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Sad and frustrated about sex.

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PrincessPeach06 posted 9/13/2013 05:07 AM

Our sex life before the A and HB was ok but nothing great. Maybe 1-2 times a week and he usually initiated.

HB was fun and really got me to see a new side of myself. Now 4 months in it isn't daily but I desire it more than ever. The problem is WS never ever seems to want it!

Yesterday I spent all day texting him sexy pics and dirty/sexy things and even talking about fantasies and what I like that he does. Then I got into bed to cuddle up half naked and asked him to rub my back and NOTHING. All I want is for me to desire and want me so badly that he can't wait to be with me and it doesn't happen. I have to initiate and even then it takes much more than a few kisses and close contact to get him "ready".

It was never like this before. He would ask me for pics and tell me what he liked, etc. I'm so hurt and confused and feel unsexy and unwanted and undesirable. I would think most men would die for this kind of sexual attention so why not mine!?!

It feels like a horrible trigger too because OW sent him nude pics and I'm sure that night he found her desirable and had no problems. :(

[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 5:13 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

FightingBack posted 9/13/2013 07:08 AM

Princess, I don't quite know what to say about your situation except that of course you feel hurt and sad.

I do know though as a BS I tend to project my own thoughts about the sex my WH had with his AP. It is usually far more passionate and romantic in my imagination, than it is the way he describes it.

However, I expected him to be as romantic and passionate with me,,and when he fell short, I was devastated.

I also noticed that he had fallen into a kind of pattern. They had had sex once a week, and he seemed quite satisfied with that frequency. Well I was not. I needed to feel close ALL the time and felt that he OWED me for all those years of ignoring me. He has a lot of making up to do, as does your H.

But they can be a bit dumb sometimes, so you are going to have to tell him.

The OW in our case was very aggressive, sexually and otherwise.
She had no problem letting him know that she expected an evening with him, and would make the necessary arrangements.

Their pattern was a quick dinner and off to the hotel. They had time constraints so there were not many subtleties, nuances or seductions taking place. It was sort of, "lets get down to business, we don't have much time".

A bad habit that must be unlearned. My WH had also become much more passive about initiating, partly out of uncertainty about me maybe, but I think also because he had gotten used to her always being the aggressor. Another bad habit.

I am sure these things are subconscious as far as he is concerned, but very conscious for me.

I think you really must talk about this with him. In addition to telling him what you like, tell him how you FEEL when your advances are not responded to.

I get how you feel. It is a awful feeling of rejection. Nip it in the bud now.

Kelany posted 9/13/2013 07:21 AM

I understand your feelings. For some time after DDay2 I went ballistic with sex, as I felt that he had to show me I was wanted, desirable, sexy, beautiful, etc. I needed that affirmation from him.

Except, he was much like your husband. And my self esteem got even worse.

So we discussed it, a lot. He DID desire me, see me as sexy, etc. but he was so ashamed of what he'd done that made it harder for him. Add in that he is a newly recovering sex addict and he was afraid of acting out with me, he went completely opposite and cautious. I was like, but you're SUPPOSED to have sex with me!!!!

Then I also realized I would question him about the affairs and such later at night in our bedroom (away from the kids, after the kids were in bed). Then *I* would want to reconnect through sex, but he was feeling very...beat up so to speak (not that I beat him up metaphorically) just...through the ringer after we'd spend an hour or more questioning. How was he supposed to feel sexy after I just railed him about sex with his APs???

I also found out that if I did initiate and he finally responded, then doubt would creep in, so then I'd say, are you doing this because you feel obligated? Please don't do this because you have to, etc. So then he'd quickly get out of the mood because I'd doubt his sincerity.

So I realized several things. *I* was being unhealthy by looking to him/sex for affirmation.

I sometimes sabatoged the mood by discussing the A's right before sex, or telling him "you don't have to be obligated" and doubting him.

Now, I keep any A talk completely separate, not at bedtime, not any time near sex time at all. Ever.

I never doubt him. If he didn't want me, he wouldn't have sex with me.

Sometimes, his shame is very palpable, and if it is, I need to realize, that's not sex time.

And I'm looking at the many other ways to get positive affirmation, not through sex.

Not sure if any of that relates to you in any way...but it worked for us.

brokensmile322 posted 9/13/2013 07:47 AM

Hi Peach,

This is just a shot in the dark too...just thinking out loud and it was the first thing that crossed my mind when reading your post.

Did you do all these things- send sexy texts, photo of you etc- before dday?

If you didn't, maybe your WH thinks you are trying to recreate the OW or what he did with OW and it is not you? KWIM?

Just a thought as I try to help!

CatchyUsername posted 9/13/2013 07:50 AM

I had the same thought as brokensmile. Maybe you are trying too hard and he is confused about how to respond...

