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This happens to others...not me!

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miranda71 posted 9/12/2013 11:23 AM

Well where do I start, I have been happily married for 20 years and living in a long distance relationship mutually decided on, due to the armed forces for almost 2 years, he is posted to a small town which at first he hated, but emerged himself in a local gym to past the time and was hooked, he talked of nothing else unless it was fitness and supplements, he was always a vain man and the new body he developed further enhanced his vanity, on his visits home we were subjected to viewing the hard work he had done to create a chiseled body, I was proud of how he looked, did I gush and sigh every time this Adonis walked in...I was his wife of 20y i loved him no matter what he looked like and told him so, i was also tired from working full time and raising three kids alone...whilst things seemed distant between us due to our busy lives, we made plans for the future when he would be back living with us and the children and I counted down the months till that was to happen, comfortable in the knowledge that he missed us as much as we missed him (you believe it if the person says it enough times)...last week he called and said we needed to talk, he said since his father died a few months before it changed him, and he wanted to separate,he wasn't the same person anymore... I wasn't sure how far he wanted me to go I was already living in a different state, I was in shock as I had no inkling he was that unhappy, i knew we had become distant as the distance was taking its toll but didn't think we had got to where he said we were! In retrospect I didn't even warrant being spoken to in person after all the sacrifices I made for his career, following him all over the country.
I said okay (what was I going to and I stumbled through the first week coping with the fall out from the kids and dealing with the loss myself...I was getting to point where I actually thought yep he is right maybe we will be happier apart, when another bombshell was dropped in his quest to ensure his secret life was not disclosed he made sure on face book he blocked everyone that knew him in his "previous life" so that he could carry on his after with a fellow gym junkie...this was only discovered because he had forgotten to block our there he was posting pics of the two of them so cosy, for his "new friends to see" add fuel to the fire he had stated he was in a relationship with her....really....funny thing is I thought we were married...silly me!
I sent an SMS and asked who the female was? He said the photo of the two of them was taken at a work dinner they attended, (I've never attended a work dinner in his 15 yr career), I said are you always in a relationship with everyone you go out to dinner reply funny that! He said he didn't tell me about her as he was trying to save me....from getting hurt...oh what a saint!!! Then his SMS were filled with contrite comments like, I know I have hurt you and I'm a bad person you deserve better blah blah...I am a coward etc...then he said I should have had the courage to leave years ago when I was unhappy, I didn't try to work at it...because I didn't want to...nothing like the whispers of sweet nothing's to blow your esteem...when I asked him how did this happen he stated they were friends at the gym and it turned into something that even a valid explanation??
I have been on an emotional roller coaster and each child has dealt with it differently which requires different approaches for me...all three have refused to speak with him since the pictures were unveiled...has he taken any accountability for their he says "he will contact them when the dust settles" he delusional or is it just me!!! I have varied b/w murder, anger, sadness, loss and grief...sometimes i find myself so distracted that I forgot any of the above happened...and then it comes flooding back and I am hit square in the chest again...but with counseling which we will all attend....and a fantastic support system...the only one who will suffer from this will be him.

MovingUpward posted 9/12/2013 11:58 AM

but with counseling which we will all attend....and a fantastic support system...the only one who will suffer from this will be him.

This is a great attitude. Welcome miranda71. I know that you are in pain from all of this and I am glad that you have join us here for help. We will do so as best we can.

has he taken any accountability for their he says "he will contact them when the dust settles" he delusional or is it just me!!!

He sounds cowardly which doesn't surprise me after how he broke the news.

Expect the rollercoaster of emotions to exist. Try to recognize when you are starting to enter into a downward phase and seek support. At this time remembering to do the basics are important. Eating, staying hydrated, sleeping and even exercising will be of help to you.

You have the unpleasant role of having to help your kids work through this, but luckily for them you sound like a very strong and caring mother.

miranda71 posted 9/12/2013 12:03 PM

Thank you for your kind I guess stalking the two of is out????

miranda71 posted 9/12/2013 12:08 PM

Thank you for your kind I guess stalking the two of them is out????

MovingUpward posted 9/12/2013 12:14 PM

I am not sure what stalking to two of them would do to help you out. Right now getting you through the healing is what you have the most control over. Unfortunately we can't force someone to want to love us. If your husband doesn't want to be there because he is a dunderhead then he won't be there. So at this time you have to see that life is precious. Heal yourself to best enjoy it. If he proceeds with a D ask for everything because it was his wish to "save me....from getting hurt". So we wouldn't want him to renege on that.

If he doesn't file for a D and you aren't ready to do so then that is ok. Take some time and get so it doesn't seem like the room is spinning and then move forward.

BTW the extreme anger to the point of murder, I experienced that too. It really woke me up and I am glad I reached out for help before ever acting on it.

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 12:15 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

nowiknow23 posted 9/12/2013 12:42 PM

Welcome, miranda. I'm so sorry that you have reason to be here, but very glad that you found your way to SI.

You know, don't you, that he didn't cheat because of anything lacking in you? He didn't cheat because you weren't admiring him enough. He didn't cheat because of the distance or his father's death, even. Those may have been justifications in his mind, but his actions are his alone and his to own.

You sound very strong, even if you don't always feel that way. This is a lot to process, and it has fallen on your head out of the clear blue sky. Self-care is critical during these early days, especially since your children are counting on you.

This is all still very new to you. It's perfectly natural for your emotions to be all over the map. We call this the rollercoaster. It will get better with time, but for now, you need to practice some self-care to get you through this in a healthy way.

Drink plenty of water and eat something, even if you don't feel like it.

Try to get regular sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, please discuss this with your doctor so you can get some assistance. You will not be able to care for yourself or your children if you are not getting sufficient sleep.

