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SecondHelping posted 9/12/2013 10:16 AM

It's been just over 12 months since DD and in the past month or so, I've noticed fWW making snide/accusing remarks to me about my triggers, reactions or checking up on her. Most of it is about how I react to what she does (or doesn't do) or that she is getting tired of me checking up on her. Some of it is accurate/some not. Even though it's accurate, it makes me feel angry that she's getting angry. I didn't cause this, but now I'm the bad guy.

Is this normal after about 12 months?

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 10:17 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 9/12/2013 10:41 AM

Mad, Never!!!!

Discouraged maybe but understanding at the same time.

rachelc posted 9/12/2013 10:58 AM

answering as a former wayward - i would imagine some things will come up for the rest of my life...
not sure your wife is there yet.
she shouldn't be getting angry. If there is no shame yet attached to her affair by her, then she should be able to talk about it and not get riled by it.

Alex CR posted 9/12/2013 11:37 AM

I don't think they have the right to get mad.....this is the result of their actions.

But I will say over time, I approach my H in a kinder manner. At first when I triggered, I'd let him have it without any concern for how it made him feel.

Now I find myself telling him in a factual less emotional manner exactly what I'm feeling and that I need help to get through it without being accusatory or mean to him, which I certainly did in the first few years after Dday. And he helps me....we work it out together but it has taken time....

tushnurse posted 9/12/2013 12:14 PM

To answer your question directly. Never.

Now if you and spouse are R'ing, and things are changing, and WS really owns what they did they get it, and realize that it is a burden that they may have to deal with the rest of their lives. Occasionally things will come up when you are totally healed, and they should meet it with kindness and understanding.

The type of response raises all kinds of red flags to me. I am sorry but she either has been faking getting it, or is not willing to get it any longer. Do not allow her to pit you as the bad guy.

There is one instance that frustration, and some resentment may occur, and that is when the BS is really truly hung up on something. To the point where they can't move forward. That it is a daily occurence, this needing to discuss, or check up. But then isn't it really the WS's job to help rebuild the trust, and help the BS deal with the triggers, and alleviate them? Personally I feel that if a BS is still really hung up on something, at a year, there is probably something left undone, unfound, or real true R has not occured.

I would tell her to take her snide remarks and shove em up her rear end personally. How dare she make you feel bad about her destroying your faith in humanity. The one person that was supposed to have your back stabbed you in it.

This makes me angry for you.

((((and strength))))

Dreamland posted 9/12/2013 12:14 PM

My WH still gets mad when I get a trigger.. Example this morning.
He's walking from his car to work. Stops off to talk to his mom.. But tells me later. I can't check the tracker app on his phone to see where he stopped. OW building is on his way but he usually walks a block away so just in case. Well they used to meet up between spots since their buildings were caddy corner. Her office move and he changed jobs to be one block further. But still such close proximity.
All I ask is for info. He told me after the fact when he had just texted me a second before skyping with his mom. Well my mind goes nuts how long did he really talk to his mom. May e they met at the park where he stops. He gets pissed saying yes I was F..., her while talking to my mom..
My reply.. Well who knows.. You fucked her everywhere else..
So I get pissed because if wouldn't have cheated I wouldn't behave this way. He can't get that I can't trust him period..
So bad day so far.,

bionicgal posted 9/12/2013 13:09 PM

My husband will sometimes get defensive/angry/frustrated if I am angry -- we are working on our coping skills with this. He certainly isn't mad if I trigger and am sad, hurt, etc., but if I get a rage-y, he has a hard time either not shutting down, or getting defensive himself. We work it out though, and make sure both of us are understood, and he is learning to just be with me when I am angry and not react.

I don't think it is realistic to say WS should never get angry - it makes it sound like BS have carte blanche to do whatever we want, and sometimes I, unfortunately, step over the line.

scream posted 9/12/2013 13:43 PM

as a ws I don't know if its a matter of right or wrong. It is just sometimes a reaction that anyone could have. As ws we are told we can't do this or that or say this or that...and that's fine. And we should be doing the work and doing the best we can. Sometimes we react to things and they aren't positive or reassuring. Eveyone is different and we handle things in differently. I wish we all had great days and could be the spouces you deserve but we are human and sometimes our defensiveness gets in the way of our better judgement

Rebreather posted 9/12/2013 13:48 PM

Anger and defensiveness from WS can be the death to R. What on earth do they have to be defensive about?! They were wrong in every way, shape and form. The defensiveness is a real signal of lack of remorse.

Like others, with time the BS will handle triggers differently. But for a WS to be angry over their BS feeling pain they inflicted? Uh. No.

scream posted 9/12/2013 14:05 PM

I'm not saying its right or wrong. Just saying that it happens. I did for awhile. Teach and I have had our moments. They happen. Doesn't mean I don't care or I'm not sorry. Its just a reaction to the trigger or conversation. I had some. Really big mistakes with some off the triggers teach has had. But I'm not perfect and feelings are harx to control min.to min.

