My brief backstory for any newbies is that we were living apart this year due to his new job on the opposite coast and I had been in the process of changing my whole life around to come join him out there permanently. I got a job in his office, quit my job, sold almost everything, shipped everything else out there and was all set to go... and found out about a week before I was going to leave that he had been cheating with a coworker for several months.
He had left a fiancee in the past and has a significant history of FOO and mental health issues, so we all thought this was some sort of breakdown at first.
But 3 week of false R over the phone/Skype and he came back from a trip home to see family armed with ILYB speeches and wanting S. He also admitted he had taken the A underground. Crazy or not, I told him if he broke NC that was it for me, so I NCed him on the spot (took him off FB, blocked his phone on my cell, etc) and held firm to it... until today.
So, update:
As I mentioned, today is our anniversary. Would have been 11 years. Friends had been calling and emailing all day. A bunch of them had surprised me with a vacation to a B&B on the coast. When I got back home, they had a dinner party set up for me with presents, including a hard cover book they had bound filled with messages they had written about how much they loved me and their favorite memories of me, gift certificates for new clothes and a spa day, framed photos, etc. Wasn't a dry eye in the house. So touching.
I'll admit I half expected (hoped?) that WS would call. He didn't.
I check my phone in the backseat of the car on the way back from the dinner party and I had an email from a coworker of WS whom I had never met or spoken to before. Here is a part of her email:
**** Anyhow, maybe this is strange or maybe it's not- but I've been wanting to say so much to you, that I'm sorry to hear what happened re: breaking off your relationship with [WS] after 10.5 years. I remember so much how I was looking forward in meeting you early this summer!
I know today is your anniversary- September 12th. If you feel sad- I wanted to encourage you with the following saying:
[a very nice-- but long-- encouraging saying about how things will get better and everything happens for a reason]
Even though I have not met you, I just know that you are a super pretty girl & extremely bright! You are a great catch for someone who will appreciate you! (that's what I keep telling myself & as young women we totally need to stay strong & stick together!) For what its worth, I've only known WS for a small amount of time, and he's been a good boss, mentor, and friend to me. I'm sure both of you were great together. I feel bad for both of you. But, you are both in my thoughts today for a brighter and hopeful future. ***
This email made me temporarily insane. Here I was with something like 35 texts, phone calls and well-wishes from people who love and care about me. Friends who got together and scraped together all of these gifts and getaways for me... made a freaking BOOK telling me how much they love me. And now someone I haven't even ever met is emailing me this sweet and caring note.
Yet the one person who was supposed to love me forever-- the one person I loved the most in the world-- was MIA on our anniversary.
First: I effing called WS. He hasn't changed his number. He sent me to VM. I left him a short message and told him that I don't understand why he did what he did, but I've given up trying to. But I don't understand why he continues to do what he is doing by hurting me and our friends and family with how he is acting and his silence. That anything I've done in terms of blocking him or whatnot is because he continues to act like none of this means anything to him and I refuse to watch. And that, he should know that I don't hate him. That I look back on our 10 years together with a lot of love and I hope he does, too. But that I have fully accepted there is no future for us. In light of that, I told him that I hope he finds happiness-- whatever that means to him now. And I hung up.
I have not heard back from him.
The coworker left her number on the bottom of the email. I called her and left her a message simply thanking her for her email and told her that, even if we never speak, I'll remember that she made such a nice gesture.
She called me back. Within a couple of mins it was clear she was either calling because she was on a fishing expedition for herself, or the office had sent her on one because she is about to leave her job there (so she tells me). She told me that he has been telling people that we had been having problems since November (a lie) that I left him, or maybe it was sort of mutual (a lie) and that the reason for our S/D was that we discovered we weren't compatible (WTF????) and so it didn't make sense for me to follow him out there.
She said that she tried not to push it with him too much because, technically, he was her boss... but that she kept politely suggesting to him that his story didn't make sense. That a woman doesn't uproot her life and stay with a man for over a decade and then just decide one day that there aren't compatible.
She said it took her two months, but in late July/early August she was helping him move his office into another building and she finally said to him that the only thing that makes sense to her is that I cheated or that he cheated. He told her he refused to discuss it.
I decided that's it. I'm not going to hold back anymore. I told her everything. I told her that he cheated. I told her it was with a coworker. I told her who it is. I told her how I found out.
The whole time she just kept gasping and muttering "this is disgusting".
