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HFSSC (original poster member #33338) posted at 1:00 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
I've shared here before that I gave my first child up for adoption 26 years ago. I know where she is now but she is not open to a reunion or relationship at this time.
I have a small box that has gone everywhere with me for 26 years. There are 2 photo albums with pictures of my daughter, me, and friends/family during the two days in the hospital. There is a blanket, the dress she wore for her dedication service the 1st night, one of the little shirts they wear in the nursery and the little stocking hat. Her footprints and crib card.
It is all I have of her. Possibly all I ever will have of her.
I've been invited to speak at a fund raiser for the crisis pregnancy center where I had my pg test and tonight I looked for the box to find some pictures to use.
And I could not find it. I tore apart the shed, my closet, JM's closet, everywhere I could think of. I was a shivering, sobbing, wreck. I could not breathe. My kids were so sweet and tried to help but my panic just accelerated exponentially. I tried JM on his cell. (He's at work of course) I finally broke down and called his work # which is very difficult for me to do. (Won't say any more about that since we are in OT)
By some miracle he was the one who answered the phone. And he knew exactly where the box is. He said he saw it in the attic a couple of weeks ago. He will get it down tomorrow.
I still can't stop shaking. And the tears keep flowing.
I thought it was gone.
Thanks for letting me share. Those who pray, I sure could use some that my daughter will soon decide she'd like to know me.
Me, 56
Him, 48 (JMSSC)
Married 26 years. Reconciled.
teacheribe ( member #10376) posted at 1:09 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
BS me 53
FWH 57
Married for 32 years
Live for today.
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 1:11 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
(((HFSSC))) I am so sorry. I so hate that panicky feeling. I also get instantly nauseous to add to the fun.
That is so sweet that your children were helping. And I am so happy JM answered the phone and knew exactly what you were talking about and where to find it.
Now, sit and take a couple of deep breaths. Go to your happy place. It is all good. It is all good. It is all good.
I sure hope your daughter gets to a place where she would like to get to know you.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
jo2love ( member #31528) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
jrc1963 ( member #26531) posted at 1:21 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
Me: BSO - 56 Him: FWSO - 79 DS - 23 D-Day - 12-11-09, R - he finally came homeYour life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"
TattoodChinaDoll ( member #34602) posted at 1:24 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
((((HFSSC))))
Holy moly that must have sucked immensely and I'm sure the adrenaline rush is going to make you crash. Be gentle with yourself. Praying for you and I know your speech is going to be amazing.
Me: 35
WH: 37 TimeToManUp
Married: 14 years, together 19 years
3 daughters: 12, 8, 6, and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
HFSSC (original poster member #33338) posted at 1:31 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
Thank you all. I am in a hot bath now and am going to take some ibuprofen for the massive headache that is beginning. Love those post-cry headaches.
JM has called twice to check on me.
The dinner is October 3rd. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
I love my SI family. I really, really do.
Me, 56
Him, 48 (JMSSC)
Married 26 years. Reconciled.
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 2:44 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
((((((HFSSC))))))) Sending comfort.
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
Mama_of_3_Kids ( member #26651) posted at 2:54 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
Me: BW/33 The kidlets: DS16, DS12, and DD10 The hounds: Three Shih Tzu's The felines: Two short haired kitteh's
Tawnee1969 ( member #12358) posted at 3:00 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
As an adopted child it was really nice reading this post.
I hope you feel better.
p.s. Please know that even if she isn't ready to meet you etc, she does think about you. How can we not? xxx
Is the f*cking you're getting, worth the f*cking you're getting?
somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 3:05 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
..so glad you found that special box of memories.
..sending prayers for your reunion with her..
smy 
trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think! Me 77 Her 74 Married 52 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumour!
boontje ( member #33247) posted at 3:17 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
I'm so happy JM was able to put your mind at ease tonight. I really hope your daughter gets to a place in her life where she is just as eager to see you, as you are her. Until then, keep her close in your heart. ((HF))
Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.
--Theodore Roosevelt
alphakitte ( member #33438) posted at 3:42 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
I'm so glad you found the box!
You hold your daughter in your heart, and because your family, and JM love you, she resides with them as well.
------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt
authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 11:04 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 12:01 PM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
hexed ( member #19258) posted at 4:37 PM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
((HFSSC))
I am so glad you found it! My X was adopted. His mother reached out to him one time. He wasn't ready. I don't know if he ever will be. I'm sure you've heard this before but he felt like it would be a betrayal to his family. Even with his mom's blessing it just didn't feel right to him. It had nothing to do with her, being adopted in particular just a stubborn feeling he couldn't get past. Knowing the circumstances, he feels his mother did the right thing. He was just never ready to meet her. It didn't come from negativity towards her.
I hope you get to meet her but always remember that her choice may not be based in negativity towards you.
But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Exit Wounds ( member #32811) posted at 4:44 PM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
Lots of hugs and prayers.
Exit WoundsH of 17 years got gf pregnant, left our kids 9 & 11 and we never saw him again. -His choice.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:26 PM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
I'm very sorry you had to go through this panic and sadness.
I can't help saying, though: you are an amazing human being.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 5:40 PM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
OMG, my heart started to race as I began reading this post. I am sooo glad you found it!
(((((HFSSC))))
Now JM, get your butt up in that attic!😊
And ditto this:
I can't help saying, though: you are an amazing human being.
D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk
HFSSC (original poster member #33338) posted at 1:39 AM on Saturday, September 14th, 2013
He brought the box down from the attic. It was so hard to go through all those things. It's been at least 4 or 5 years since I looked through them. I cried. A lot.
I wanted to share some pictures with y'all. This was the last day in the hospital. Just hours before I would leave without her and never see her again. It is just so heartbreaking to see the grief on my face, to remember feeling such unimaginable pain that I thought I might literally break from it.
There was also a picture of my grandmother holding her and smiling. I'd forgotten about that one.
Thank you all for indulging me and letting me grieve here.
Me, 56
Him, 48 (JMSSC)
Married 26 years. Reconciled.
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