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Stop talking to WH about your A!

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naivewife posted 9/12/2013 21:48 PM

Anyone else having the problem of friends and family members discussing their own, or friends of theirs having A's to your WS? At the moment, a co-worker/friend of WH is currently cheating on his GF of many years, and he wants to talk to WH about it all the time, and his sister, who seems to be the BF of every OW on the planet, wants to talk to him about all of her friends A's. I HATE THIS! Both of them know he cheated on me and it just feels like he's now been downgraded to "now that you're a dirtbag let me tell you all about the dirtbag stuff I do." You know? I don't want him to be seen this way, and I don't want this kind of culture of infidelity surrounding him. Anyone else struggle with this problem?

SisterMilkshake posted 9/12/2013 22:17 PM

naivewife, these people aren't friends of the marriage. It is up to your WH to put boundaries in place with everyone. He needs to tell the co-worker/friend that he doesn't want to hear about it. Also, are either one of you going to tell the long time GF about this cheating? I feel she deserves to know. How about you?

How often does he speak to his sister? He needs to place boundaries there, too. Tell sister he isn't interested in hearing about anyone's infidelity.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/13/2013 07:01 AM

We have a similar problem, but I am the WS. My BH has two coworkers who are involved in A right now, and both of them have talked to him about it, which to me is amazing because they know everything that has been going on with doesn't seem to bother my BH very much though....if it were me I don't think I would want to hear about it.

niaveone posted 9/13/2013 09:59 AM

See I'm of a different mind set because I *wanted* people to talk to WS about their affairs, or the affairs of people they knew. NOT ONE of them had a better outcome. NOT ONE. Every single person that talked to him about their affairs told them they wished they never did it, how it made things so much worse, etc.

Even the one person that left her husband for her affair partner, married him, and had babies with him; wished she did things very differently and told him so.

I Thank God for these people, actually, because they helped "lift the fog" for WS. I don't think he would have realized the immense wrong of the situation if he didn't hear these stories and what a train wreck each of the affairs left behind. It also made him realize he didn't want to be a "dirt bag", who screws around; so he's changed his outlook, demeaner, and has made huge strides in MC because he knows he needs it.

doesitgetbetter posted 9/13/2013 19:33 PM

IMO, a healthy FWS would place boundaries such as "if you're actively involved in an A, then I don't want to hear one word about it. They are spineless ways to run away from your own issues and I don't care to participate in that anymore or hear about that anymore. If it's advice on how to heal your relationship since you're now OUT of an A and your partner knows about the A, then I'm all up for offering support. Otherwise, strictly business."

An unhealthy FWS, or a FWS with incredibly poor boundaries and still weak coping skills would continue to listen to the garbage that spews from those so deep in the fog that they can't see the train coming. It is likely a slippery slope at worst, or a path to a slippery slope at best for a FWS to be listening to the goings on of someone currently involved in an A.

I'm so glad my H is a healthier version of his former self as he has even cut off his own family members who are even involved in A's, whether they talked to him about them or not, he wanted nothing to do with them until they got their act together.

sinsof thefather posted 9/14/2013 02:47 AM

This ^^^^^

Every word doesitgetbettersaid. If your husband doesn't want this kind of culture around him he only has to lay down boundaries with those that do it to stop it dead.

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