First of all-- to all of my SI friends who have PM... I have started emails to all of you but was interrupted by a surprise vacation and dinner by my friends/family this week (our anniversary was today and everyone was trying to help keep my mind off of it). Between that and work, I've been MIA. I'm sorry!
My brief backstory for any newbies is that we were living apart this year due to his new job on the opposite coast and I had been in the process of changing my whole life around to come join him out there permanently. I got a job in his office, quit my job, sold almost everything, shipped everything else out there and was all set to go... and found out about a week before I was going to leave that he had been cheating with a coworker for several months.
He had left a fiancee in the past and has a significant history of FOO and mental health issues, so we all thought this was some sort of breakdown at first.
But 3 week of false R over the phone/Skype and he came back from a trip home to see family armed with ILYB speeches and wanting S. He also admitted he had taken the A underground. Crazy or not, I told him if he broke NC that was it for me, so I NCed him on the spot (took him off FB, blocked his phone on my cell, etc) and held firm to it... until today.
As I mentioned, today is our anniversary. Would have been 11 years. Friends had been calling and emailing all day. A bunch of them had surprised me with a vacation to a B&B on the coast. When I got back home, they had a dinner party set up for me with presents, including a hard cover book they had bound filled with messages they had written about how much they loved me and their favorite memories of me, gift certificates for new clothes and a spa day, framed photos, etc. Wasn't a dry eye in the house. So touching.
I'll admit I half expected (hoped?) that WS would call. He didn't.
I check my phone in the backseat of the car on the way back from the dinner party and I had an email from a coworker of WS whom I had never met or spoken to before. Here is a part of her email:
Anyhow, maybe this is strange or maybe it's not- but I've been wanting to say so much to you, that I'm sorry to hear what happened re: breaking off your relationship with [WS] after 10.5 years. I remember so much how I was looking forward in meeting you early this summer!
I know today is your anniversary- September 12th. If you feel sad- I wanted to encourage you with the following saying:
[a very nice-- but long-- encouraging saying about how things will get better and everything happens for a reason]
Even though I have not met you, I just know that you are a super pretty girl & extremely bright! You are a great catch for someone who will appreciate you! (that's what I keep telling myself & as young women we totally need to stay strong & stick together!) For what its worth, I've only known WS for a small amount of time, and he's been a good boss, mentor, and friend to me. I'm sure both of you were great together. I feel bad for both of you. But, you are both in my thoughts today for a brighter and hopeful future.
This email made me temporarily insane. Here I was with something like 35 texts, phone calls and well-wishes from people who love and care about me. Friends who got together and scraped together all of these gifts and getaways for me... made a freaking BOOK telling me how much they love me. And now someone I haven't even ever met is emailing me this sweet and caring note.
Yet the one person who was supposed to love me forever-- the one person I loved the most in the world-- was MIA on our anniversary.
First: I effing called WS. He hasn't changed his number. He sent me to VM. I left him a short message and told him that I don't understand why he did what he did, but I've given up trying to. But I don't understand why he continues to do what he is doing by hurting me and our friends and family with how he is acting and his silence. That anything I've done in terms of blocking him or whatnot is because he continues to act like none of this means anything to him and I refuse to watch. And that, he should know that I don't hate him. That I look back on our 10 years together with a lot of love and I hope he does, too. But that I have fully accepted there is no future for us. In light of that, I told him that I hope he finds happiness-- whatever that means to him now. And I hung up.
I have not heard back from him.
The coworker left her number on the bottom of the email. I called her and left her a message simply thanking her for her email and told her that, even if we never speak, I'll remember that she made such a nice gesture.
She called me back. Within a couple of mins it was clear she was either calling because she was on a fishing expedition for herself, or the office had sent her on one because she is about to leave her job there (so she tells me). She told me that he has been telling people that we had been having problems since November (a lie) that I left him, or maybe it was sort of mutual (a lie) and that the reason for our S/D was that we discovered we weren't compatible (WTF????) and so it didn't make sense for me to follow him out there.
She said that she tried not to push it with him too much because, technically, he was her boss... but that she kept politely suggesting to him that his story didn't make sense. That a woman doesn't uproot her life and stay with a man for over a decade and then just decide one day that there aren't compatible.
She said it took her two months, but in late July/early August she was helping him move his office into another building and she finally said to him that the only thing that makes sense to her is that I cheated or that he cheated. He told her he refused to discuss it.
I decided that's it. I'm not going to hold back anymore. I told her everything. I told her that he cheated. I told her it was with a coworker. I told her who it is. I told her how I found out.
The whole time she just kept gasping and muttering "this is disgusting".
She had to go, but promised to call me tomorrow (I don't know how I feel about that). But she tells me that, as far as WS and OW are concerned "there is something there/something is going on there." And that the office suspected something in particular because they both took vacation days since yesterday for a long weekend and everyone thought it was odd timing (given our anniversary). I told her about how he told me he wouldn't date her openly right away but "maybe in six months." So I confirmed for her that that all may be part of the plan. She told me that OW rubs everyone in the office the wrong way. She also hinted that he had been inappropriate with her in some way, too.
Remember this is the guy who has had 5 women in his office either quit (including me!) and/or report him to HR for being "hostile" and not respecting the opinions of others.
I really don't know how I feel about all of this. I thought of all of you on SI right away.
First of all, I can go either way on having broken NC. On our anniversary, I sort of think I get a pass and shows I'm a decent person. I'm trying not to kick myself for that too much. Frankly, I don't know how I would have lived with myself if I just let the day go by without saying SOMETHING.
Second, all of you who told me, despite his protests to the contrary, that he would stay with OW. You win a prize.
I feel like I can officially stop wondering what FOO/mental health issues poor little WS is suffering from. He's taking vacations on our anniversary... yet he can't be bothered to pay back a loan he took from my family, etc etc etc.
I still can't quite get myself to a place where I think our years together were crap. Quite honestly, I thought we loved each other and things were more or less great. Not until the separation did it all fall apart.
But whoever this dude is now is certainly someone who is detestable.
And I don't get what this coworker is up to. I think she means well, but I also suspect she's a mole. But I'm glad I told her the truth. I hope she tells the whole office in the morning, frankly.
So what do you think? What is this coworker up to? Should I talk to her again if she calls tomorrow?
Did I do the right thing in telling all to the people (or, perhaps only one person) he works with?
What do you anticipate might be the aftermath of all of this?
It was so hard not to call him again after I found out he's probably on some get-away with OW to tell him to scrap all of that mature stuff I just said in the last message because I talked to "X" in his office, know where he is right now and, oh by the way, I told "X" everything...
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:10 AM, September 13th (Friday)]