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Triggering today, bad week.

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2married2quit posted 9/12/2013 14:55 PM

So I had a bad dream last night about W and it just ruined my day. Been depressed anyway but this just ruined it all.

Idk, I just feel like things aren't right. She wants to go out with her friends, so she did last night. Then again on Saturday and I have to stay home alone waiting. Like I know she wants to have fun because this funk sucks, but I feel left out. Second place. Like a burden. She sees me, she sees her mistake. So I told her today. She's like why do you feel like this? And I'm like, "for months you said I don't love you". It sinks in after a while ya know.

Then I start to think that I'm too attached? I'm stupid for sticking around? Her feelings for me are not clearly defined and it gives me too much insecurity.

I'm dying. The love of my life cheated on me and is insecure about being with me. WTF?

Jrazz posted 9/12/2013 15:25 PM

What are you two doing in regards to spending time together or therapy?

One year out is a drop in the bucket for this whole ordeal. She shouldn't be at the "Sorry but I need to have fun so I'm going out with my friends while you sit home alone" point at all.

If her not saying I love you is bothering you, you need to tell her as soon as you have the feelings instead of waiting 6 months, because what happens is that you build up resentment and she can sense that and if she's not the type to ask what's wrong it just becomes this emotional death spiral.

So, yeah. You should be working on what you can do to feel secure and happy, and she should be more respectful of your feelings under the circumstances.

I'm sorry it's been a bad week. Don't beat yourself up - just try to dig yourself out. Every day is a chance to try something new.

(((2m2q)))

2married2quit posted 9/12/2013 15:50 PM

Thank you Jrazz. No therapy here. She couldn't handle it facing so much and we ran out of money anyway. Did a few books, but she's back to rug sweeping, but hey, my triggers keep a reality check I suppose.

She's still in limbo mostly out of depression, guilt and shame. Doesn't feel anything she says. Yet in the evening she snuggles, she hugs me and acts like she needs me. But another side of her is independent and doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore because she ruined it. Sounds like a slight bipolar-ism if you ask me. But that's how she is. :(

MsRukia posted 9/12/2013 16:14 PM

((Hugs)) that's super hard not knowing if you have any security. It could be that in those times where she is affectionate that she is trying to reconnect with you. If she hasn't dealt with her feelings on what she did, it's going to continue to keep a wedge between you. I don't have advice for how to fix it, but it's something to think about.

FragileStrength posted 9/12/2013 17:56 PM

I'm really sorry to hear it's a bad week. :( I hate bad DAYS... bad weeks are just horrid :(

Have you done anything for you and you alone? If she's not gung ho about doing joint activities, then maybe it's time for you to do the same? Not to fight fire with fire, but to help you build up self love. Not that I'm an expert, but it seems to be what most agree as the primary resolution to self recovery.

Best of luck to you and these damned triggers!

2married2quit posted 9/13/2013 08:12 AM

Fell apart bad last night. Almost crashed my car (accidentally) but part of me wanted to end it. Finances are bad right now. My business is not making money so she's pulling the load. Makes me really adorable and lovable of course. She works hard and we can hardly pay the mortgage. I may leave SI for a bit. I need to escape all this.

StillStanding1 posted 9/13/2013 08:30 AM

((((2M2Q))))

Please please please take care of yourself and find someone in real life to talk to. Have you seen a doctor about some anti-D meds?

I can totally relate to your story -- my WH has kept me confused for months, although we are working on R. Due to some awfully "foggy" things he has said on occasion, I dwell on those things and they just feed my insecurity. I, too, question whether I am a complete fool sometimes. This is definitely a rollercoaster and right now you are at the bottom. That doesn't mean you will stay there!!!!

Sending hugs and wishing you strength! We all know how completely awful this is.... Hang in there!

sisoon posted 9/13/2013 09:47 AM

How does leaving SI help you escape anything? Leave as step toward your healing, if that's what you think dropping out will do, but don't leave to 'escape'.

The evidence (your posts) says to me that your W just isn't willing to do the work necessary to become a great - or even good - partner. She'd rather feel guilty and suppress that by going out with friends. Dodging IC and going out to play, especially on a weekend, without you just aren't things a WS committed to R does.

You're in charge of your life. If you want to wait around longer and see if she changes, that could be OK. If you make a positive decision to wait, it's (probably) a positive step towards healing for you. If you don't want to do anything drastic now, it's OK, as long as you choose this course because it's what you want.

OTOH, I don't see how staying home alone feeling bad for yourself helps you.

You've come a good way in the last year, but you still need to do a lot of work to find your strengths and to realize you're OK on your own. I've forgotten if you have kids, but if your W wants to go out alone, she needs to engage a babysitter - you're not it.

I get the financial and emotional pressure of a business that's not doing well. My father, a retailer, went broke when I was 16, and that still affects me. I can't imagine how it affected him.

But there are things you can do outside your home that don't cost much money. Go to a wide open space and think about ways to improve your business. Go to a book store and browse ways to figure out if you even want to be in your business. Go to the library and read about something you've never thought of. If you stay home, do something gentle and soothing for yourself.

And don't be so quick to leave SI. If you own your life, you'll get lots of support even when people disagree with your decisions. You need support from other people, bro. Don't turn your back on it. (But if you sign on some day and say, 'Goodbye, guys. I've gotten all I want from SI,' I bet you'll get a lot for support for that decision, too.)

You may be too married to quit, but you can still be yourself.

