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BS/Childless Stepmom Rethinking Decision to Remain Childless

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CatchyUsername posted 9/12/2013 19:07 PM

WH and I have been married 6 years and I have been stepmom to his now teenage children (16, 18). He was clear with me when we started dating that he did not think he ever wanted to have more children - his experience with his ex was traumatic at best. I fell in love with my stepkids and made my decision to not have kids during that "honeymoon" period with them. Well now several years in I am well aware of the harsh reality of step-parenting in the context of THIS family - where the children and I are continually made to feel like we should NOT have loving feelings towards each other.

When I discovered the A I was like "you gotta be kidding me after all the crap I have sacrificed for this man and his children he does THIS?". Our MC has asked to re-open the conversation of having children and my IC thinks that it was just another place that I did not ask for what I really wanted or needed for fear of rejection. (hmmm)

Anyone have a similar circumstance? Thoughts? Wisdom?

Undone1 posted 9/12/2013 19:32 PM

CatchyUserName....I do like your user name!

Although I have not been in your situation, I certainly understand that you have subjugated your needs for the needs of your H and step children.

I have a step son and family dynamics are VERY complicated! My step son's Mom has certainly made him feel like he can't love me or his step sisters. But now that he is 20 he doesn't tolerate that anymore.

With that said, I think it is really important to have your marriage strong and stable to bring a baby into the world. Discussing your wants and needs as an equal partner in the marriage is even more important. We all have the right to change our minds over the course of time. And you have the right to open the discussion of a baby! Don't be shy, you HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!!! It your H that has everything to lose and may still!

CatchyUsername posted 9/12/2013 21:08 PM

Don't be shy, you HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!!!

I totally feel that way! At this point it is like pushing all my chips onto the table...

CatchyUsername posted 9/13/2013 08:01 AM


changedforlife posted 9/13/2013 08:11 AM

I have a somewhat similar story. When my WH and I met, his son was 2 years old but lived with the mother. From the beginning, the relationship between WH and his ex was not good and only proceeded to get worse over time. His son came to live with us when he was 11 and things continued to get worse with the mother. On top of that stress, we were trying to deal with some medical, behavioral and school issues with his son. So, having kids of our own was just too much to think about. And I was really unsure if I wanted to have kids.

When SS was finally reached his final year of high school, things were getting better with SS and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel in dealing with the mother. I was in my mid 30's by this point and I thought if I wanted to have a kid, we would have to get at it!

Luckily, I got pregnant quickly and had an easy pregnancy and now have a beautiful DD that I cannot imagine life without. But now I wish that we had had kids earlier because I wish my DD had a sibling.

I was also like you when I found out about the A. After everything I sacrificed for WH(dealing with his BP & deep depressions, his losing jobs, my leaving jobs to move with him for work, as well as raising his son), this is the thanks I get?! Now, I will admit I am not perfect and I did not handle some things well at all. I shut down by times but at the time of the A, I felt things between WH and I were really good again so the A was a complete shock to me.

Honestly, if we didn't have a child when I found out about the A, I cannot say for sure what the outcome would have been for our relationship. And I do not know if I would even consider having a child after his A. Maybe if I felt more secure that I could raise a child on my own, then I would still consider it. But I would also consider the fact that if your relationship doesn't work out, then your child will have to grow up having to go between mom's home and dad's home. That really hurt me to the core when WH and I separated briefly.

I guess it is something you both have to discuss at length and see where you stand. There are no easy answers but at least if you talk about it you can make an informed decision.

CatchyUsername posted 9/13/2013 12:13 PM

Thanks for sharing your story changedforlife! I can't believe what has happened that we are even having this conversation - but we are - for the first time.

sri624 posted 9/13/2013 12:37 PM

hi there...i just wanted to say that i feel you.

you know...i may be the minority here...but that is okay....i still want to say this....

i dont think a woman should ever give up her natural right to have a child of her own...regardless of what the circumstances are. i mean, you can meet a man who has kids, fall in love with them, and not have any of your own...because..."HE" decided HE didnt want any? well, things change. he already had his experience of having his own biological children, you know?

and how much resentment would you have if you gave up having a child because he wanted to....and then he cheats....and you still dont have a child whether you are with him or not?

a shit sandwich.

life goes on...and if you are with him or not, having your own child is not somthing that i think any woman should compromise.

and if age is a factor...then that can help you decide exactly what you need to do.

i have a coworker who is now 45 and doesnt have kids. her man didnt want any...he had 3 with his ex. she thought she was okay with it since she was so close to his kids. now, they are having issues...and she feels like she missed her opportunity to have a child for an jerk.

CatchyUsername posted 9/13/2013 15:07 PM

It is not resentment that I feel - it is regret. I really don't have any right to resent him because I was not in touch with and did not clearly express my desire to have kids. I am 43 now - late, but maybe not too late. :)

broken0912 posted 9/13/2013 15:54 PM

Catchy - I did the exact same thinking that his children would be my children. That did not happen. He was 44 and too old and didn't want to have anymore children - told me early on in the relationship. I decided he was worth it and agreed.

My story differs somewhat in that for the first year of our sexual relationship he did not forego a condom even one time. During his 3+ year PA with my Best friend (right under my nose) he did not use even one rubber, and so when she figured out he wasn't going to leave me to save her from her miserable marriage, she purposely got pregnant with his child - she was not having sex with her BH until finding out she was pregnant and seduced him (BH) one time to cover her ass.

So I sacrificed motherhood for this upstanding moral Christian man of such high character and integrity so he could father a child with a 27 yr old girl at age 57.

No one seems to understand how much more this adds to the betrayal. If you want a child I suggest you get on it, and don't sacrifice anything else for a man who doesn't deserve it.

This said even after all of the multi-levels of betrayal, we are still trying to work it out, but he doesn't appear to be willing to put in the work that its going to take, so I am currently not holding out much hope.

So sorry you are in this situation, and good luck & bless you which ever way you go with this.

CatchyUsername posted 9/13/2013 19:58 PM

Wow broken that is quite a story. I guess I should feel lucky that WH had a vasectomy. OW told him that she was unable to have children... she also told him that he was the only one she was having sex with... and we know for sure that was a lie so likely she was lying about the barren thing too. BUT I digress... sigh.

Yeah - it is a real slap in the face - I agree - aren't we all SO brave for attempting to R?

CatchyUsername posted 9/14/2013 18:22 PM

Something dawned on me today and I just sent WH the following message (i am out of town):

when we originally made the decision to not have kids, I was thinking primarily about your needs/wants/feelings as were you. for this evolving conversation to be any different my needs/wants/feelings may need to be at the forefront.

the only thing I have heard from you thus far continues to be about your needs/wants/feelings.

struggling16 posted 9/14/2013 20:46 PM

Good for you for speaking up about your desires. I think that you would regret it in the future if you didn't. He owes you an honest and open dialogue about this life-altering decision.

Your post resonated with me. In my case, I married a divorced man with full custody of his 3 children (ages 9,11,13). I happily became step-mother to them because I adored them. I was 27 when we married and was fine with not having children of my own (he had a vasectomy). Of course, I expected a happy M and a H dedicated to me and the kids. Later in the M, he started traveling for work and I was left raising the kids (now teenagers) and teaching full time with an exhausted weekend father. The stresses on the M were horrendous. This was when the porn and strip clubs (and I think escorts-he denies this) started for him. Now that we have been M for 32 years, I have occasional regrets about never having children of my own. I am glad, however, that he never fathered a child of mine. I have come to see that he is too self-centered to be a good parent.

[This message edited by struggling16 at 8:52 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

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