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Complete panic, meltdown... Still shaking

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HFSSC posted 9/12/2013 19:00 PM

I've shared here before that I gave my first child up for adoption 26 years ago. I know where she is now but she is not open to a reunion or relationship at this time.

I have a small box that has gone everywhere with me for 26 years. There are 2 photo albums with pictures of my daughter, me, and friends/family during the two days in the hospital. There is a blanket, the dress she wore for her dedication service the 1st night, one of the little shirts they wear in the nursery and the little stocking hat. Her footprints and crib card.

It is all I have of her. Possibly all I ever will have of her.

I've been invited to speak at a fund raiser for the crisis pregnancy center where I had my pg test and tonight I looked for the box to find some pictures to use.

And I could not find it. I tore apart the shed, my closet, JM's closet, everywhere I could think of. I was a shivering, sobbing, wreck. I could not breathe. My kids were so sweet and tried to help but my panic just accelerated exponentially. I tried JM on his cell. (He's at work of course) I finally broke down and called his work # which is very difficult for me to do. (Won't say any more about that since we are in OT)

By some miracle he was the one who answered the phone. And he knew exactly where the box is. He said he saw it in the attic a couple of weeks ago. He will get it down tomorrow.

I still can't stop shaking. And the tears keep flowing.

I thought it was gone.

Thanks for letting me share. Those who pray, I sure could use some that my daughter will soon decide she'd like to know me.

teacheribe posted 9/12/2013 19:09 PM

((((HUGS))))

SisterMilkshake posted 9/12/2013 19:11 PM

(((HFSSC))) I am so sorry. I so hate that panicky feeling. I also get instantly nauseous to add to the fun.

That is so sweet that your children were helping. And I am so happy JM answered the phone and knew exactly what you were talking about and where to find it.

Now, sit and take a couple of deep breaths. Go to your happy place. It is all good. It is all good. It is all good.

I sure hope your daughter gets to a place where she would like to get to know you.

jo2love posted 9/12/2013 19:16 PM

(((HFSSC)))

jrc1963 posted 9/12/2013 19:21 PM

(((HFSSC)))

TattoodChinaDoll posted 9/12/2013 19:24 PM

((((HFSSC))))

Holy moly that must have sucked immensely and I'm sure the adrenaline rush is going to make you crash. Be gentle with yourself. Praying for you and I know your speech is going to be amazing.

HFSSC posted 9/12/2013 19:31 PM

Thank you all. I am in a hot bath now and am going to take some ibuprofen for the massive headache that is beginning. Love those post-cry headaches.

JM has called twice to check on me.

The dinner is October 3rd. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

I love my SI family. I really, really do.

nowiknow23 posted 9/12/2013 20:44 PM

((((((HFSSC))))))) Sending comfort.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 9/12/2013 20:54 PM

(((HFSSC)))

Tawnee1969 posted 9/12/2013 21:00 PM

As an adopted child it was really nice reading this post.

I hope you feel better.

p.s. Please know that even if she isn't ready to meet you etc, she does think about you. How can we not? xxx

somanyyears posted 9/12/2013 21:05 PM


..so glad you found that special box of memories.

..sending prayers for your reunion with her..

smy

boontje posted 9/12/2013 21:17 PM

I'm so happy JM was able to put your mind at ease tonight. I really hope your daughter gets to a place in her life where she is just as eager to see you, as you are her. Until then, keep her close in your heart. ((HF))

alphakitte posted 9/12/2013 21:42 PM

I'm so glad you found the box!

You hold your daughter in your heart, and because your family, and JM love you, she resides with them as well.

authenticnow posted 9/13/2013 05:04 AM

(((HFSSC)))

confused615 posted 9/13/2013 06:01 AM

(((((HFSSC)))))

hexed posted 9/13/2013 10:37 AM

((HFSSC))

I am so glad you found it! My X was adopted. His mother reached out to him one time. He wasn't ready. I don't know if he ever will be. I'm sure you've heard this before but he felt like it would be a betrayal to his family. Even with his mom's blessing it just didn't feel right to him. It had nothing to do with her, being adopted in particular just a stubborn feeling he couldn't get past. Knowing the circumstances, he feels his mother did the right thing. He was just never ready to meet her. It didn't come from negativity towards her.

I hope you get to meet her but always remember that her choice may not be based in negativity towards you.

Exit Wounds posted 9/13/2013 10:44 AM

Lots of hugs and prayers.

sisoon posted 9/13/2013 11:26 AM

I'm very sorry you had to go through this panic and sadness.

I can't help saying, though: you are an amazing human being.

painpaingoaway posted 9/13/2013 11:40 AM

OMG, my heart started to race as I began reading this post. I am sooo glad you found it!

(((((HFSSC))))

Now JM, get your butt up in that attic!😊

And ditto this:

I can't help saying, though: you are an amazing human being.

HFSSC posted 9/13/2013 19:39 PM

He brought the box down from the attic. It was so hard to go through all those things. It's been at least 4 or 5 years since I looked through them. I cried. A lot.

I wanted to share some pictures with y'all. This was the last day in the hospital. Just hours before I would leave without her and never see her again. It is just so heartbreaking to see the grief on my face, to remember feeling such unimaginable pain that I thought I might literally break from it.

There was also a picture of my grandmother holding her and smiling. I'd forgotten about that one.

Thank you all for indulging me and letting me grieve here.

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