but with counseling which we will all attend....and a fantastic support system...the only one who will suffer from this will be him.
This is a great attitude. Welcome miranda71. I know that you are in pain from all of this and I am glad that you have join us here for help. We will do so as best we can.
has he taken any accountability for their suffering....no he says "he will contact them when the dust settles"....is he delusional or is it just me!!!
He sounds cowardly which doesn't surprise me after how he broke the news.
Expect the rollercoaster of emotions to exist. Try to recognize when you are starting to enter into a downward phase and seek support. At this time remembering to do the basics are important. Eating, staying hydrated, sleeping and even exercising will be of help to you.
You have the unpleasant role of having to help your kids work through this, but luckily for them you sound like a very strong and caring mother.
If he doesn't file for a D and you aren't ready to do so then that is ok. Take some time and get so it doesn't seem like the room is spinning and then move forward.
BTW the extreme anger to the point of murder, I experienced that too. It really woke me up and I am glad I reached out for help before ever acting on it.
[This message edited by MovingUpward at 12:15 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
You know, don't you, that he didn't cheat because of anything lacking in you? He didn't cheat because you weren't admiring him enough. He didn't cheat because of the distance or his father's death, even. Those may have been justifications in his mind, but his actions are his alone and his to own.
You sound very strong, even if you don't always feel that way. This is a lot to process, and it has fallen on your head out of the clear blue sky. Self-care is critical during these early days, especially since your children are counting on you.
This is all still very new to you. It's perfectly natural for your emotions to be all over the map. We call this the rollercoaster. It will get better with time, but for now, you need to practice some self-care to get you through this in a healthy way.
Drink plenty of water and eat something, even if you don't feel like it.
Try to get regular sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, please discuss this with your doctor so you can get some assistance. You will not be able to care for yourself or your children if you are not getting sufficient sleep.
Get your body moving in some way - walking, running, riding a bike, going up and down stairs - whatever works for you and your schedule. The endorphins from exercise will help with your emotional state and with relieving some of the stress and anxiety.
Read up in the Healing Library. You can find a link to it in the upper lefthand corner of your screen in the yellow box.
Keep posting. There's always someone here for you. ((((hugs))))
[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 12:42 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
I am sorry you have found yourself here and I am sorry that you and your children are hurting due to you WH's selfish and self serving actions and behavior.
Please know that this is a safe place for you. A place of healing and support. We have all been hit with the infidelity storm.
It is terrible, awful and unfair but you can and will come out the other side. I promise you, you will.
Feel everything you need to feel and know that it is completely normal. Yes, even from murder to sadness to grief. All part of the 5 stages of grief.
We are here for you. Stay strong and know that you will be okay.
Hugs and prayers -
I found this article and thought it might be helpful. I hope it helps and doesn't add more pain. Sending hugs.
Why Do They Leave?
All too often we hear it. “The marriage was killing me, the love is gone, and we’ve grown apart”. It’s as if the marriage is an animate entity that made the wayward spouses do what they chose to do.
They rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. They convince themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really doesn’t love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one that understands them. Next begins the repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed. In the affair, the wayward partner falls in love with the illusion of themselves that they have created. Period. Their true selves are warped and then reflected back to them. It is an escape from the everyday realities that must be dealt with and an escape from who they really are.
Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies they’ve told themselves. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. Wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, they don’t have to blame it on themselves. They can blame “it” on the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at ourselves. Some of us don’t know how to look at ourselves. Some of us never think of looking at ourselves.
It's not that they were necessarily unhappy with the marriage. What happens in many typical cases is that the situation is perfectly good. But then enter the other person. A relationship starts developing with the other person and energy that should have gone into the marriage is redirected. As this relationship deepens, walls are put up to prevent the faithful spouse from connecting emotionally with the wayward spouse. In essence, it's not the marriage that is killing the wayward spouse; it's the wayward spouse that's killing the marriage. The current situation becomes unhappy, because it was made unhappy.
When they leave, they aren't running from the marriage - they're running from themselves. Some people have the narcissistic notion that they are spotless white knights or pure maidens and they can't go back to what they destroyed because they would have to face themselves and put in the effort to make it right. Romantic relationships are often idealized in that we will get what we want without putting in the effort required. However, the status of a relationship is simply the output of what is invested in it. Couple this with the devaluation of the faithful spouse that the wayward spouse cultivates and it is easy to see why. Leaving the marriage offers the path of least resistance for them and the easiest way to deal with the mess they have created -by starting fresh and denial of the truth.
If your partner/spouse leaves and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair and to escape out of ignorance, fear, or inadequacy.
How can men be so uncaring and cold...
You did nothing to deserve the pain he brought you and your family, stay strong and keep your head up!
Focus on being healthy and happy, try something new, seek out support from your family and friends and of course SI is always here for you.
Have you seen an attorney to file for a temporary order for child support? Don't rely on whatever money he's giving you now without involving the courts. What if he gets his affair partner pregnant? You need to safeguard your children by securing a good portion of his pay through the courts.
D-Day, June 10, 2012