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Alyssamd24 posted 9/12/2013 09:13 AM

I have heard the term "friends of the marriage" on this site many times and understand that. But can someone explain it in more details?

Who are people that are not considered "friends of the marriage"?

changedlife posted 9/12/2013 09:17 AM

I had a former employer who I called a friend at the time. Who encouraged me to go to strip clubs, new about the affair at one point and did not sit down and talk to me about my actions. He was in a way helping me with my actions. He was not a friend of the relationship. A friend of the relationship will help promote a healthy relationship for both parties.

floridaredman posted 9/12/2013 10:22 AM

Friends of the marriage are those who encourage you to do positive actions to make your marriage beneficial to you and your spouse. They will support you in making the right decisions for you as well as your husband. They will also tell you when you are wrong and what you should do if your situation becomes a danger to you. Most of all a friend of the marriage is someone who supports your marriage

meplusfour posted 9/12/2013 11:20 AM

BS responding. Individuals who helped you cover up your A by providing an alibi, lied to your spouse about your whereabouts and actions, met the AP while having knowledge about the A are not friends of the marriage.

It might be helpful if you asked your BS who he considers to be "not friends of the marriage."

Alyssamd24 posted 9/12/2013 12:06 PM

That's why I brought this subject up. My BH and I have been talking a lot about the A and different aspects of it. I have three friends who knew about the A while it was happening, two of which were coworkers and knew the AP.

The coworkers who knew did tell me to stop talking to AP and were supportive to an extent...they were there to listen but that was it.

When I told the first coworker her exact words were "Damn, I didn't think you had it in you".
This wasn't said with disgust, it was said in a shocked, almost impressed way.

The second coworker was more sympathetic and told me stop talking to AP for my own well being and for my relationship with my BH. But her initial reaction was "this is so exciting, like a lifetime movie."

And although they both knew of the affair and had seen emails/texts between myself and xAP, neither defended me when I "resigned" from my job. That I think is justified though cuz neither of them wanted to lose their job. And as much as I hate being out of work, I realize that losing my job is a consequence for my actions, and I am the one who is responsible. So I guess they didn't really need to back me up.

The story with the other friend who knew is a bit more complicated....she has been my best friend for the last four years....we were pregnant together and have experienced being mother's for the first time together. She and her son's father were very close to my BH and I and our families are close. She and her son's father broke up last summer after being together 10 years. When he left she was destroyed, and often came to my BH and I for support...So anyway, I told her of my A on thanksgiving night while we were black Friday shopping. She was shocked and couldn't believe it. She told me to "make sure BH doesn't find out, he will be crushed" but never told me to stop the A and even made jokes about it. She never told my BH about the A until DDay...he called her after seeing a conversation between myself and AP online...even then she told him that I had been talking to AP, but never told him every thing she knew.

On Dday when BH threw me out I went to her house....she was supportive then but that was short lived.

Throughout the last 10 months our friendship has changed. We still see each other occasionally but she rarely asks how I am doing or what is happening....when everything first started I thought she would be my number one supporter but was apparently wrong. This hurts me a lot since she is supposed to be a good friend and wasn't there for me..even though I brought it on myself I still needed someone to talk to..
Shebhas since told me that she was angry with me when she found out about the A....which to me is confusing cuz she found out about it in November, and never told my BH or anything...I don't understand this.

My BH has expressed his anger and distrust for all three of these friends, mainly the last one cuz she is also his friend and never said anything. I think it's safe to say none of them are friends of my M but don't know how to cut them out, or even if I should. I don't have many friends (basically I have none) and am afraid without them I will have no one but my BH, but I don't think keeping them in my life is healthy either.

Sorry this was so long, but I have been thinking of it awhile and wanted to get it out

badchoice posted 9/12/2013 14:13 PM

but I don't think keeping them in my life is healthy either.

I think this is the key right there.

None of them sound like they were very healthy while you were in your A.

I have looked back on a lot of friendships that I have have since my As, and I realize that most of those friendships were very un-healthy. I am also realizing how important a healthy relationship with a friend is, even if that means that I have limited the number of potential "friends".

I would not want the support of my past unhealthy friends...let's say you did keep the friendship with friend #3, would you really want to have her support and advice knowing what you know now? A real friend IMO, would have told you to stop the A, would have done whatever she could have to support you in stopping that, and then if you would not stop the A, detach from you. KWIM?

How do you cut them out? With as little drama or confrontation as possible in my opinion. You have enough going on already.

LAFA posted 9/12/2013 14:44 PM

As a BH, I have come to see these friends who knew as quite toxic. After all, OM was "just a friend". I recommend getting involved in some healthy community activity with your BH. New friends will not be difficult to come by, and you can do the fade on the old ones. Best of luck to you.

floridaredman posted 9/12/2013 14:50 PM

It would not be wise to keep them as friends.

They were your "friends" but not friends of the marriage because they supported you in your affair.

It would be a deeper dig to your BH if you kept them as friends.

cliffside posted 9/12/2013 17:28 PM

Just phase the last friend out. The others will no longer be your co-workers so you'll probably see less and less of them anyhow.

As a BS, we had a recent setback where my FWH (we've been working hard in R) told one of his close friends that essentially told him he ws justified in doing that. I won't get into the details, but the last thing I need is my FWH having someone tell him he had the right to cheat on me. That is NOT a friend of our marriage. If I told my friends this story in reverse (me cheating on him) I know in my heart they would have hit me over the head with a 2x4 and told me to cut the shit and end it.

You have enough on your plate right now. You're trying hard to make changes in a positive direction. You do NOT need anymore BS. Just surround yourself with good people who support BOTH of you and phase her out. No need for anymore drama.

