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Can't accept reality even after a year...

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bytheboard posted 9/12/2013 22:12 PM

Last year the first atomic bomb dropped on September 3rd... With the discovery of a graphic sexual email to an ex. Followed by a week of lies and minimization all while he tried to convince me that he just "needed a little more excitement... Like maybe a threesome". Then on the 10th I dug deeper and uncovered a Craigslist ad in casual encounters written the day before our wedding.

He continued to swear that he had never had a physical relationship with anyone and was only "stressed out about getting married". He wrote me a very eloquent letter and swore on our son's life that he never had sex with anyone else.

I could see the lie. Even as he swore on our sons life. For two more days I kept after him to come clean, to give me the truth. Just more fervent assurances that I knew everything.

I was fighting the fact that it was a deal breaker with the pleas from him and both our families to help him with his SA. And somewhere deep inside I knew that the proof of his physical infidelity existed. It came to me walking home from putting the kids on the bus the morning of September 12 last year.

When I started bleeding in my pregnancy we went to the ER. I had already had my std screen, but they took another to be safe. He was in the room with me. He asked what they were looking for. I told him std, but that it was unnecessary since I hd already tested clean. When they came back with the results, he was on the phone but got off quickly and wanted to know. I was put off and said of course they we negative. I asked him point blank if he had something to tell me. He turned it around and said, " no, do you have something to tell me?" It was weird but I put it off to him fearing that I would cheat while he was out of the country.

That moment came back to me we I was walking and then I knew beyond a doubt that he ws still lying... That it was more than emails and ads which was plenty bad all on its own.

I confronted him. He evaded but I wouldn't let up... I backed him in a corner with it and he finally said, "I may have slept with someone else". In anger I said "may have.?!?!" And then he finally admitted to a ONS while on TDY at the beginning of my pregnancy.

Even though I knew already, to hear that my husband and the father of my baby had done this was earth shattering.

Many more Ddays would follow. See my signature for details. Each piece of info another blow and the evidence suggests that there is still unaccounted for behavior whether physical of cyber cheating... It is all the same in my book.

Fast forward a year, he is in IC, MC and regularly attending SA groups. He says that he feels clean and alive for the first time. He thanks me all the time for setting him free and standing beside him. The change in him is evident to all those around him. It is noticed by ur children, our family and his work. There is a lot of work still to be done but he has become someone he wasn't before and that someone is definitely better.

I am so glad to see the change, the improved relationships within our marriage and our children. I am glad to see his dedication to making changes and maintaining his sobriety. I want to throw myself fully into R and work hard on building a beautiful life out of the ash and rubble. Still, I can't seem to get over the fact that it happened in the first place.

I think this is keeping me very stuck. My rational mind knows it happened and it was horrific... Some deep place in my heart just won't accept that it is even TRUE. Every once in a while the enormity just hits me. He had anonymous sex with 3 people in our 2 year marriage. He posted a book's worth of ads looking for illicit hook ups. He used adult friend finder. Who the hell is this man I am married to??? Who could do that??? It feels so evil to me... I just can't fathom how somebody could act in such a way... And I can't believe that my husband would do this, the man I love and married. The man I had a baby with... How can he be the same man who carried out this evil?

I think my subconscious fights the reality of it all tooth and nail because I just can't seem to tolerate the pain. It is all consuming when it becomes too "real".

Today on the one year anniversary... It feels that way... All consuming pain... Way too real. How do you accept the reality? At one year out you would think that I would have it through my thick skull that there is no way out of this... That is happened and no amount of disbelief is going t change that.. Still my brain fights to keep the reality at bay and acceptance continues to elude me.

It all hurts so damn bad. Any words or thoughts are appreciated and welcomed. Thank you all.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/13/2013 10:30 AM

I'm so sorry. This is so sad. I have no words of wisdom. But, I would think i would need to see a lot of changes in such a person before ever trusting them again.

Rebreather posted 9/13/2013 10:38 AM

Whew. Wow. Yeah, that's a lot to manage.

