SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

veelop5 posted 9/12/2013 09:39 AM

I have been putting off posting here because I didn't want to be critized or judged but this place can't only be the place I go to for praises because I know right from wrong and I need to own it....so here is the story....So the beginning of last month I bumped into an old coach of my sons...I knew he had been married so I asked how the family and wife were and he tells me that she took off with the kids to another state and is with another man...(ok I go into I understand mode)...so let's just say that after weeks of talking and spending time together and YES being intimate he decides that after one of his phone calls (kid related) that he would confess that he has been seeing someone...I knew that it was wrong to be with him since his divorce wasn't final yet but I did it anyway....so let's just say that she had a change of heart and wants her marriage back...He told her that he did not want to save this marriage that it had been broken for a long time...(he slept on the couch for 3 years before she left)...He made it very clear that he is not going back to her but she told him that if he didn't take her back she wasn't coming back home....so I called him at work and asked him not to contact me ever again....I didn't want him to look at me in the future and wonder what could of been if he decided to try...now I know they have had problems for years and they were going to divorce anyway but I made a bad choice to start something with him without him being divorced or healed and I feel like a total loser...He is respecting my wishes and not contacting me...I heard from mutal aquaintances that he is miserable and misses me and even took on another job...I miss him terribly but I feel like I had to get out of this....so here I am not only missing him and feeling loss but feeling like I am a piece of crap for doing what I did....I want to hear what you have to say so please don't hold back...I deserve it!!!.

InnerLight posted 9/12/2013 09:48 AM

You are already beating yourself up so much I feel no need for a 2x4. You know you stepped into another couple's mess and now you got yourself out. It's good that you went NC. I'm sure it feels horrible.

Can you go to IC and figure out more about your desires and motivations so you understand how you got involved and what you really want to do with your energy?

Please take really good care of yourself. No more beating yourself up though. Pick yourself up and figure out where you really want to go with your life and move forward.

I wish you healing.

hexed posted 9/12/2013 10:14 AM

(((veelop)))

its an easy mess to get in to. i'm glad you got yourself out. you did good.

She11ybeanz posted 9/12/2013 10:19 AM

its an easy mess to get in to. i'm glad you got yourself out. you did good.

^^^^THIS

You did good....now keep up NC, go to IC, and be gentle with yourself! You made a very smart and healthy decision to walk away and end things. Give your rational side a round of applause.... remember you are only human and will trip up now and again (especially when healing) and keep moving forward and DO NOT look back!

veelop5 posted 9/12/2013 10:22 AM

I know what the right thing to do is...it is almost two weeks since I made the decision and I still miss him...I am trying really really hard and my stubborness won't allow me to contact him...and his respect for me won't allow him to contact me either....so here I go again with the "time" thing!!!..thanks for not being so hard on me...you guys rock!!!

EvenKeel posted 9/12/2013 12:24 PM

I really don't see the need for 2x4s either.

I am actually going to go from a different angle. It says your D was just final this year, correct?

Is this your first relationship since? If so, I remember that first relationship after my D and the breakup was he77. Someone on here said it was because your heart is still wounded from all the BS you went through in your M.

They were right - it was [almost] worse than the grieving I did at the end of my M.

PS - sounds like his W feeling off-kilter since her backup plan (him) is no longer just sitting home alone. You are right, he needs to deal with that first.

{hugs}

lieshurt posted 9/12/2013 12:38 PM

Veelop, I suspect this guy wasn't being honest with you. If she left him for somebody else, why would he need to confess to her he was seeing you? And, why would he need to take her back to get her to come back? If her supposed relationship hadn't ended, would she not be staying there anyhow and not coming back?

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm also glad you removed yourself from this situation for your own well being.

veelop5 posted 9/12/2013 13:13 PM

It wasn't really a confession...he just let her know that he was seeing someone also...who knows if he did it to get a reaction but I never caught him lying to me....even while she was contacting him he was showing me the messages...He told her he wasn't leaving me...I saw the messages and heard the conversations....but they are not legally divorced yet and they have 4 children....I didn't want to be the reason for custody issues or part of the drama...so I opted to walk away....He is really a great guy but he was still hurting when I met him and I should of remained his friend...now he has feelings for me and I hurt someone knowing the outcome....and now im hurting too

NaiveAgain posted 9/12/2013 19:10 PM

(((veelop)))I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Relationships are messy.

Kajem posted 9/13/2013 19:45 PM

(((((((Veelop))))))

Sometimes we have to learn the lesson by being burned by the lesson. Take good care of our very good friend veelop, she's loved very much around here.

Hugs,
K

caregiver9000 posted 9/13/2013 19:52 PM

(((vee)))

I am sorry you are hurting.

veelop5 posted 9/13/2013 22:22 PM

You know what's the worse..I'm back in my lonely window wishing he would call or pass by.....I miss him dearly......he respects my wishes to stay away....I cried today for the first time for him and it's been two weeks! Time to move on:-(

tabitha95 posted 9/14/2013 11:05 AM

They were separated, she was off with another person. I don't always think you have to wait until the D is final to date. Sometimes D's drag out for years.

If you don't think he's healed, then it's probably best you stepped back. Coming from the end of my M, I was so done that I was ready to move on. If They really had been more like roommates for the years, his M was probably over in his mind for a long time.

This is a hard one for me to offer advice. I'm finding a good man is hard to find. I'd hate for you to give up on one because of his ex's behavior.