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Newest Member: Lookingupandforw (61875)

User Topic: I'm new here, don't hurt me
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost 5 mos after d day I am out of the R forum and here. I am scared as hell but I also I have my big girl panties on and I am ready for the challenges.
But first I am finding myself having an unexpected feeling and wondered if others went through this. I spent 4 months trying R although I had grave concerns. During this time I would read the posts of the BS's who divorced and feel they were stronger than me because they had the guts to leave. Now that I'm amongst this group, I read the posts about R and feel they're stronger than me because they are taking on the huge challenge and risk of R. What's wrong with me? I don't think it's a grass is greener thing, I think I just am floundering a bit. I realize everyone and their situation is different, and I have made all of my decisions with great thought, I just didn't expect that after feeling weak for staying that now I feel weak for leaving.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been treated like shit for a while, so your confidence is probably a little low. It doesn't matter which side of the fence requires you to be stronger; you just need to do what's right for you.

Me: 1970
Two sons: 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. My username is courageous... Do you know what the definition of courage is? Well it's not the absence of fear but being able to do something IN SPITE of fear.

I'm here not because I wanted to get divorced but because I finally stood up for myself and said "enough". I refused to stay in a marriage with a spouse who was actively cheating and rugsweeping.

Many ride an emotional roller coaster for quite a while. You are strong you just don't know it right now and you don't feel it. When you are divorced you can look back and realize how strong you really were.

Please learn from our mistake and use our wisdom. If you check out my profile you will see that I went thru A LOT. I didn't listen to the SI'ers because I believed my WH would never be so cruel.... Please move half of the marital money to an account only you can access. It's will save you so much devastation if he is annoying like my ex.

If you need help or have questions feel free to pm me.


Edited to correct my spelling

[This message edited by courageous at 10:12 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012
Exwh married his AP

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.

Posts: 813 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very common to second guess your decisions. For me it's been "Two steps forward, one step back" the whole way. Trying to come to a lasting decision is like plotting the stock market. It changes everyday, but there's always trend over time.

One day
I'm gonna forget your name,
And one sweet day,
you're gonna drown in my lost pain. - "Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Posts: 3391 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought staying would avoid the pain.

Then I thought leaving would avoid the pain.

Truth is there is no avoiding it. It's all horrible. I know for me staying was not an option - his complete lack of remorse made the decision 'easier' but no less painful. It was agony.

Even if he did have true remorse it turns out this was a dealbreaker for me after all. I didn't want it to be - I raged against it. I didn't really accept it until we had been S for a few months. That realisation was agonising too.

I had strength in spades but it worked against me - it meant I was able to withstand an incredible amount of shit. My willpower was also so strong that I lied to myself as much if not more than he did. I didn't lack strength or willpower - it was courage I lacked.

I would very likely still be struggling through False R right now had he continued to feign remorse. The absence of it forced my hand well before I had built the courage to do it myself.

((Tripletrouble)) I was paralysed by fear of the unknown. Being a single mum was my single greatest fear. It was one of the reasons I was leaning towards not having children. The sad clown and everyone knew this was my greatest fear.

After DD I realised my greatest fear was continuing to live a lie.

I simply do not have what it takes for R whether or not he had true remorse.

Sending you strength and healing. Don't expect too much of yourself right now. You don't have to do anything but get through this next minute, this hour, this day. The rest will happen the way it happens whether you focus on your fear or not.

You don't have to make any permanent decisions either. Do what you need to get through right now - focus on you and your needs and you can't go wrong.

I'm so sorry. It gets better - so much better. But I know it hurts like hell right now.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6017 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 33606
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the real question here is why you feel the need to judge others so much.

And why is everyone else always stronger than you?


Posts: 1802 | Registered: Oct 2011
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neither is stronger, like the lion isn't stronger than the bird, because the lion can't fly.

...just different.

For example, I divorced my xWW. I was strong. You survived a false R. I don't know how someone survives that, and it does make me feel that they are stronger. But, they aren't. They are different.

