relationship. I do have flaws, and I haven't been the best healer I could have been due to those flaws and me not fully understanding your emotions.

I will get those books recommended to me, even if things between us doesn't work out, because I am tired of hurting my partner (even if it is unintentional by me). I want to be able to relate my feelings better and eventually one day have the best marriage I possibly can have. I think the books will help me a lot. I am also seeing the counseling couple next friday, depending on how you feel you can with me if you want or not. We can just ask them questions about how they overcame it, and we can focus on me healing you, so that way you don't have to worry about them talking to you. Whatever you want.

I've been selfish in our rebuilding, I haven't put myself in your shoes enough to fully understand what you are going through....and I've been focusing on my emotions, and snapping at you when our emotions differ.

I'm sorry. You don't deserve that. You deserve better. You deserve all the sweet, little things I do for you, you deserve the laughs, and a close friend. But you deserve better emotional support. You deserve a true friend in your companion and I haven't been. I haven't been because I have never learned how to be one with anybody before and I don't know how.... but that doesn't give me an excuse to not learn how and make myself better.

I love you, and I miss you. Regardless of whether you decide to take a month off or just walk away completely from me I will work on myself for the future... my partner deserves that from me after me realizing all of this. It would be an injustice to whoever I am with to ignore it after coming this far. But I am hoping that I can learn how to do it with you, and us not just have an ok relationship, but we have a deep emotional bond between us also.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Ive thought about you non stop. I've been praying for you, and trying to dream that I was you in this situation. It hurts me when I am capable of doing that...and I'm only able to withstand it for so long.

I love you from the bottom of my heart... and I do, more than anything want to be with you. I will be a better healer any way shape or form I can. You (we) need to focus on your emotions, and help you get back your old self... however you decide to do that I will understand. You've given me enough chances God knows.
Thank you for everything. You are a strong, dedicated, loving Girlfriend.
If I can't work things out with myself to help you... I will always miss you and be upset with myself for what could have been amazing.

I will for the first time try and truly face my problems, rather than run away, bottle them up or just try and snap myself out of them.

I love you, and I hope you have a great day.

yours truly,

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/12/2013 12:14 PM

Words are cheap, CL. This letter is heavy on promises and completely devoid of actions or genuine remorse.

You use the word "try/ing" nine times. I'm gonna Yoda you, pal: "There is no try. Only do, or do not." What's missing here is concrete action: I made an IC appointment for next week, to help me figure out why I'm such a mess or I bought some new books and spent the last two nights reading them: here's what I learned!

I'll acknowledge that you said you're meeting with the "counseling couple" next week. However, I get the sense that you don't want to go alone, and that your agenda with the counselors is to...

ask them questions about how they overcame it, and we can focus on me healing you

You're going to heal BGF? Really?!

You write "I'm sorry" three times...but for what? The waitress at lunch just said "I'm sorry" when I told her my chili wasn't hot enough. Throwing around those two words is easy and cheap; expressing genuine remorse requires a bit more effort--which I'm not seeing here. "I'm sorry you're hurting" is the equivalent of a politician apology: "I'm sorry if anyone took offense." Props to atsenaotie and the Menz, here, but how about something like:

I am sorry you are hurting because of what I did.

"Want" is another favorite word of yours, and the score is:

What changedlife wants: 7

Wondering what LonelyGirl10 wants: 2

The events of the affairs and my actions afterwards to minimize damage and manipulate her to stay with me are and will be forever some of the biggest regrets of my life.

The events of the affairs?!? OMFG. Take ownership of what you did, quit manipulating her, and fix your shit.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 12:19 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

changedlife posted 9/12/2013 13:17 PM

Thank you for the reply 20vs.
Your advice has been some of the best I've received on this forum so far. I am however considerably remorseful for what I have done, and I've expressed this too her numerous times, I just didn't in this email. Perhaps posting the email was the wrong thing to do. But it is up here now. As far as concrete steps, I am currently reading two books that my bs knows about already, and I am making steps to post on these forums to get more help. As far as my wants are concerned. Honestly, I personally do not want a month break from my bgf to heal myself. I am afraid of losing her etc. But I am trying to put her wants above mine. It scares me but I am trying. I know I still need help.

Thanks again for your previous help, and you are right. I do need to get my shit together.

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/12/2013 13:52 PM

I hope others will weigh in, because trust me, my shit is far from fixed. Pot, meet kettle.

badchoice posted 9/12/2013 15:30 PM

All I will say is what my BS told me, and still tells me sometimes.