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/13/2013 08:05 AM

Thank you all, I so needed to get this out and get others advice and viewpoints.

I did send him pics before but only really when he asked. OW did and I guess after the A I thought that's what he wanted that I wasn't giving him.

We talked just a little while ago and he did say he thought that is what he always wanted but now it's the intimacy and closeness we never had that he craves every day. It was after the A that he recognized his trust and intimacy issues and finally opened up to me. Now he says just holding me, kissing me and talking is what he wants. He does want/like sex but said it is second now. Basically he had turned into a woman.

I do think there is some guilt built in somewhere. He said he likes the pics I send but it's like a trigger for him. Not sure how to take that but I guess I understand.

Kelany posted 9/13/2013 08:31 AM

Sounds similar to my husband. Emotional intimacy comes first now after so many years of me needing that and him NEVER.

When we do have sex we are much more connected, we talk to each other, look at each other, really focus on EACH OTHER. It's not just about him getting his jollies any more. So much more fulfilling.

Sometimes we just make out like 17 year olds again, just to make out. I missed that for so long and love having that back again. Kissing, looking into his eyes, touching his face, etc. Usually it doesn't take long kissing him before he can't keep his hands off me either, LOL.

So yeah, try to focus on that emotional intimacy too. Really try to connect.

And as for those pics being a trigger, I can totally get that. It's a reminder of who he thought he was, but doesn't want to be any longer. Maybe instead of naughty pics, send him texts of what you love about him. Positive qualities, acknowledging his changes, how much you appreciate XX that he does for you, etc. Make it a daily habit.

Start new things, maybe leave him sticky notes of similar things. I write on our bathroom mirror in lipstick and he responds back. So we leave notes to each other that way. Silly ones, romantic ones, etc.

Create new habits, something that is totally YOURS and OWN it.

womaninflux posted 9/13/2013 08:42 AM

Something to think enjoy the chase.

bionicgal posted 9/13/2013 08:46 AM

Samantha the Baker
I so relate with what you said. I, too, can go straight from A talk into sex mode, and poor H is reeling. I think I do need it for affirmation right now, but am learning to wait for his cues a little more. He doesn't bounce back from those discussions very well, and has had some performance issues because of it.

PP - I'd believe him when he says they are a trigger, and skip it! It is a learning process. .. hang in there!

sisoon posted 9/13/2013 09:02 AM


My requirements for R included 1) W has to initiate sex some times, and 2) R has to court me by arranging dates, for example.

Since good sex is a requirement for you, let your H know. It might help to emphasize what you like a lot more than trying to do what you think he likes. He knows his own preferences and can ask you to do something for him.

It may be harder for him to ask you ... men are supposed to be sex gods who know everything, but, really, we're just fellow human beings with different equipment.

Sorry - some generalizations really set me off ....

men enjoy the chase.

I HATED the chase. That was a (small) part of what makes R look better than D to me.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:04 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/13/2013 10:41 AM

Yes I can talk about him having sex with someone else and then go straight into wanting it. Sounds weird when I actually type it out! LOL

Samantha - thank you for some great advice!!! H and I are gonna go for a walk then sit back and have a couple drinks and talk. I am actually looking forward to a relaxing evening. No A talk - just us and our feelings.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/13/2013 11:10 AM

oh my gosh! Me too. same story going on here as well.

I am just not satisfied anymore...I want so much more physical contact than I am getting. I feel very undesirable and NEED to be reassured.

Kelany posted 9/13/2013 11:21 AM


Took me a long time to understand all of that because sex was a focus for him for so long. Plus, I know his affairs were focused on sex. So it was very confusing for me.

Add in me need for reassurance, the need to "reclaim" him, our sex life, my own sexuality and my wounds...

It took a lot of introspection, therapy and one very eye opening conversation with my husband and then I "got" it suddenly.

Good luck, enjoy reconnecting with intimacy.

womaninflux posted 9/13/2013 17:40 PM

Sisoon sorry you feel that way about what I said. Perhaps you are different. All I know is that I haven't had sex with my H in a very long time...a longer time than he was involved in an A. This was NOT my choice. I attempted to address this several times to no avail. He was not interested in talking about it. He just liked to tell me I was overweight and not attractive. Well, I am no longer overweight and still no sex. Again, not because I am unwilling. MC says sex is off the table for now because I can't force someone to have sex who does not want to have sex. She also said that men enjoy the chase. I assume that since she has special training in sexual dysfunction and intimacy issues, she knows better than I do. I know that my H has expressed that it's a turn off to him for me to be asking him about it. All I know is the longer he is like this, the less likely I am to want to reconcile. I have put my life, feelings and self on the back burner far too long and I want to move on. Trying to hang on and give it some time but it is so fucking hard.

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