All I can offer is this. My spouse had an 18 month affair, w/out all the SA and the other issues you have to deal with, and I would say it took me three years to get to acceptance.

You are *only* one year into this journey. I know it SEEMS like you should be there by now. But it also SEEMS like I should still be a size 4 in my head (but I ain't!).

The enormity of what our brains have to process is why this takes so long. Getting the rational brain to accept the irrational reality. There is nothing wrong with you for not being there yet. It will come.

I'm sorry you are hurting today.

sisoon posted 9/13/2013 10:52 AM

You've sustained months a blows against you worldview, your self-esteem, your sense of being safe, your belief in your ability to perceive reality. It's one year since a major D-Day, but it looks like it's a lot less than that from the POV of being traumatized by new facts.

It takes 2-5 years to recover, and each new hurt restarts the clock, at least to some extent.

It's too early to trust your H much. He's doing good stuff, but the pull of an addiction is tough to ward off. It's too early for him to declare victory, because he has a LOT more work to do.

It sounds like you've seen some improvement in your life so far. I expect that will continue.

For some of us, being betrayed brings on PTSD. For even the healthiest of us going into D-Day, the revelations bring on something like PTSD.

You've been traumatized, btb. There are several steps to healing, but there's no prescribed schedule or path. You have to get a number of punches on your ticket, but you'll do them in your order, not someone else's, and - alas - logic doesn't seem to hold much sway in healing.

Yeah, you'd think a year is enough time to accept reality, but it takes longer.

For one data point, I had one D-Day. My W turned remorseful when she confessed. Her cheating was an aberration, a one-time thing. We got effective help right away. No TT. R has gone smoothly, as Rs go. Through the 1st 2 years after D-Day I had thoughts like 'this couldn't be'.

In other words, as lousy as you feel, I think you're doing well under these awful circumstances. (JMO, of course.) That doesn't mean you should stop feeling lousy - feeling your feelings is crucial to healing, IMO. It just means that IMO you're on your way to healing. It just takes way more time than anyone wants it to.


Undone1 posted 9/13/2013 16:48 PM


It is enormous. It doesn't feel right. Of course our minds don't want to accept the reality! How do you come to acceptance? I am not sure I will ever come to "accept it". I may get to the point that I know it happened but I think the hurt will be around a long time.

I am a year out October 27 and I feel the same as you. Often the enormity of his LTA of 3 years hits me like a ton of bricks. Yesterday I was driving and I had one of those "bat upside the head" moments where I couldn't believe this was my life. It was NOT SUPPOSSED TO BE THIS WAY!!

We are doing very well in R, but it is not an easy path to walk! Like you, I thought I would be farther along by now. But, I still think of it everyday. I still feel angry/depressed/sad/rejected at times and am still in the process of trying to forgive. Although I don't always talk to my fWH about my thoughts, I still have them. I have learned to think the thought, accept it, and discard it. I try to think of the fWH that is front of me now. I also think "is this going to help me or hurt me" when I have an A thought."

Yesterday I wrote a letter to the OW that I don't intend to send, but it was a helpful process.

Sending you strength and moments of peace.

Simple posted 9/13/2013 17:07 PM

1 year is still nothing. It's taken me and some people here years of true R to get to where we're at. Even then trust is never given lightly anymore.

What I did the first few months since DDay was continually look at the e-mails, pictures, etc. and FORCE myself to accept what the heck happened. Knowing myself, I don't want to minimize it and go in denial just to forget it. I have to forgive for my sanity, but I don't have to forget. As the years go by, those images are replaced by the actions of my remorseful FWH. And when in true R, those images get overwhelmed by the lots and lots of actions of a remorseful FWS. Even now I continually look to see what actions my FWS has done to make himself a better person even if it washing the dishes without being told, or showing me in facebook if there's someone who wants to "friend" him and it's a woman if it's ok with an explanation (e.g. family friend from childhood).

So what I'm saying is, look at the facts BOTH bad and good. Sometimes thinking logically about it helps keep our troubled heart in check.

Hugs your way.

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