It's Ok. One thing at a time. If you want to explore the "whys" of asking who is stronger, fine. You've got your whole life to do that. First, do exactly what you're doing. Think. Feel. Post here. Chart your course. Focus on what you need to survive this and become healthy again.

...even more strength to you!

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 6 (5 and 2 on DDay)
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12

Posts: 1288 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm always a little annoyed when I hear people make blanket statements that "R is harder because it takes more effort to stay and do the hard work, rather than just ending the M"

Or sometimes the opposite is stated, that it is harder to D. In both cases, I usually hear the undertone that it is more admirable to choose the "harder" path.

I don't agree with that and don't think we should base life decisions on which is perceived as harder, or easier.

For me, I divorced my first H. I had three young kids at the time and very little money.

In my current M, we successfully R'ed. I based my decision to R on his extreme remorse and efforts to show me he could be the H that I deserve. I do not regret either decision for either M. I have never really felt weak for my decisions to stay or leave, and neither should you. You just do what is best for you.

Posts: 6843 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe anyone in this situation, particularly at the point you are at, feels any sort of strength or power. My power and confidence was smashed. I worked on auto pilot for close to two years and filed for D because I had no choice as R was not even in his vocabulary.

I don't think what you're feeling is a lack of strength. I think it's fear. You jumped off the cliff and can't see into the unknown just yet. Thats a scary thing to know that things will be changed now forever. At the same time, when you tried to R, that horrible fear of it happening all over again was there along with the fear that you would waste your precious time with someone who simply didn't care as much about your future. You're kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't when the fear is there on both sides of the fence.

It's all normal.

The main thing now is to not let that fear hold you back from what your heart has already told you is the best and/or necessary thing to do. We are all strong down here in DS. But, we all fall down sometimes. The strength is shown in how we get back up.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3876 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My feeling whether you R or D your life is about to change in ways that can't be known. It's scary in every way you can think of. I don't think anyone feels strong when faced with challenge of change. One minute, hour, thing at a time. Strength comes realizing that you have survived the minute, hour, thing.

Like taking climbing a mountain, one step at a time. When you get winded halfway up and think about giving up, turn around and look back and gain strength from how far you've come.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no way to judge which is harder. I think they are both equally hard. It's like judging which is worse, a ONS, EA, PA, LTA, etc... They are all hurtful in their own way. I think it is more of a question of what you are willing to do.

I have been through all types of A's in my two marriages to two different WH's. I finally D XWH#1 after 22yrs of marriage for a EA with an 18yr old he refused to give up his "friendship" with. I had already been through too many EA, PA, ONS's to attempt R again. He was never going to change and I had to eventually get to the point of I'm done.

With WH#2 he had a LTA with an old fuckbuddy he knew prior to marrying me. He has since went NC and we are attempting R. I am still out on the decision of wether he can actually remain faithful and I still have the power to decide that if he doesn't, I will file for D. I will not be hurt again and he knows it.

There is no right or wrong, harder or easier. It all sucks and it all hurts. Only you can decide which path you want to take. (((HUGS)))

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9230 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the kind words. It is so helpful to hear it gets better, and that the fear and uncertainty are so common.
I certainly did not mean to imply I'm judging anyone else's choice. I was just taken aback to have these odd conflicting feelings and wondered if anyone else had felt so strangely. It's unsettling to find out you are not who you thought you were (I thought I would kick a cheater to the curb in a heartbeat).
Sadly we will never know if I could have forgiven the infidelity. It was all of the lying and anger he directed at me during 4 months of attempted R that pulled the plug.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no venom in True Remorse - whether in R or S/D. If you have venom you have your answer.

It is often said here that its not the cheating but what happens after DD that is what ends the M.

The betrayals beyond infidelity are why I will be NCing him for the rest of my life.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6017 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some reason reading this thread, I kept remembering the saying that it isn't really a fear of "falling" .... it is the landing that sucks!!

You will land just fine.

Few of us landed on our feet, but standing up and dusting off? Totally doable.

Me: 45, independent, happy, despite parallel parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 15 DS 12
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 7052 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 14

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