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Thefly559 posted 9/12/2013 10:28 AM

So I spend hours on this site giving my two cents and sometimes I cant even follow my own advice! Does this happen to others? End of summer here ,kids back to school every year we went on the same vacation ,this time I did it with just the kids and myself! tough time emotionally.So many triggers ! yes You people were all right , the pain intensity is much less and the thoughts are few and for between but still there , not sure whether to fight them ? or dive in! ( I am more of the dive kind of guy ) . three more days till her birthday . To know she loves another and will spend that night with him as I probably sob like a wuss! dam I used to be so strong ! no guy person could ever hurt me like this . shit ok , don't want to have a drink to get edge off because I am not a drinker and when I do well lets say I don't give a shit anymore! any suggestions lol?Right now 5 months into d day and don't ever see the pain ending , subsiding but never ending. hope my rant wasn't too long . Thanks to all

hardtimesinlife posted 9/12/2013 10:46 AM

I just had a solo vacation myself. It was better than expected in some ways and worse in others.

I understand what you are going through and thought I'd share some things I am doing. First I wrote myself a "Dear Me" letter when feeling strong. I listed all the reasons I could not stay in the relationship. I listed all the ways I was being devalued and all the times I had been hurt. On the bad days I will pull that out and read it. The other thing I did was make a list of the things I do not and will not miss. I add to this list at least once a week. Again, I pull it out when I am feeling low. It helps.

Hang in there. It gets better every day.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 10:47 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

Thefly559 posted 9/12/2013 11:06 AM

That is a great idea. I will try it. Thank you ! Hard time

nowiknow23 posted 9/12/2013 12:51 PM

The key for me was turning my focus away. Putting any kind of thought, time, or energy into trying to figure her out, wonder about what she's doing, where she is, or who she's with is almost guaranteed to bring you pain.

So look away, Thefly. Put your focus on you and the kids. Invest your time and energy there. If you find yourself looking in the rear view mirror, snap the rubber band around your wrist, and get back to the job of living your life.

This is your story now, not hers.


Eyeofthetiger posted 9/12/2013 15:03 PM

If you find a way to make the pain go away please fill me in!!

I have this constant feeling like this isn't the end. That this is just a bump in the road and my H will come back. Then reality hits am I am left with the thought that he will never be with me again.

I feel your pain!! Wish I could give good advice but I don't have any. There is the obv of "keep yourself busy" or "think of other things" but I know that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do or think, it always leads back to them.

Thefly559 posted 9/12/2013 15:08 PM

Eye of tiger. Thank you. So true.

Simple posted 9/12/2013 15:52 PM

So I spend hours on this site giving my two cents and sometimes I cant even follow my own advice!

I think that's true for everyone! We're a large support group so to speak everyone entitled to their own opinion and which advice they'd rather take.

Sometimes helping other people in similar situation helps diminish the pain. Sometimes just sharing your story helps.

It does get better. Each of us has a way of working through it. With me, in an R, I have a key word my husband knows and he's got a process he follows. Physical contact, comforting words, his time, highlighting things he's done right so far-enumerating it actually so that I focus on facts and try to be more logical in the face of intense emotions.

Hugs your way.

Abbondad posted 9/13/2013 04:55 AM

yes You people were all right , the pain intensity is much less


I wanted to check up on you since I responded to your post this time a month ago. I am so glad your pain has decreased--if only to some extent. As long as it's going in the right direction!

In tracking the "arc" of my emotional pain over the past month or so, I see a pattern: "rising...falling...rising....falling...falling...falling...rising...falling...stagnating....falling...falling...rising..." etc. In other words a few steps forward, one step back, stagnation, then one step forward.

Until you look back over the course of a month and you realize you've actually been travelling forward. It's just that in the moment it's difficult to gauge. The pain is just the pain.

But that horrific anguish? Utter despair? It's gone. If I love her on any level, it must be buried so far beneath layers in my mind that it is unrecognizable.

I certainly know I am not in love with my STBXWW and I no longer want her in my life. (Never thought I'd be able to say that with certainty.) And that is enough for now.

Again, glad to know you're in a better place.

Dawn58 posted 9/13/2013 05:12 AM

The pain does go away. I am almost 9 1/2 months from dday. I found my laughter a couple of weeks ago and have moments of contentment and happiness. I still feel pain at times, the anger comes up too. But far less than before.

Thefly559 posted 9/13/2013 05:13 AM

Abbondad. Our stories our so similar it is scary. I hope you are doing well also thanks for checking in. All the best

jjct posted 9/13/2013 07:19 AM

fly))) I just want to bear you up - I think you're an amazing person, with all you are going through - to be posting support to other noobs, in the face of your own crazy sitch?

You are a strong man. You are a good person, fly)))

Thefly559 posted 9/13/2013 14:50 PM

Diddo brother thank you. Jjct. And all who replied

StillLivin posted 9/14/2013 21:41 PM

I Hate That We Are All Going Through This Crap. It Really Sucks.b Been Crying All Day Today. Had A Great Couple Of Weeks, Now This Crap.
Hope Your Day Tomorrow Is Better!

Thefly559 posted 9/14/2013 21:49 PM

( still livin ) today was a tough day for me as well . Sorry for your pain too thanks for your comfort. Stay strong as can be expected. Sometimes I want so bad to break no contact. I grab the phone and actually write the text out but knowing she loves another and doesn't give a shit about me , I stop. Hard as hell but I stop!

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