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When is enough enough...

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eternallove posted 9/12/2013 15:31 PM

Sadly I am in a place right now where I don’t really know which way to turn. Dday was Feb 2013 which I know isn’t all that long ago but at what point is enough enough. I know that I made mistakes in being a WG as well as made mistakes in telling my BB the trickle truth. But now its not even a matter of what I did anymore that constantly resurfaces- he simply says that he doesn’t believe me. In my case my A was “small” is you can call any A small. It consisted of a dog park, a kiss, and shopping. But he refuses to believe that I didn’t have sex with this guy. He is more distraught and upset about the fact that I went to this guys house than the event that actually occurred. Which I understand and trust me I have been more than understanding in this entire process. I have given him everything he wants from me. If he wants me to leave the house, I leave. When he tells me to come back, I come back. But it hurts me so bad that everytime we finally make a break through and are in a happy, good place- he switches gears on me randomly. I never know what to expect. I guess this is normal idk im new to the site. But he has admitted to me that the only reason he does these things is because he wants to see me hurt. Which at first I understood and felt that I deserved to hurt- look at the hurt I caused him. But at what point is it enough? Hes not just hurting me when he does these things hes hurting himself. Am I causing more harm than good to him by fighting tooth and nail for this? Is all of this a “normal” part of the process of R? IDK I am just feeling really lost right now and could use some guidance from people who have experienced this before. I love him more than anything in this world and would do anything to stay with him. By no means am I ready to give up. I just need guidance.

Aubrie posted 9/12/2013 15:42 PM

Well I only chatted with AP #3 online. Sent one pic of my face. Nothing sexual. Why is my husband making a big deal out of it?

Honestly, cheating is cheating. Whether it's a kiss, petting, full blown wild monkey sex, deviant kinks, cyber, or whatever else. We don't get to decide whether our BS should feel betrayed or not. They have their own feelings and they are allowed to feel what they feel. Stop discounting his feelings.

Take a polygraph. If you didn't have sex and your BF thinks you did, offer a poly. He can ask whatever questions he wants, and maybe it will give him some peace of mind.

Now, if he's saying that he's in full on "Punish eternallove because she hurt me", then that's a whole other kettle of fish. Because then, when does the punishment end? Who decides that? At what point is the punishment enough?

What kind of work have you done on yourself? Have you gotten to your whys? What have you done to safeguard yourself against another affair?

Deanna posted 9/12/2013 21:17 PM

My husband did not have sex with the OW. I agonized over this for many months. It is not the norm from what I have researched. I think as BS's it is hard to believe sex didn't happen. Honestly we don't want to be made more of a fool than we ready feel we are.
As the other poster said you could offer a poly. At the advice of a MC and IC we decided against a poly.
Perhaps in your case it might help.

Unagie posted 9/13/2013 01:08 AM

Just a quick response read how many time you said I in your post. The post doesn't feel like its about understanding your BBF but rather getting some kind of okay that you have a right to feel exasperated. 2-5 years is the quoted time frame to heal from infidelity and it's called a roller coaster for a reason. There will be highs and lows and the lows hit hard. If you're not in it for the long haul you will burn out. I suggest you start working on your whys, not just why you cheated but also why you are trying so hard to justify and minimize it.

Neznayou posted 9/13/2013 04:05 AM

You didn't mention anything about counseling. I feel like our relationship was in the ICU on life support for quite some time after DDay. Our MC/IC deserves so much credit for helping us learn what we've each needed to do to heal from the A, recognize the dysfunctions we each had, and safeguard our treasured relationship against future As. (There will be none!)

DDay was over a year ago. We see our one counselor together once a week, and we each have individual sessions with her 2- 3 times a week.

Listeningclosely posted 9/13/2013 09:56 AM

When is enough enough? When enough time has passed for your BBF to heal. There is no magic timeline that says someone can recover from this in a month, a year or a decade. Two sentences you included cannot coexist.

But at what point is it enough

I love him more than anything in this world and would do anything to stay with him

There are many people in this world who will say they will do anything for their BS/BBF/BGF, but what they really mean is they will do anything as long as it doesn't continue to hurt them. If your BBF taking longer than you would like to heal is your breaking point, then you are not willing to do anything. You are only willing to do something short of anything.

Remember that when we shatter the trust of our BS, no number of times we repeat what did and did not happen can replace their fear. You can say over and over "it was just a kiss", but how can he believe that? His mind is going to the worst case scenario. That you are making light of your actions by thinking of it as a "small A" and that what really happened was something much bigger.

When is enough enough? When either you or he decide that living life this way cannot continue. You do have a choice - to walk away from the relationship. So does he. The fact he asks for you back is a sign that there is enough in him to think there might be a future worth hanging on to.

If you are willing to do anything, then stay. Get IC for yourself, consistently offer to go to couples counseling with him if it will help him, and face the consequences of your actions.

If not, then leave the relationship. But admit to yourself that you were not willing to do anything, just something less than that, to save the relationship.

authenticnow posted 9/15/2013 17:51 PM

Be completely transparent, be empathetic, be patient. Answer all his questions truthfully.

This is going to take months, is a long road. You need to be patient.

authenticnow posted 9/15/2013 18:04 PM

Read The Life Boat thread. I just bumped it for you. I think you'll get some good perspective from it.

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