SecondHelping posted 9/12/2013 17:03 PM

To clarify, it rarely happens on triggers but usually happens the way I react to something she does or wants to do. Such as, I get very anxious and dwonward spiral when she goes over to train on the ambulance. I do this because the A was with someone in uniform and it worries me. Also, she started making snide comments about me asking who is calling her. I don't check the phone much anymore, just ask who calls/emails/texts her.

This all started a month or so ago when I was checking her other mail account on the laptop.

When this happens it makes me angry because I feel she is accusing me of being untrustworthy.

hobbeskat posted 9/12/2013 18:01 PM

He occasionally gets a bit upset but it's upset from shame, and he apologies and let's me carry on. He's getting much better.

bionicgal posted 9/12/2013 18:26 PM

I would say "anger and defensiveness can be the death to R" is true if the spouse is always there, or usually there, or thinks upon reflection that it is justified. Otherwise, I find that to be a gross generalization.
Why not just throw in the towel, then?

BS are dealing with a lot of shame, and if WS cross the line, get rage-y, call names or don't fight fair, it wouldn't be normal if they didn't react sometimes. People get tired, stressed, etc. and some of the issues we are dealing with are very deep seated. Our MC says that anger is a sign that you care -- I'd be more worried with a withdrawn spouse than one that gets angry on occasion.

I honestly think that it is unfair and inaccurate to say that WS can't ever get mad. I certainly can't control my actions all the time, and the same is true for WS, I am sure. If all WS had these brilliant coping mechanisms, then none of us would be here.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:05 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/12/2013 18:58 PM

If I may...I think suppressing emotions is dangerous. Feelings are feelings, no matter who you are or what you did. If a WS is feeling angry, however, we should first carefully look inward for the cause. I have every right to *feel angry* if BH questions me about my whereabouts, but I'd sure as hell better be angry at myself, not him.

Rebreather posted 9/12/2013 19:14 PM

I didn't say is. I said "can be." It is something to watch for, guard against, and not accept. If you don't want to, that's fine. We walk our own paths. I have found and see all too often BSs accepting way too much of that behavior. And for the OP, this far down the road, for the WS to be making snipe comments? No. Not ok. Unacceptable in my book. It isn't remorse. It is still about them. Be mindful. It is a sign.

Early on? I think nearly every wayward does it. But they need to outgrow it as part of the recovery process.

Personally, after my second Dday, I allowed no room for error. I expected perfection out of my WS. Impossible to be perfect? Maybe. But that was my expectation and he was free to try to meet that or not as his choice. He did a damn fine job of rising to the occasion at that point

Undone1 posted 9/12/2013 20:32 PM

I am at 10 months and my fWH has had difficulty with my questions for the last 3-4 months. Normally, it starts with a question I probably already asked and he rolls his eyes and doesn't want to answer it again.

Part of my fWH's issue is that he suppressed all of his emotions for so long, he doesn't know how to deal with frustration without getting mad. He is going to counseling to try to get a handle on dealing with emotions, but its not easy for him. I on the other time have a problem with timing and delivery. I have not had to respond to his anger due to his never bringing anything up to me! It's definately the hard work of reconcilliation.

We start down a path and it cycles out of control because we are new to this communication thing. I just want answers and he feels shamed and angry.

rachelc posted 9/12/2013 20:42 PM

Undone- you guys should read any book by John Gottman. The eye rolling thing is one of the four horsemen, as he calls them. Not good!
I was in shame for two years, I get it, but staying in shame is actually so selfish... He needs to figure it out and move beyond shame because that isn't helping you...
The best thing I did for "us" is forgiving myself. I'm just not sure there's a lot of room for shame in reconciliation....

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:43 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

looking forward posted 9/12/2013 21:47 PM

Is this normal after about 12 months?

For me, it is not getting mad at my H's triggers; it is frustration that he won't open up at the beginning of his downward spiral episodes. It becomes obvious when I feel that his remarks to me are short, curt, sometimes (in my mind)rude, snappish, etc. So then we end up with a confrontation of sorts. I get mad due to shame & guilt, and we stay in the pits for who knows how long.
Yes, we have communication issues.

Normal after 12 months?
I don't know.
It's been almost 4 1/2 years!

@ bionicgal:
I absolutely agree with you.
Well articulated!

FR2012 posted 9/13/2013 23:02 PM

Speaking from a FWW perspective.

I will admit that I get frustrated but not for the reason you would think. I actually get frustrated and angry at myself. The reason being that I am upset that I am the one that caused all of this to begin with. I hate that he triggers because of what I did. I hate that he is sad because of me. But it is something I did and I have to deal with. I am here to help him in any way I can.

To get back to your question though, no your wife shouldn't be getting mad at you or making any kind of snide remarks about your triggers. If anything she should be owning it because she is the reason you are having these triggers to begin with.

It seems like your wife still has a lot of work to do. I really hope she will do the work to be where she needs to be to help you heal.