She had to go, but promised to call me tomorrow (I don't know how I feel about that). But she tells me that, as far as WS and OW are concerned "there is something there/something is going on there." And that the office suspected something in particular because they both took vacation days since yesterday for a long weekend and everyone thought it was odd timing (given our anniversary). I told her about how he told me he wouldn't date her openly right away but "maybe in six months." So I confirmed for her that that all may be part of the plan. She told me that OW rubs everyone in the office the wrong way. She also hinted that he had been inappropriate with her in some way, too.
Remember this is the guy who has had 5 women in his office either quit (including me!) and/or report him to HR for being "hostile" and not respecting the opinions of others.
I really don't know how I feel about all of this. I thought of all of you on SI right away.
First of all, I can go either way on having broken NC. On our anniversary, I sort of think I get a pass and shows I'm a decent person. I'm trying not to kick myself for that too much. Frankly, I don't know how I would have lived with myself if I just let the day go by without saying SOMETHING.
Second, all of you who told me, despite his protests to the contrary, that he would stay with OW. You win a prize.
I feel like I can officially stop wondering what FOO/mental health issues poor little WS is suffering from. He's taking vacations on our anniversary... yet he can't be bothered to pay back a loan he took from my family, etc etc etc.
I still can't quite get myself to a place where I think our years together were crap. Quite honestly, I thought we loved each other and things were more or less great. Not until the separation did it all fall apart.
But whoever this dude is now is certainly someone who is detestable.
And I don't get what this coworker is up to. I think she means well, but I also suspect she's a mole. But I'm glad I told her the truth. I hope she tells the whole office in the morning, frankly.
So what do you think? What is this coworker up to? Should I talk to her again if she calls tomorrow?
Did I do the right thing in telling all to the people (or, perhaps only one person) he works with?
What do you anticipate might be the aftermath of all of this?
It was so hard not to call him again after I found out he's probably on some get-away with OW to tell him to scrap all of that mature stuff I just said in the last message because I talked to "X" in his office, know where he is right now and, oh by the way, I told "X" everything...
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:10 AM, September 13th (Friday)]
How did this vertual stranger even know it was your anniversary in the first place unless she is talking with your WH about something an employee would never know?? She also is talking about things that are very personal and not the least bit related to her job.
It sounds like she was just trying to get information out of you for WH or OW. I would not take anymore of her e-mails or calls and do not tell her any more of your personal issues.
She is looking for information. Either she has a crush on him and wants to know who she is competing with, or she is a nosey parker and is the local gossip. If she is leaving her job, why is she insinuating herself into your life now? Something smells here.
ps: could this be OW checking to see if he is talking to you? And to see where your head is at, if you are coming for him or she has a clear shot. Either way really crappy thing to do.
[This message edited by momentintime at 3:32 AM, September 13th (Friday)]
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
This is what I thought immediately.
And you have some awesome friends! Congrats for making it through your anniversary. A funny coincidence for you if I'm right- STBX did not contact me on our anniversary last month, but OW texted me..
My first thought, actually, was that she's interested in WS but something was eating at her about the fact that he's technically still M and wanted to know my side of the situation before getting involved with a M man.
Ugh. This is why I was NC-ing. I didn't want to have to deal with this kind of thing.
I feel completely dirty. I hate that he has pulled me into this life.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:44 AM, September 13th (Friday)]
As I read your voicemail to your WS, I thought noooooooo don''t do it bc it reminds me of how his fiancée that he walked away from contacted him and how he didn''t respond to that.
Now that you''ve talked to OW, I''m thinking there are 2 OW and this is the spurned one.
You''re still trying to make sense of this like your WS is a normal person, but he isn''t. He''s a con artist pure and simple. Start evaluating all he does/did from that''s respective and you''ll see it fits. You can have all the pleasant memories of the last 10 years that you want, after all, for you they probably were largely pleasant. But you really need to get your head around the reality that your WS isn''t who you think he is or even was.
You are surrounded by love, you are young enough to begin again. Your are very very lucky you didn''t have kids with this guy. You have a lot to be grateful for and glad about.
Seriously FTG and get mad. If you think of him, let it be to say, what a worthless piece of shit who is going to die old and alone. He stole so much form you and doesn''t deserve a kind word or thought. You wish him happiness? Well I don''t. I wish all the bad things in the world to happen to him, just like I do with my xWH. And it''s going to happen, of that I am sure.
[This message edited by cayc at 6:44 AM, September 13th, 2013 (Friday)]
So what do I do now? NC the mystery caller and that's it?
AAAArrrrrgggggg! Why did I have champagne with dinner???? I'm too much of a warm and fuzzy/happy drunk.
(*facepalm*)
What's done is done, and don't beat yourself up about it, you didn't make this f'ed up situation.
You have your life ahead of you. NC from now on.
Who calls someone's estranged spouse on their ANNIVERSARY to fish for info?