Get your body moving in some way - walking, running, riding a bike, going up and down stairs - whatever works for you and your schedule. The endorphins from exercise will help with your emotional state and with relieving some of the stress and anxiety.

Read up in the Healing Library. You can find a link to it in the upper lefthand corner of your screen in the yellow box.

Keep posting. There's always someone here for you. ((((hugs))))

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 12:42 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

1Faith posted 9/12/2013 13:10 PM


I am sorry you have found yourself here and I am sorry that you and your children are hurting due to you WH's selfish and self serving actions and behavior.

Please know that this is a safe place for you. A place of healing and support. We have all been hit with the infidelity storm.

It is terrible, awful and unfair but you can and will come out the other side. I promise you, you will.

Feel everything you need to feel and know that it is completely normal. Yes, even from murder to sadness to grief. All part of the 5 stages of grief.

We are here for you. Stay strong and know that you will be okay.

Hugs and prayers -


I found this article and thought it might be helpful. I hope it helps and doesn't add more pain. Sending hugs.


Why Do They Leave?

All too often we hear it. “The marriage was killing me, the love is gone, and we’ve grown apart”. It’s as if the marriage is an animate entity that made the wayward spouses do what they chose to do.

They rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. They convince themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really doesn’t love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one that understands them. Next begins the repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed. In the affair, the wayward partner falls in love with the illusion of themselves that they have created. Period. Their true selves are warped and then reflected back to them. It is an escape from the everyday realities that must be dealt with and an escape from who they really are.

Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies they’ve told themselves. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. Wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, they don’t have to blame it on themselves. They can blame “it” on the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at ourselves. Some of us don’t know how to look at ourselves. Some of us never think of looking at ourselves.

It's not that they were necessarily unhappy with the marriage. What happens in many typical cases is that the situation is perfectly good. But then enter the other person. A relationship starts developing with the other person and energy that should have gone into the marriage is redirected. As this relationship deepens, walls are put up to prevent the faithful spouse from connecting emotionally with the wayward spouse. In essence, it's not the marriage that is killing the wayward spouse; it's the wayward spouse that's killing the marriage. The current situation becomes unhappy, because it was made unhappy.

When they leave, they aren't running from the marriage - they're running from themselves. Some people have the narcissistic notion that they are spotless white knights or pure maidens and they can't go back to what they destroyed because they would have to face themselves and put in the effort to make it right. Romantic relationships are often idealized in that we will get what we want without putting in the effort required. However, the status of a relationship is simply the output of what is invested in it. Couple this with the devaluation of the faithful spouse that the wayward spouse cultivates and it is easy to see why. Leaving the marriage offers the path of least resistance for them and the easiest way to deal with the mess they have created -by starting fresh and denial of the truth.

If your partner/spouse leaves and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair and to escape out of ignorance, fear, or inadequacy.

miranda71 posted 9/12/2013 13:16 PM

I agree taking care of my self should be the focus...but food is the last thing on my mind....sadly the betrayal and anger is keeping me fueled at the moment.
How can men be so uncaring and cold....I wish I had the ability to just pack my family in box and set them out of sight out of mind....this is a man who berated any cheaters...that crossed his does he justify his actions...because he feel out of love??? I didn't even get a chance to try to fix things....

miranda71 posted 9/12/2013 13:19 PM

The saddest part is...I would have taken him back if he asked to if it was the separation do you come back after he's been WITH another women, we were both each others firsts...and the thought makes me ill!!!!

nowiknow23 posted 9/12/2013 14:19 PM

How can men be so uncaring and cold...
Read around here, miranda, and you'll see there are both men AND women who are capable of such things. It boggles the mind.


elliephant posted 9/12/2013 14:33 PM


You did nothing to deserve the pain he brought you and your family, stay strong and keep your head up!

Focus on being healthy and happy, try something new, seek out support from your family and friends and of course SI is always here for you.

anewday78 posted 9/12/2013 15:46 PM

I'm so sorry for your troubles, Miranda. This has to be such a crushing blow to you and your children. Your husband sounds like a vain, selfish, narcissistic, jerk. Who blocks their CHILDREN on Facebook just so he can post photos of his side-piece? A complete scumbag, that's who.

Have you seen an attorney to file for a temporary order for child support? Don't rely on whatever money he's giving you now without involving the courts. What if he gets his affair partner pregnant? You need to safeguard your children by securing a good portion of his pay through the courts.

heartache101 posted 9/12/2013 16:07 PM

Anewday is right if nothing else file for legal separation and get child support full custody and spousal support. He has outed his affair so maybe your state will be in your favor there?
If you can not eat go get a supplement boost ensure etc..
You have to keep your strength up.

miranda71 posted 9/12/2013 17:38 PM

He hasn't touched any of the accounts and won't, he can't get her pregnant (medically impossible) he has already said take whatever you and the kids need. I work in the area of separated families so I am well versed on the intricacy of the system...none of that helps to make sense of it all...

miranda71 posted 9/12/2013 17:59 PM

One of the last emails Prior to dday i sent him stated that he needed to step up as a husband and father, as his calls were sporadic and he was distant, when he ended things he said he realized he couldn't be who i wanted him to the question remains did I ask too much of him? Why should I have to ask at all....was it that he couldn't be or didn't want to be...why should I have to ask him to step up at all??? I have been awake since 4.30am at work by 8am, do you know what I spent the night doing? Staring at their Facebook pages and watching the location of his I going mad???

Skan posted 9/12/2013 19:04 PM

Well, since he told you to take what you need, take it and get it all into an account that he can't touch. And file so that you get CS and any SS that you're entitled to, legally required for the time when his Gym Rat OW decides that she needs to be the primary person he monetarily supports. (((hugs)))

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