Neznayou posted 9/13/2013 04:44 AM

In the spring before my affair started, I helped a friend move out of her house. She was leaving her husband because she found someone else (also a friend of mine) and they had been having an affair for nearly a year. I did not know she was having an affair until very shortly before helping her move out. I did not know with whom she was having an affair until I showed up to help her move.

While I was in the car driving a load from one house to the other, I called my husband and told him directly that I would never do this to our family. Watching my friend's increasing awareness of what exactly she had done and all that she was throwing away was painful to watch; reality for her was sinking in. However, less than two months later, I'm in the middle of my own Affair. I won't bore you with the details that were unraveled in MC/ IC regarding this very tight timeline and the emotional/ mental connection between the two affairs...

Suffice to say, I could not, in the best interest of my husband, our marriage and our reconciliation/ recovery maintain a friendship with a couple who are together because of an affair. Anyone in your life who is having an affair, who is unrepentant about an affair, who views affairs as acceptable is definitely not a friend of the marriage, yours or anyone else's.

PostScript: I wrote a short, private note on Facebook to each of these two individuals stating that I had an affair and even though my affair had nothing to do directly with their affair, I could not be friends with them any longer. Then I un-friended them.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/13/2013 07:15 AM

Thank you everyone! So last night BH and I were talking about friend #3...he told me he doesn't like her and doesn't trust her, but isn't going to stop me from talking to her...he also said although he doesn't trust her he doesn't plan on ending their friendship either.

We saw her yesterday while waiting for our niece to get off the bus, and he was friendly to her like he always is. To me, that's a bit two faced, and I told him that, but he didn't really respond.

I guess I just don't understand...if he dislikes her that much and doesn't trust her then I would think he wouldn't talk to her or want me to either.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/13/2013 07:25 AM

And one more question regarding "friends of the marriage"... how does this work with friends/family of the BS?

The reason I ask is my BH parents and closest friends are understandably angry with me...some have told them to D me and one friend even told him he was a pussy for letting me come back home. But they have been supportive of him(minus that one comment) and have helped him a lot since DDay. I can't blame them for being angry with me, I think some of their reactions have been appropriate...should I just not worry about that for now?

Sorry for all the questions but this is stuff I have been thinking of for a while!!

jb3199 posted 9/13/2013 21:39 PM

Sorting out real "friends" is a hard part of the rebuilding process. If it was so black and white, then we wouldn't struggle with it so much.

My WW has two girlfriends she has known since high school. They have both cheated in the past, and while they may have been discouraged about my WW's infidelity, I doubt that it was much at all. They don't actively get her to try to cross boundaries, but role models they are sure as hell not.

I am almost indifferent to them, although we have never really interacted much. Seen them at an occasional birthday party, but I have never been social with them...and I doubt that I ever will. I am saying this from a position of time since my wife's affairs, and truth be known, I felt like I hated their guts near D-day #1. Now, I can take them or leave them. But I will never fully trust them.

HFSSC posted 9/14/2013 08:53 AM

I guess I just don't understand...if he dislikes her that much and doesn't trust her then I would think he wouldn't talk to her or want me to either.

When we finally got to true R, I made a decision that I was DONE being the M police in this house. D.O.N.E. I was so tired of telling JM what he could and should do or not do if our M was to survive. I had begun to feel resentful of being in that position, and it wasn't healthy for him either.

There were quite a few times when I made statements like your H made as a test. Just to see what he would do. He has made it clear that this woman is not a friend of your M. It is now up to you to choose to do the right thing. Do you have to send her a formal NC listing all the reasons? No, I don't think so. Do you have to cut her off and be unfriendly when you see her in public? Nope. And I don't think it was necessarily 2 faced for your H to act friendly.

Just, as someone phrased it earlier, phase her out. If she ever asks why, you could at that point say that you decided because of your H's feelings about her knowledge of the A that she needed to be on the periphery of your life rather than the inner circle. Make it clear that it was your decision, not your H's.

Alyssa, it seems as though you have a desire to do right, but a deep insecurity and doubt that you can or will. Stop looking to your H to tell you what to do. Figure it out and just do it.

When JM finally became proactive in choosing to do the right thing, our R began to soar, and so can you.

Keep coming here and asking the questions. But start to put the answers together to come up with a plan of your own, instead of just following instructions.

uncertainone posted 9/14/2013 16:35 PM

he also said although he doesn't trust her he doesn't plan on ending their friendship either.

Ok. So he's ok with a female friend he doesn't trust. Does this surprise you? He didn't have any issues being a "friend" with a female co-worker who was clearly interested in him and having her over.

I'm also a bit confused. He was adamant you couldn't come home because he didn't feel safe with you and he wasn't ready. You JUST recently admitted to continuing the EA and he's ok with you moving home.

Hmmmm. Now, does that make sense to you? See any red flags there?

As far as your "friends" they don't sound much like friends but aquaintences that were enjoying the drama. Do you want someone as a friend that uses your life for entertainment regardless of how damaging your choices are?

You have all the information you need for both situations right there in front of you.

SoOver96 posted 9/15/2013 16:05 PM

I would like more information on this matter please Is it like friends that keep him out all night? Or friends that say there going to give him a ride and forget about him and there two towns over he does have a few that actually do like me but they also know I'm not one to take there crap two of them always say they love me cause they consider me as their sister and i say i love them back i even take one of their keys when hes been drinking these two say bro you have a good woman here dont let her go he says i know im not and they knew about his As but the one that I mentioned at top he says lets go to the strip clubs right in front of me and his gf mine wouldnt go that far this guy calls me Sis too but he has no respect for family his oldest is living with his parents and his youngest is always at his gf moms house....I would like to have my husband back but I know he needs to be the one that wants to change so please can you all give me more info

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