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cluless posted 9/12/2013 18:59 PM

I'm on day 11 after finding out about PA/EA. I talk to my H to try to get answers, try to wrap my mind around what he did. The pain is getting worse, NOT lessening. I have thoughts of driving off a cliff now, whereas before I NEVER would dream of doing this, knowing intellectually neither one of them are worth it.

My H is trying to give me the answers, but what he tells me makes me so bad and feel even more betrayed, it's hard to believe that anybody could be that callous. Who am I married to? I tell him how devastated. I feel and have thoughts of hurting myself and he gets mad at me, and then threatens to leave me so I'll feel better, or he'll kill himself.

None of this, him getting mad at the repeated questions, the ones that make absolutely no sense, then begins to yell at me, which then reminds me of our married life together. What am I fighting for? If this man that I loved could do this to me what do we have? He got the idea to contact her when I was grieving the loss of my son to drugs, I was working through Alanon and was on the 8th step. He NEVER did any of the steps, but then immediately thought of her and HAD to contact her to make amends. While I'm in the hospital mending from the 4th surgery I've had in 2 years, he's sexting her while sitting next to my bed. How could he love me?

I just can't do this anymore, too many betrayers have come before, will never trust anyone again. I'd rather be lonely and alone then go through this pain again.

Broken1Again posted 9/12/2013 19:19 PM

Hugs hugs hugs...many hugs. You may feel lonely right now but you are definitely not alone! You have us...

I do know where you are coming from. You will feel lonely for awhile but I think eventually you will start to feel empowered and independent. You will be happy again. Happy that you won't have to wonder about his crap. Happy that you can do whatever you want and not wonder who he is texting, calling etc...

Loneliness sometimes is the road to peace. We just have to go through hell to get to the peace. But most here will tell you it was worth it . The freedom from anxiety itself is worth the suffering of letting go.

He is a selfish a$$ and like most WS he is taking you for granted and see his OP as the be all and end all. She's not. She's just the fantasy of perfection to him where roses bloom all year long and nobody asks about $ and her sh!t doesn't smell. But like all fantasies it will come to an end. Faster though when you say enough is enough. Kick him to the curb...yesterday!!

EasyDoesIt posted 9/12/2013 20:41 PM

He has absolutely no right to get mad about repeated questions. Those are called "consequences."

If he wanted to reconcile, he would make an attempt at answering your questions.

I'm sorry that you're going through this

Snowy posted 9/13/2013 08:57 AM

Hi Cluless

I am glad you found us. What you are feeling is what a lot of us have felt. Eventually we all made it and you will to, but it will take a bit of time.

My suggestions are (you can take them or leave them);

1. Book yourself and your WS in for MC. You will need someone to guide you through the process.

2. Feel free to post your thoughts and emotions here. Doesn't matter if no one answers, but it will help YOU to get them out.

3. Read other peoples stories here. You will learn.

4. Do something physical. Take long walks, punch punching bags. What ever floats your boat. You need to not only let your emotions out but the physical tension you are also feeling

cluless posted 9/13/2013 11:45 AM

I've called 10 MC and they either don't call back or they can't see me for weeks! My hairs on fire now

My WS dropped the A as soon as I discovered it, but KEPT the PA part to himself for another year. All the while OPH blackmailed my H. There are still discrepancies in their relationship, although he was intimate with her and told her intimate things about me. Initially I wanted him to leave, but I honestly feel like my head would have exploded and wouldn't be able to function, so I had him move into the guest bedroom. I don't know if he will ever move back in, but we are still intimate. I NEED to feel him and be I guess validated. I'll keep calling MC, I need help. Going to read more of the healing library, that helps.

Appreciate all your words

trudi42 posted 9/13/2013 11:59 AM

he gets mad at me, and then threatens to leave me so I'll feel better, or he'll kill himself.

I experienced this and ended up consoling him! wtf! He told me that he doesn't have to leave but he would do it "for me". Concentrate on YOU, YOU and YOU again. I am 8 weeks into D DAY and I felt like you. Now separated(as much as you can with mortgage and kids) and feeling empowered - you will get there xxxx

Skan posted 9/13/2013 16:44 PM

Let me be perfectly blunt. He doesn't matter One Stinking Bit. He not only made his bed, but wallowed in it like a pig in mud, with a sow. Screw him.

Detatch. Do what YOU need to do to feel better or to at least feel normal. If that means calling a suicide hotline or a crisis hotline to talk to someone immediately, do it. If that means you treating him like an unwanted stranger in your house, do it. Pull back don't cook, clean, do laundry, nothing for him. He wants to fire you from that job, well then, he can do it all himself. You take care of YOU. You deserve that. And go see a lawyer to find out what your rights are, in case of separation or divorce.

If he wants to leave, tell him to not let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. He is doing this to manipulate you. These are not the actions of a remorseful spouse, nor a spouse that truly has your well-being in his heart. These are the actions of a pig. Treat them as such.

Come back often to vent and for advice. We're all in your corner. (((hugs)))

Hope2B posted 9/13/2013 17:00 PM

he gets mad at me, and then threatens to leave me so I'll feel better, or he'll kill himself

From my own experience, you cannot prevent someone from killing themself if they really want to do it. This is a guilt trip from someone who is trying to emotionally manipulate you and put all his crap onto you.

Sure, there's a chance he may try to make you pay by attempting to off himself, and he may or may not succeed. If he is seriously suicidal, eventually he WILL succeed. You are not his psychotherapist.

Perhaps you should call his bluff and when he threatens to leave, invite him to do so. Don't engage in angry behavior or words, simply take a deep breath, and reply that he is free to leave. Then Walk away. No discussion, no recrimination, no buying into the "game."

Of course you want to drive off a cliff to stop the pain, to end the pain. This feeling WILL pass, and the pain WILL lessen, but it will take time. Please know that and hold to that. Things WILL get better, you'll deal with things better, time's passage will give you new tools for functioning, and a new perspective. Things will be different...not the same, maybe better, maybe just different.

As for MC and no one calling you back, call your local church (even if you are not a member) and see if they can help. If you live close to a university, call the counseling department and see if you can get into one of their interns practicum--this is where individuals pursuing a counseling degree "practice" their skills and usually the practicum meets once a week. If you belong to an HMO, call the psychiatry department and tell them you need to see someone ASAP as you are thinking of hurting yourself (driving off a cliff counts!!) and they are likely to see you within a few days time, if not the next day.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think perhaps maybe being intimate with your H might confuse or muddy your having clearer thinking about everything.

cluless posted 9/15/2013 16:55 PM

Last night was a new low for me. I drank an entire bottle of wine (I'm not a drinker) of course I ended up throwing up for two hours. That will NOT be the way I'm going to deal with this anymore.

I completely broke down last night and sobbed for hours. This pain is so personal and is bringing up so much pain from the past. Watching my mom cry when she found out my dad was unfaithful to her, she was sober for a few months, determined to live. Well until she got the news, she began drinking and was dead 2 months later. I knew how much my mom hurt, but until you are betrayed like this, you can't possibly know how painful it is. My WH is finally getting it, finally stopping the manipulation, it's not about him, it's about what I need.

So confusing

catlover posted 9/15/2013 19:00 PM

I'm not sure how long it has been since he had the PA but you need to stop the intimacy with him until you both are tested for STDs.
You need to get angry at him for what he is doing to you. He has no right to put you through this. You don't deserve this. Don't let him do it to you. Put your big girl panties on, put your foot down and tell him to shape up or ship out. (((HUGS)))