Word mean nothing to her. She wants actions.

20v stated it well, that this is full of promises and no action. I most likely wrote the same email about a year ago, it was all about me trying to get the outcome I wanted, avoid a separation and divorce. I see very little empathy in here, no understanding of where she is.

And I am not an expert on empathy, so take this with a grain of salt...

It's out there, so the die is cast, but maybe re look at it and try to imagine everywhere you have a reference to I (CL), replace the reference to her, and imagine how she feels or what she might want:

I hope this email doesn't upset you since we are taking space

will it upset her? has she asked for NC during the time away?

I've seen your cry for me to understand, how hurt you are, and how similar it is to many of the other betrayed people on the forums.

Can you image how she feels? Can you tell her what you think it feels like?

It has been hard for me to read your posts online

Why? because of how it makes you feel?

Dig deeper... the emotions are there. You just need practice on recognizing them. Work on that.

Good luck.

TrustGone posted 9/13/2013 10:37 AM

I am a BS and could not even get through your whole post. Please go back and count the number of "I's" that are there. It is so full of them that I couldn't even read it all. It isn't about you anymore and the sooner you come to realize it the better off you will be. What have your actions showed. Words at this point no longer matter, it's what you are doing to try and help her heal and what you are doing to heal yourself. IMHO.

Sadwife222 posted 9/13/2013 11:39 AM

BS here, too. I agree that this email was mostly about your pain. I don't know how you will be able to completely understand what you've done to her but listening to her (instead of thinking about what the effect of what she's saying will have on you) is a good start.
Try to imagine how you've changed her life FOREVER, given her a pain that will never totally go away, damaged her confidence and self-esteem, made her doubt her own judgment in choosing you...

Hear that when she talks. Hear the fear, the sadness, the brokenness.
Comfort her. Reassure her of her value to you and to herself. Realize that you DO NOT DESERVE HER ANY LONGER and should she close to stay with you, in spite of this horrendous betrayal, you need to spend the rest of your life making her not regret it.

changedlife posted 9/13/2013 13:33 PM

Realize that you DO NOT DESERVE HER ANY LONGER and should she close to stay with you, in spite of this horrendous betrayal, you need to spend the rest of your life making her not regret it.

Thank you. I agree with you. I regret what I did from the bottom of my heart. But you are right I need to focus on her and make sure she doesn't regret staying with me. Thanks for your advice.

doesitgetbetter posted 9/13/2013 20:01 PM

I personally do not want a month break from my bgf

Then why did you throw your hands up and tell her you couldn't do this anymore and you should break up? Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you don't mean something, it shouldn't ever pass through your lips.

If you ever want your letters to your BGF to be anything more than nice poetry, then you MUST follow up with actions! You haven't started IC because you can't afford it? Deliver pizza's 2 nights a week so you can.

Don't pray for strangers on the internet, pray and take action for your own situation and strength. When you say things like that, it really feels like you are trying to "win" positive comments and it comes off manipulative, like you are trying to warm us up and make us feel cozy before we read your nice words so we'll take them at face value. This might be a pattern for you?

If you want these boards to help you, REALLY help you, then don't post the mushy good stuff you are trying to do. You will get the best help when you post the ugly, cold hard facts about what you are doing that's NOT working. If you post a "facebook" story, you know them, those are the people who look happy and smiling all the time and life is all unicorns farting rainbows yet you know their life is a mess because you know them personally. Anyway, if you just post "facebook" story stuff, then you'll never get any real help because no one will have a clue what's really going on and where you have room to improve. Much like a person with anger issues won't get any effective help if they never share how they react to people in traffic, or the grocery store, or their kids, or whatever else they blow up at.

If you want to even THINK you have a chance at healing yourself, and working towards a true R with your BGF, then you must be brutally, painfully, exposing all your flaws honest and get real help here.

LosferWords posted 9/15/2013 18:03 PM

I think words are important, but they only mean anything if they are backed up by actions. One exercise you can do is taking some time to reflect each evening, or morning, whichever works best for you. Reflect upon yourself and ask yourself what actions you have taken in the last 24 hours to help repair yourself, or help your girlfriend with her healing, or help your relationship.

You can even start that right now... what actions have you taken in the last 24 hours, CL?

Good luck to you. Keep posting and let us know how things go, both the good and the bad.

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