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:53 AM, September 13th (Friday)]
None of that is normal. There is no universe where ANY of that is normal.
But you really need to get your head around the reality that your WS isn't who you think he is or even was.
Unfortunately breaking NC IS normal. We all fall off. Remember how you feel right now the next time you are tempted to break NC.
I know it doesn't feel like it right now but he is doing you a huge favour. You are still in shock and your head is spinning - you haven't had enough negative interaction to strengthen your resolve. But you are having negative experiences - that's the next best thing.
Dust yourself off and get back on the wagon.
Block the crazy "co-worker". Even if you buy the crazy story you have so much love around you that you don't need to let this strange person in your life.
Don't be so hard on yourself. If this one slip helps you stick to hardcore NC in future then it is well worth the price of admission.
I fell of the wagon at least a dozen times before I decided I had had enough new hurts.
((PL)) You will not find closure in that guy's direction. It is sitting within you. You just need a little time to unlock it. Please be gentle with yourself, friend.
The wedding anniversary/S-date and DD date weren't hard for me. Its the antiversary of the day we met in October - he proposed on the same date a year later. THAT was my hell day last year. It won't be as bad this year but I can already feel that I am bracing myself for it.
These first are the hardest. The 2nds I've had so far have been a breeze.
Someone actually called me a very long time ago (15years ago) from my H work telling me stuff he was doing at work----this woman had been cheated on before. She even came by my house one day and I didn't open the door! I blew her off thinking she was nuts. GOD IF ONLY I HAD LISTENED TO HER!!!!!
Also, before I was married to XWH, a guy called me from H work whom I had met only once. He said I seemed like a really nice person and that I really needed to think about moving across the country with bf (now XWH)because stories he told everyone just did not make sense. He gave me examples of what my (then boyfriend, now XWH) told me vs what he told everyone at work. This guy was only about 25 years old with a big heart. I didn't listen and I moved 5 states away with him. I should have listened!!!!!
me BS 52 him - 46 married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12 children - ds15 ds12 d-day 12-19-11 I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day Divorce filed
OW called me (before I knew there was even an OW) and tried to befriend me. I didn't know it at all. OW was a former co-worker of FWH's, so called me on some dumb pretense of wanting to touch base with its former boss.
Yeah, I felt so dumb because I did give some info to this stranger on the phone. Nothing really personal. But, more info than I should have. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!
Lesson learned. I am so sorry, PL. Don't let this weirdo ruin what all your IRL friends did for you to make you feel special and important, because you are. (((PL)))
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I am just FURIOUS with this hobag on your behalf!
Huge hugs hon. You do not deserve any of this shit!
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway
I think I've gotten all of the info I need or want... so I agree that I'm going to have to NC her now.
Let this be a lesson, kids...
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Do not beat yourself up for breaking NC. You have done an amazing job and I'm glad that your first communication was something positive, mature, understanding, and respectful...etc. Even if he doesn't deserve these things from you, your dignity is intact.
Dust yourself off and keep moving forward. Your EX is a coward. The coworker is either a busy body or a coconspirator as others have suggested. I hope it's not the OW because that is sick and disgusting.
The best part of your post is that you are surrounded by so many people who love and adore you. I know what it's like to spend a third of your life with someone and see it all disappear in an instant. It's a journey finding yourself again. It sounds like the people around you are helping to remind you of the wonderful person you were before you ever met your WS and the wonderful person you are now.
Wether or not he is spending the weekend with OW doesn't matter. You are so far removed from that whole situation and just by the information you received from the phone call you can get a glimpse of what your life would have been like had you stayed there and given him more chances or kept in contact with him. If anything I hope this confirms for you that you absolutely have made the right decision in staying away.
I believe everything happens for a reason. I know from all of your previous posts that you are very analytical and rational and you have explored many facets of your relationship, the A, and your WS' history. It doesn't sound as if he has done any of that. It sounds as if he just buried his head in the sand and is deluding himself into thinking that the his revisionist history is the truth. I've experienced the same thing but unfortunately I've had to face my WS on an almost daily basis. Even if I didn't, I know I would have faltered half as many times as I have since DDay. So I always give you mad props for staying NC for this long. I mean damn girl....you are a champion!
I just think it's a process and by each step you take forward you get further and further away from this unhealthy situation. A good friend told me recently that all of these bad times will just make me appreciate it more when someone healthy comes into my life.
I'm happy to see your post and know you are doing ok. Especially through something as triggery as your wedding anniversary. Stay strong and hold your head up high for handling all of this with style and grace.
[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:33 AM, September 13th (Friday)]