(((2m2q)))

2married2quit posted 9/16/2013 11:29 AM

Thank you guys for the support. You don't know how much I appreciate this. I do not want to come off as some sort of drama person, but I do express my feelings when I feel them. Sometimes I think this could make me weak, but at the same time it is one of my strengths because I do express what I feel. Unlike my FWW that kept in her unhappiness about our M for years resulting in a volcano eruption called an Affair plus the "I'm not in LOVE with you anymore". When the root cause has lots to do with her rather than me. (not saying I'm perfect).

The point is, that I appreciate the immediate feedback here and the care from victims such as I and even some WWS that do respond from time to time. The pain is real and moving on is great, but once in a while you get that dream or something that triggers you and you feel like you've fallen back in the DDAY feelings. DDAY feelings is the worse place to be. I know I felt them last week and it just threw everything off. Even my FWW went through all those feelings of guilt, shame, self loathing as I triggered her too. For a moment we were helpless, hopeless and in a horrible place all over again.

We did have good positive and forward thinking weekend though. Where we sympathized with each other's feelings and especially with triggers. I had her read some stuff here and she opened her eyes to the fact that this is normal, it will happen and it doesn't mean it's the end of the marriage.

Although she says she still feels numb about me, I'm starting to feel from her something different. I am starting to feel that she does have feelings for me and they are love. Not sure she recognizes them fully yet. But that same 6th sense that told me "her heart is not here anymore and something is going on" is telling me "she's starting to fall back in love".

I'll remain here, but I'm afraid of getting stuck in the past reading this stuff. I do want to help others.

WeepingWillow1 posted 9/16/2013 15:03 PM

"She sees me, she sees her mistake."

I know this feeling. Nobody wants to be reminded of their mistakes 24/7. I feel like when my husband looks at me, he sees someone who he will never please because he messed up SO badly. It's a viscous cycle that makes me wonder if an R is ever truly possible.

2married2quit posted 9/16/2013 15:16 PM

It's a viscous cycle that makes me wonder if an R is ever truly possible.

I wonder that too WeepingWillow1

StillStanding1 posted 9/16/2013 17:07 PM

And I wonder that ^^^ too!!!!

I am glad you had a good weekend and that your rollercoaster is headed "up" right now!

Glad you are feeling like there is hope in her eyes (and heart) even if she doesn't recognize it yet. This all sounds good!

Know that we are always here and we've got your back!

5454real posted 9/16/2013 17:23 PM

Hey brother, sorry it's been a tough week.

I have to admit to some concern.

Although she says she still feels numb about me, I'm starting to feel from her something different. I am starting to feel that she does have feelings for me and they are love. Not sure she recognizes them fully yet. But that same 6th sense that told me "her heart is not here anymore and something is going on" is telling me "she's starting to fall back in love".

Please guard your heart well. Why do you get the feeling she's falling back in love when she does....

She wants to go out with her friends, so she did last night. Then again on Saturday and I have to stay home alone waiting

She's showing you who her priorities are. Why aren't you first?

Strength

sisoon posted 9/16/2013 17:37 PM

I do want to help others.

Many times I come here to post and find someone has posted about the very same issue I'm having. That gives me ready-made, immediate support.

My bet is that opening a thread more often than not helps more people than you'll ever know about.

Teach8 posted 9/16/2013 17:54 PM

Hey 2m2q...you and I started this messed up journey together...our ddays are only a month and a half apart and our registration dates are the same. I always read your posts because I feel like I can relate. I will wholeheartedly agree with jrazz in that we are at a drop in the bucket of this journey. But I also want to mention that my fwh has not asked for one "guys night" since this whole roller coaster began. Not that he never has time to do anything at all...but he usually doesn't take time that could be spent together to do things without me. I think at this point, that would really trigger and hurt me too. I'm not really sure I have advice, but just want you to know I get it...and I'm sorry you are hurting.

Jrazz posted 9/16/2013 18:06 PM

I do not want to come off as some sort of drama person, but I do express my feelings when I feel them.

Expressing feelings when you feel them is the mark of a healthy person, not a "drama person."

This kind of betrayal is rife with drama, it just comes with the territory and that's why we come here to lean on people who understand.

(t/j - Teach8's comment about the two of you being on here at the same time reminds me of my friend sisoon (see above) and the fact that he and I went through a lot of this together. )

Rebreather posted 9/16/2013 18:10 PM

I feel like when my husband looks at me, he sees someone who he will never please because he messed up SO badly.

I think the truly remorseful look at it like "when my husband looks at me, he sees someone he will spend his life happily working to please to make up for what he messed up so badly."

There is no reason the wayward should see us as work, or a liability. That is all about them. Working to heal things is all about us. The shift in perspective is pretty critical for long term success.

2married2quit posted 9/17/2013 15:27 PM

Thank you guys for the incredible support. I'll try to answer each one of you:


5454real - Yes, guarding my heart. I only take steps forward when it's safe.

StillStanding1 - THANK YOU!

sisoon - If I can ease the pain of anyone going through this, I'd be the first to do so. This pain is unbearable.

Teach8 - Thank you for your support and glad our journey has some common ground. It's unfortunate to meet this way and that this journey has happened in the first place, but we're here, what can we do? FWW and I have talked about her going out and it's become a bit of her being flexible and me too. Both are taking baby steps.

Jrazz - I agree. Expressing your feelings is healthy, but I do not want to come across as a pity party. Because I do cry for me sometimes. lol

2married2quit posted 9/20/2013 16:30 PM

Glad this was over a week ago. Boy was that a bad day or what. Huh!!!!

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